


Hidden in plain view

by Sea_of_Monsters



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec has a secret, Angst and Feels, BAMF Alec Lightwood, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Canon Divergence, Canon Typical Violence, F/M, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, How do I tag?, M/M, Mild Language, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Powerful Alec Lightwood, Prophetic Dreams, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, book elements used, but not too much, death is prevalent, he gets all the attention, i just don't know which ones yet, i love alec, its brief though, no beta we die like men, slowburn kinda, still follows the show, the action takes a bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23748313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sea_of_Monsters/pseuds/Sea_of_Monsters
Summary: Great, just great, Alec thought to himself. He doesn't know what being he managed to piss off, but now he has to deal with the walking disaster that is Clary Fray.Or Fairchild.Or Morgenstern.Whatever.He couldn't care less except for the fact that his parabatai seems to be absolutely enamored by this girl and keeps breaking the rules. Repeatedly.His room is a disaster zone right now due to his late night... problems, and he has to babysit half a shadowhunter and a lovesick puppy. Together. Not only that, but Izzy keeps encouraging him to "open up" about his problems. Well that's just not happening.He doesn't need to, and that would be too dangerous anyways.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 61
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been reading fanfic about Cassandra Clare's Shadowhunters for a while, and I've had this idea for a bit too! This is my first fic so any criticisms are welcome with open arms. I just want this idea out into the world, and if you can help me improve the method that I get it out there, then I'm more than thankful. That being said, please by respectful with the criticisms. Anyways, I just wanted to get that out there, so if the writing is a bit off or just plain bad, you know the reason. I'm going to try my best to get my idea down, but it might take me a few tries to get it right. So just hang with me for a bit as I exercise all of your patience with my writing!
> 
> All characters are credited to Cassandra Clare and her fabulous books. I own Nothing!

Leaning against a wall, Alec faced the center of the room with his usual scowl. His body position was defensive; his arms were crossed and nobody dared to look him in the eye. In the center of the room, was Hodge Starkwater briefing everyone on the next mission. Apparently, he was to be taking point while Izzy and Jace backed him up. It was a simple demon that needed to be taken care of. Evidently, the thing had killed three mundanes already before being brought to the attention of the Institute. Whoever had summoned the thing hadn't shown up yet, but they could at least kill it before it caused anymore damage. 

To an outsider, Alec was the model soldier, listening with intent. But in reality, Alec wasn't really listening to any of it. His mind was elsewhere, thinking of what was to come and how he could prevent it. Last night's event couldn't go ignored. As his mind whirled with the possibilities, Izzy crept up on him and lightly poked his arm. He startled at that. 

"What's going on up there?" She asked. She wasn't being patronizing, just inquisitive. Izzy was no outsider when it came to Alec's body language, and had easily picked up on her brother's mood.

"Nothing" he responded with a glare. No way was he going to try and explain the images in his head. No one could know and no one would if he had anything to say about. 

"Really, because my usually sulky, levelheaded brother is starring off into space in the corner not even pretending to listen to a mission that he is supposed to be leading in a couple of hours. I'm pretty sure that the "nothing" is actually something, big bro." She said with a smirk. She read him too well, and had pinned him. 

"I'm fine, Izzy. Really it's nothing that concerns you. Please, just drop it." he said, exasperated. He loved her, he really did, but sometimes she just chose the most inconvenient times to annoy him. 

"Fine, I won't press, but keeping things bottled up is no good for your health Alec. Seriously, it's okay to show something other than cold indifference." Izzy whispered, but there was no heat behind the words, just annoyance and concern.

_Serves her right_ _,_ Alec thought with a smirk. His smirk didn't go unnoticed by Izzy. 

"See, Hermano, emotions look good on you. You should really try them out sometime." She returned with a smirk of her own. Alec immediately schooled his features, once again becoming cold and indifferent. 

"Whatever. Let's just get this mission over with." Alec snapped. He stalked off to get ready. Despite her earlier comments, he had managed to scrape together the gist of what the mission entailed. He was to hunt down a demon with Izzy and Jace. They were to follow it until they could get it into a nightclub, _Pandemonium_ he thinks, and eliminate it there. Easy. 

A couple hours pass, and Alec had managed to almost set everything up. He was currently setting up his arrows for the mission which entailed him mindlessly running his stele over all of them. Abruptly, Izzy decides to join him. She walks over to the mirror that is set up for this exact purpose. In her hand, is a platinum wig that will certainly grab any and all attention. Her outfit isn't subtle either. It was a highly reflective silver that was striking to the eye. Yes, he knew that they were going to a club. Yes, he knew that they would need to at least seem like people actually clubbing. Yes, he knew that wearing anything other than that outfit would most certainly make them stand out even more. 

Did he like that his sister was dressed to the nines in an eye catching outfit? No. He didn't.

Did he know that it was necessary? Yes, he did. What could he say? His brotherly instincts were kicking in, and the outfit was starting to raise his alarms. 

She started to fit the wig onto her head, tucking her deep, brunette hair out of the way. Posing in the mirror, she flashed him a confident smirk catching his watchful stare. 

"You know that we aren't going for the music, right? We are there to complete a mission." He teases, his voice deadpan.

"Whatever. Having a little fun wouldn't kill you, Hermano," She responded. Izzy continued to settle her wig into place. _Demons always favored blonds_ , thought Izzy with a smirk. Through the mirror's reflection, she noticed Alec. More importantly, she noticed the way he carried himself, to the way that he worked. He was exhausted. She knew that her brother had his issues- repression, martyrdom-but this level of exhaustion spoke of a mental struggle. He was hunched over the table, almost like he wished for it to come alive and swallow him whole. His eyes were down, boring into the surface with a strange intensity. His arms worked with an autonomy that was only achieved once the conscious mind was unfocused. Her 6ft, tank of a brother looked _small_. Izzy thought in that moment, _His eyes are probably glassed over_ _with exhaustion_. Whether or not he wanted her to, she was going to find out whatever _it_ was, and how she could help because what were siblings for if not that?

"Alec"

He didn't look up, and continued working. She knew that he was meticulous with these things, but not to this extent. Usually if she sent him so much as a _look,_ he would be questioning her until she had to forcibly remove him due to the high likelihood of death by hug. She loved him, but his hugs could turn deadly and quick. 

"ALEC"

Again he remained adamant in his task. 

"ALEXANDER"

Alec pointed a glare at his sister, "What?!"

"Are you sure that everything's okay? You seem-"

"I'm fine..." He cuts her off. "It's just that I've got some stuff going on, and I need to process it. Even though I need to process it, I can't seem to find the time, and it's just really confusing because everything is mismatched and won't fit together. I can't seem to find where the source is, and everything is just looking bleak at the moment because it just won't leave me alone. I can't seem to get a hold-" Alec sucks in a harsh breath, effectively cutting himself off and his tangent. He almost gave everything away in that one moment. He immediately locks down his emotions, balling them up and shoving them deep. The action is almost instantaneous.

Subtly, the room begins to darken. The shadows elongate and the room quickly loses warmth. An oppressive chill seeps into the air, invading the space with deadly precision. The pale Institute walls become alive with darkness. The shadows dance with glee, cynical smiles on it's many faces, claws at the ready. A silence rings throughout the room, quickly dampening any and all sounds that manage to escape.

The new atmosphere goes completely unnoticed. 

"I can't seem to hold everything together right now, and it's just stressful with everything else," Alec finishes with a grimace. He looks back down to assess his weapons of choice. Meanwhile, Izzy raises an eyebrow. If she noticed the break and the very obvious change in words, she doesn't comment on it.

"Well I know that you'll figure everything out, Hermano. You always do," Izzy states with a finality. Her confidence in Alec will always be resolute. He's her Hermano, her big bro. He could never disappoint her. Alec smiles a little at the vote of confidence. It's not a lot, but it's something. 

After a few moments of silence, "Do you feel better now?" she asks. She looks at her brother again. His shoulders aren't as slumped, and he holds himself differently. The visible weight that he is always carrying seems to have been lessened, if only a little. 

"No.... yes. A little bit." Alec states in a resigned way. Izzy smirks triumphantly as she positions her wig a final time. She quickly tugs her dress to show all of her finer assets, and begins to strap on her shoes. No matter the occasion, she could always be counted on to wear her signature high heels. 

"Let's go, Hermano. Let's catch us a demon." she says with an air of confidence. Her smirk is obvious even though Alec can't see her.

"Yeah, let's go." Alec responds with his own small smirk. He finally looks up, and huffs a bit at Izzy's outfit. _Oh well,_ he thinks, _guess everyone's going to be staring at us tonight._

Alec grabs his newly runed arrows, quiver, and bow. He leaves quickly, never really losing the small smirk as he watches Izzy work her way towards him in her dress and heels. Izzy flashes him her confident smile as she adjusts her coiled, serpentine bracelet. They finally make their way to the main ops room to begin their mission. _Everything will be okay,_ Alec reminds himself. It's his life's mantra at this point. 

As they leave, warmth slowly overtakes the room. 

The hunt was a complete disaster. 

They got the target after a long confrontation that shouldn't have been necessary, but they also encountered a mundane with the sight. Not only that, but she also wielded a seraph blade. There are no new shadowhunters. There just isn't. They got her back to the medical room in the Institute because of course she had to get injured, and applied a rune to her shoulder. It took. Now here he was, looming over her unconscious figure, silently wondering where she fit into everything. He wouldn't tell anyone that he recognized her. The mask of indifference helped with that. Recognizing a complete stranger would have brought up too many questions that he wasn't willing to answer. Ever. He would know that fiery, red hair anywhere if his events were any indication. Now he just needed to figure out where she fit into the puzzle. All he knew was that she, Clarissa Fray, was the catalyst, and he didn't know how to feel about that. 

His whirlwind of thoughts was interrupted by Jace, who calls out "What are you doing? If you look at her any harder, parabatai, she's going to burst into flames! After all I did, I would rather not have to deal with her death." Jace raised a cocky eyebrow at him waiting for Alec to explain. Jace knew from experience that when his brother got thinking about something with _that_ level of intensity, that it was important.

_He wishes_ Alec thought. His experiences spoke for themselves. Avoiding things like this never worked for him in the past. Why should it suddenly start working now?

In a contemplative stance, Alec says, "Nothing. Just thinking. I have some things on my mind, and I'm trying to piece them together." Alec looked up after that with a half-smile, half-grimace plastered on his face. Jace, his parabatai, was the only person alive that Alec spoke to most openly. Not even Izzy got insight into his innermost thoughts. That is, not if he could help it. He never said anything out right, but he edged more towards the truth with Jace. It also helped that Jace was too dense to actually understand half of what Alec said. Most things slid off him like oil on water. Alec really didn't have the concern that Jace was going to talk about what was said in private. He didn't understand it when listening, so how could he coherently repeat it to someone else? 

"Well whatever it is, you'll figure it out. I know you will. It's what you do!" Jace exclaimed, his face full of pride. Alec smiled a bit at the praise. He rarely saw them directed at himself, so any little thing was big for him. Also, it was coming from Jace which only served to heighten the emotions. Briefly, Alec felt happiness. His smile was small, but it was there. His heart rate accelerated, his stomach fluttered wildly as if thousands of butterflies were suddenly released, and his smile grew. Soon enough, the emotions started to swell into a beast. Intimately, he knew who and what this beast was. He had to. He fought it daily. The fights were taxing, and he always hoped to finally control the thing but never succeeded. It was a fruitless hope after all. It grew in size and complexity until its teeth were snapping and its claws were slashing at his insides. He felt raw. When it had finally reared its ugly head, it got ready to pounce, to strike. His heart wouldn't survive this. 

The blow never connected.

Internally cursing, Alec worked quickly to neutralize his feelings. No matter how hard he tried to deny, _to destroy_ those feelings, they always manage to pop back up. His mood quickly dimmed. He clamped down on what he was feeling, and hastily destroyed it by burying it deep within himself. He couldn't be feeling such strong, complex emotions and certainly not _those_ emotions; that would just be disastrous for everyone. Immediately, his features turned emotionless, and he internally checked the block on his parabatai rune to see if anything had leaked through. Nothing had, but the tension didn't leave. 

On the outside, Jace saw his brother light up but then immediately shut down. He watched the smile grow, but then suddenly disappear. Alec's shoulders hunched as if a weight that looked far too heavy to bear settled upon his shoulders. Internally, Jace shuddered at the sight. His tall, stoic brother was collapsing upon himself, and all Jace could do was watch. How could his brother, parabatai, go from bright to dim so quickly, and why couldn't he help him? _It was almost like a switch for Alec. A switch that he can just flick on and off,_ Jace thought sadly. 

"Thank you, Jace." Alec replied, completely monotone. His facial expression was the epitome of neutral, and his voice gave nothing away in terms of emotion. He was indifference incarnate, yet Jace knew that Alec must have been feeling _something_. Even Alec couldn't remove every emotion from himself, from their bond. Why Alec didn't allow himself to feel emotions was beyond Jace. _One of these days,_ thought Jace, _he was going to get Alec to open up_. 

In that same moment unbeknownst to them, the room developed a chill. This chill was possessive in nature; one that spoke of absolutes.

No warmth, no sound, no emotion.

Nothing.

Shadows grew in depth and intensity. The Institute's walls became littered with them as they stretched and compressed, their claws growing. Claws scraping against their prison, they cut into the walls that held them back. The cold grew as did the shadows; they grew together as if feeding off of one another. 

It was a subtle shift, one of shadows and imagination. Nobody paid attention to it. No one saw the dancing shadows or the chill that crept upon them. 

The claws scratched and mauled the shadowhunters within the Institute.

And still, nobody noticed.

"I have some reports that I need to get to. Look after her. As you so eloquently put, all your hard work would be wasted if she ended up dead." Alec said. He stalked off toward his room, not even waiting for an answer from his parabatai. He left with a finality surrounding him like a thick cloud, clinging to him like a second skin. No more conversations. No more interuptions. No more problems. 

As Jace watched Alec's receding back, a depressed feeling overtook his mind; it sunk into his very soul. It was a profound sadness. This was a type of depression that accompanied resignation like a plague. Long and devastating. _Why wouldn't Alec let him help_ , thought Jace helplessly. A shaky breath followed that thought. It tasted stale and was full of frigid air. Releasing another shaky breath, Jace returned his attention to Clary. He observed her peaceful demeanor. Somehow, he knew that this was the last time he would see her in such a state. Purposefully, Jace made himself internally step away from those morbid thoughts. They never helped him in the past. Why should they help now?

As Alec strode down the hallway to the private rooms within the Institute, he thought back to Clarissa Fray. Clarissa Fray, the would be mundane that appears to be more than anyone can guess. Alec already knew that much, one glance had been enough for him to see the trouble, the mess that would surely come in her wake. He just didn't know the how or the why. That was easily the most frustrating part of all this. The problem, the mess, everything just wasn't adding up. One thing was for sure, even if he hadn't recognized her, he would have known that she meant trouble. Jace has fallen for her within a day. Izzy is just excited for a new shadowhunter. Alec, he was wary of Fray. Whether or not those feelings were coming from his event or his _other emotions_ , that had yet to be decided. Despite all this, desperately, he had to believe. He had to believe that it would all somehow, inexplicably work out in the end. That single thought rang through his mind like bell, the sound driving his thoughts back. Slowly, he drew in a breath and breathed out, getting his mind back in order. At the back, a thought formed. It was incomplete, yet it was potent and clear. 

_Something was coming._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome! I hope that this chapter is halfway decent. As I go along, more of the story is fitting together in my mind, so that's good. I hope that you enjoy the chapter, and any comments are welcome!

All Alec could think of was that his first impressions of Clary Fray were completely wrong. Really, he hadn't expected the complete and utter mess that Clary Fray seemed to radiate at all hours of the day. Clearly, he had severely underestimated one person's ability to make something unbearable. He had to give her credit though, she knew just how to push his buttons. On another day, he would have been fine with it all, but lack of sleep has made everything that much worse. The dark circles under his eyes only helped to cement that. Anybody looking at him would see an almost ghost like figure: his skin was yellow, checks sunken, and his dark circles were two thick masses of black under his eyes. 

Nightime had just become one endless nightmare for him recently. The four walls of his room might as well be a prison for how tied down he is. 

Jerking out of his reverie, Alec realized that Izzy was looking to him for an answer. Whatever the question was, he didn't know. He blinked to clear the bluriness that only came from staring off into space, and looked at her. Her gaze was intense, mouth set in a grim line. The table she was leaning over looked like it was about to collapse from where she was slapping it. 

"Sorry. Got lost for a second." Alec explained. 

"Whatever. I was asking you if we could do this mission. Clary needs her memories, and the City of Bones is the best possible way to get a lead on them."

"No."

"Why not? This could be our best possible bet, and as you so elegantly put, there's no new shadowhunters," Izzy sassed back. 

"We cannot go on unsanctioned missions like this. It is against the Clave. If anyone were to figure out what we were doing, there would be hell to pay," Alec said. His face was in a grimace. That seemed to be his permanent expression recently. "I don't approve of this mission, Izzy."

Izzy huffed in annoyance and stalked off. Alec hoped that was the last of that conversation.

Turns out that no matter what he said, he was just destined to follow his siblings and clean up after them. Despite his stance, both Izzy and Jace had managed to drag him away with them as they visited the City of Bones. Clary followed close behind in awe. He really didn't know how he got into these situations. _Well that's not completely true,_ he thought with resignation. A big brother was someone who always protected the siblings. A big brother's duty was to be a protector, a leader, and a comfort for the younger siblings. Whether or not the mess was self-inflicted, he was there with wide open arms and comforting words on the tip of his tongue. 

As the group milled about, Alec stared up at the City of Bones. It was as magnificent as it was cruel. The structure itself was imposing. It stood above him with a imperious air. Even if the building wasn't grand, the bricks themselves would have made him shiver. They were ashen gray, but the significance of the bricks themselves gave him a mixture or awe, reverence, and disgust. Any shadowhunter would know that once a shadowhunter died, they were cremated, and then used to help build this place. The symbolism was that even in death, a shadowhunter's job was never truly done. Whether or not it was by wielding a seraph blade or being a barrier between, a shadowhunter was always protecting. Inside, it was even grander. Vaulted ceilings with intricate chandeliers hanging down gave the hall a strange ambiance. Candles occupied the space and nothing else, giving the space a ritualistic air to it. He didn't know how to feel about the City of Bones. Should he feel dread in the sacred site? Maybe elation as this would be his final resting place. Maybe he should feel reverence for those who he was surrounded by. He just didn't know. It was a mixture of all those things really.

If the building itself didn't inspire anyone's deepest, negative emotions, the Silent Brothers would certainly take care of that. They wore thick, billowy robes that hid the majority of their bodies. The color was a uniform, dusty brown. The brown was so dark that it could have been mistaken for black in the correct light. With ease, the Silent Brothers could have slipped into the shadows, or walked behind you without one disturbance to the air. The only features visible on a Silent Brother were their hands and face. At first glance, a Silent Brother just looked like a hooded shadowhunter. On the hands were runes, intricate but also simplistic in meaning. As the eyes traveled up however, was where that image dissipated. The mouth was sewn shut with expert craftsmanship along with the eyes. The thread was a dull black, and glimpses of it could be seen. There was no scarring as one would expect, yet that made their faces no less angelic. Next, came the words. A Silent Brother never spoke with physical movement; their mouths were sewn shut after all. To hear a disembodied voice speak to you while the face made no movement was chilling to say the least. 

_Hello, Alexander. What brings you to the City of Bones?_ Brother Enoch asked. Alec assumed that he was staring at him, but couldn't tell due to his eyes. 

"Clarissa Fray needs to uncover some memories that seem to have gone missing," Alec replied.

 _That can be arranged._ Brother enoch turned to Clary at that point. Until then, Clary had been speechless. She had never encountered something like the Silent Brothers, and to say that the experience was horrifying was an understatement. She looked at him with wide eyes and quickly said "Yes?"

 _Follow me,_ Brother Enoch silently turned away from the group without a second glance. Alec turned back to Clary and threw an expectant glance at her. She quickly hurried after the Silent Brother as he disappeared down the hall. _This was going to be interesting,_ Alec mused. If he had a smirk on his face while he thought that, well nobody saw it. 

Again Alec just had to give Clary applause. He really did. She kept surprising him. With her, it never seemed to end. Really, where did she get all of these problems? They seemed to just appear out of thin air. All she had to do was simply _breath_ , and problems would magically happen. If Clary's problems weren't bad enough, then adding Jace's recent mood to the mix was a sure fire way for him to develop those signature migraines of his. It was like a never ending stream of problems that were all up to him to fix. To say that he was stretch a bit thin in his self-control was an understatement. Three times today, he had almost let everything go. Didn't matter what would have happened after, he just wanted to snap. 

"ALEC," someone shouted.

He looked up from the reports that he was going over. Izzy was striding towards him down the hallway.

"What?"

"We need you in the mission ops room. Hodge found a lead on that name. Apparently, it's a warlock that might have taken Clary's memories." 

Quickly, he got up and shuffled his papers around. Walking up to Izzy, they turned back to the mission ops room with matching strides. 

As Hodge spoke, he briefed everyone on who Magnus Bane was. Clary was sitting intently listening without really paying any attention. This whole world fascinated her with it's dangers. It was a morbid curiosity though because something told her if she was too careless, too curious that she would end up dead or worse.

Suddenly, as she was listening in, she felt _something_ wash over her skin. At first, it was just a tingle. It was faint enough for her to consider it her imagination, but as the meeting progressed and the mission was explained, Clary noticed an amplification of the sensations. She looked around her trying to figure out what it was. No one was speaking up about it. In fact, nobody looked bothered. _Weird,_ she thought. Unconsciously, she brought her arms to her chest and started to rub up and down to try and preserve her body heat. It was in vain. The cold got worse, and it seemed to settle in her bones with a heavy finality. Nothing worked and as the meeting progressed further, Clary swore that she could see her breath in front of her. As if the cold wasn't bad enough, she noticed the walls for the first time, and what she saw was truly unsettling. The shadows were moving. Not in your typical way either. They swayed to an invisible beat as if they were waiting for something. One of them even looked at her gleefully. Carefully, she brought her eyes back to the table. Looking around, she took a thorough look at everyone. Izzy and Jace were both laid back while listening to Hodge talk. Out of her peripheral, she spotted the multiple shadowhunters that milled about trying to catch a look at her. When Clary's eyes finally landed on Alec however, she saw tension. Alec's shoulders were hunched, and his jaw was clenched. He was gripping his hands so hard that his knuckles were white. His face didn't portray any emotion, but his eyes spoke of exhaustion. If anything, she would have to say that he looked the most affected by the sudden change in the room. 

The briefing ended, and Alec wandered over to his siblings who were talking to Clary. 

"-it was so weird too," Clary was saying. 

"Really? I didn't feel anything. What about you Jace?" Izzy questioned. 

"I didn't feel anything. I have no idea what you're talking about. What about you Alec?" Jace looked at him expectantly. 

"What are we talking about?" 

"I felt this really weird sensation during the briefing. It was like this chill. Nobody else seemed to be able to feel it though, so I didn't bring it up in the meeting. Also the shadows were doing something weird as well." Clary answered. 

Alec froze. Tension gripped his muscles, and his throat seemed to clamp up. _Shit_ , he thought, _was his control slipping already?_

"I didn't feel anything. Maybe it was a draft under a vent. Anyway I have to go get ready for the mission," Alec stated. He just had to get out. Staying there wasn't an option. He turned swiftly on his heel, and hurried down the hall without waiting for an answer from his siblings. 

They all watched Alec's receding back with concern and curiosity. Jace and Izzy knew that something was going on, they just didn't know what. They shared a look between them, and then set off down the hallway without looking back. Clary just stood there dumbfounded. _What was up with Alec?_ , she thought. The thought didn't stick around for too long as she had other things to be doing. After all, she still had to find her way around the place. It was only her second day.

"ALEC," shouted Izzy. 

Alec didn't turn around. He just picked up his pace. Not for the last time, he silently thanked whatever being out there that he had long legs. He managed to get into his room just in time and shut the door behind him before too much of his room could be seen. As soon as the door was shut, he slid down to the floor and took a long look at his mess of a room. Now anybody would characterize Alexander Lightwood as a type A personality. Alec thrived off of rules and order. Him willingly having a mess and keeping it was almost like having a lion as a pet. It could happen, but only if he had finally mentally cracked. Alec looked across his room and only thought resignation. The first night that an event had happened, he had tried to pick up. Even after the second and third night. Then the fourth and fifth consecutive night happened, and he finally just stopped caring. The bed was a mess of sheets and covers that hovered precariously on the edge of his bed from his thrashing. The chair that was usually pushed into the desk was on it's side. The desk itself had papers strewn about it, and papers were falling onto the floor. The bookshelf that he kept in immaculate condition was chipped and scratched. The books themselves were half open or torn on the ground. The wardrobe that sat in the corner was in complete chaos. A shelf had fallen out while the rest were in varying states of being open. His clothes were hanging out and disheveled looking. _My sweatshirts probably have more holes in them_ , Alec mused. Izzy would give him hell for that since he already couldn't dress right in the first place. _The new holes were going to confuse her endlessly_ , smirked Alec. 

This was what he needed. A breather from everything that was Clary Fray. Just as he was finally composing his thoughts, he felt more than heard Izzy on the other side of his door. She was banging on his door with a vengeance, and from experience Alec knew that she was getting in one way or another. Alec let out a silent groan, and slowly picked himself up. He took a minute to stretch, and school his expression into his best neutral face he possibly could. Turning around, Alec opened his door a crack. The state of room would only worsen the upcoming interrogation. 

"What was that?" Izzy demanded. 

"What was what, Izzy?"

"That conversation with Clary!" Jace joined in. 

"Nothing. I had somethings that I had to do in my room, so I left," Alec said. He hoped that his room would go unnoticed. 

"That wasn't nothing, Hermano. Look, both Jace and I have noticed that you've been off these past couple of days. What's going on?" Izzy almost sounded like she was pleading with her brother. They both knew that he was deflecting. 

"Nothing has happened. I'm fine. Right now is just stressful for me," Alec replied with a huff. His shoulder relaxed a fraction, but that was all it took for Izzy to see the disaster zone in the back.

"Alec! Your room! What happened?" She exclaimed. Jace looked over her shoulder and had to agree with her. _What the hell happened in there?_

"Nothing! Nothing happ-" Alec started, but it was too late. Izzy pushed her way in, and took everything in. Slowly, she spun in a circle. When her eyes landed back on Alec, his eyes were pleading for her to drop it. 

"Woah, Parabatai, what happened here?" Jace said. He just radiated shock. The thought that his uptight brother could have let his room get to this point was beyond him. His gaze was also curious. He never thought he would see the day that Alec Lightwood would have a messy room. 

Meanwhile, Alec stood ramrod straight as his siblings took in his room. He tried not to let any of his emotions through, and he held his arms behind his back to prevent himself from fidgeting. Internally, he was a mess though. Panic had begun to set in. What was he going to do? He could try and get them to leave. _Nope, that won't work_ , Alec thought. They had seen too much already. They expected answers. Despite holding his hands behind himself, Alec began to fidget with the hem of his shirt. He became lost in his panicked thoughts.

As all three were consumed were with their own thoughts, the room grew glacial. The cold out in the ops center was nothing to this new beast. This time though, the shift wasn't subtle. One moment it's comfortable, the next moment had them seeing their own breaths like mist. The feeling swept through the room with frightening speed, taking control of their every breath. The room darkened quickly after that, thick and oppressive. Alec continued to stew in his own thoughts, but both Jace and Izzy unconsciously felt the shift this time. They didn't fully register it. All they knew was that they were in danger if they stayed any longer. Maybe it had to do with Clary, and how she brought it to their attention. Maybe it was the enclosed space that made the feelings that much more suffocating. Internally, Izzy and Jace shivered. Quickly exchanging looks, they both decided to drop the messy room subject. Without a sound they both hurried out of the room and headed to the warmest, safest spot they could. 

Alec finally looked up after he didn't hear the bombardment of questions that he expected from this interrogation. He found his room empty which surprised and confused him. _Where did they go?_ , thought Alec. Absentmindedly, he scratched his head. Why would his siblings, who had been on a warpath, suddenly back off and leave without a single question. _Weird_ , Alec thought with a frown. Now they had him worried about them. Usually once on a warpath, his siblings would stop at nothing to get him to open up. Sometimes he could stave them off; sometimes he couldn't. 

With his moment of peace once again restored, Alec got to thinking about the mission ahead. Despite being tense all during the briefing, he had managed to put together a rudimentary understanding. In any other mission, he would have been with his siblings and working through strategies. This wasn't any other mission. Something told him that this was a tipping point in the grand scheme of things. Call it instinct or gut, but somehow he knew that _something_ was going to happen. That something was big too. Finally sitting on his mess of a bed, he reviewed all of his available information. His mind whirled with the possibilities. Thousands swarmed his thoughts; they flitted in and out, overcrowding each other. Eventually, his mind settled to a single line of thinking. 

_What's your part in all of this?_

_How do you fit?_

_Who are you, Magnus Bane?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the ending wasn't obvious, Magnus Bane will be appearing in the third chapter (Spoilers?). Will they hit it off? (Yes, they will because MALEC!) Also, anyone like my description of the Silent Brothers? If I was met with a sewn shut figure in long robes that telepathically spoke to me, then I would have a few questions concerning my life choices to say the least.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back. I know this chapter took a bit, but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless! We finally get to meet Magnus, and I hope that the interactions are sufficient. I tried to make it as good as the show, but I might have missed the mark on that one... I've at least started them along the path to being a couple... I hope.

Despite having his necklace, Magnus Bane was one evasive warlock. They had everything for the deal, but of course The Circle had to show up. It also didn't help that his parabatai and Clary couldn't pull off a deal if their lives depended on it. Seriously, their two combined negotiating skills were abysmal. Why he left it to those two, he'll never know. The only good thing to come out of the failed deal was that they managed to show some good faith to Magnus. Him shooting that Circle member was probably the only highlight of the evening if he was being honest with himself. _It couldn't have hurt at least,_ mused Alec. 

Currently Alec was looking over the lastest reports. No one had been able to spot the warlock after he had escaped through a portal. _I wouldn't want to be out either_ , Alec grumbled to himself. He threw the files down with a groan. Without anything to fidget with, his mind began to wander aimlessly. This aimless thinking brought him face-to-face with his own insecurities. Not for the last time, Alec wondered why he was drawing attention to himself. With so many eyes watching him, this situation could turn dangerous, quick. _I have to be careful. I get caught, that's it._ Alec's thoughts quickly spiraled from there. _Who will look after Izzy and Jace? Who will keep Clary in check? Who will keep this Institute running?_ Alec's mind was rampaging against itself. On one side, he wanted to do everything he could to help. He was a shadowhunter. This was his fight as much as everyone else's. The other side, the more selfish side, was dictating that he took himself to the farthest, most secluded spot and wait for everything to blow over. He clenched his hands tightly. _No, don't think like that. You've got this. Just keep control, and nobody will be the wiser._ Alec closed his eyes, and calmed himself. Slowly, he opened his eyes to inspect his surroundings. Nothing looked out of place to him, and nobody was picking up on anything abnormal. _By the Angel_ , thought Alec, _I can't keep looking over my shoulder to make sure I haven't slipped up._ In a corner of his mind that was reserved just for his insecurities, Alec heard Maryse yelling and screaming. The words didn't matter as much as what the _meaning_ was. Despite the words being blurred, indistinct versions of themselves, Alec could feel the disappointment and anger behind them. _Control_ , reasoned Alec, _was one elusive thing to achieve._ He almost gave a mirthless laugh at that. 

With a sigh, Alec looked up from his desk. Izzy was striding into the ops room in her three inch heels. A sharp click could be heard with each step. Smirking, Izzy handed a file to Alec. 

"Found him," she said smugly. Even before handing the file over, Alec knew that she had good news. That purposeful look gave him all that he needed to know. 

"Finally. We need to at least try to make a deal with him this time. Don't worry, I'll handle the negotiations this time 'round," said Alec. He grasped the file, and quickly flipped through it's contents. 

"It says here that he was last spotted near Pandemonium. Do you think he lives close?" 

"No. But then again if you could portal anywhere in an instant, would you live next to your side job?" questioned Izzy. 

Alec took a second to think about it, "No, I guess not."

"Anyway, we found his new hideout. It seems to be somewhere in Queens."

"Alright, prepare your equipment. If we've found him, then Valentine could already be over there," ordered Alec. He expressly ignored Izzy's raised eyebrows at his demand. They had to act _now_ , not later when Magnus could be dead. He couldn't wait on the Clave to approve something like this, he just couldn't. This situation had to be met with action, not deliberation. He hoped that everything would work out in the end, but he wasn't confident in that optimism. If putting his trust in Clary's memories meant getting the Mortal Cup back, then he was willing to take that leap of faith any day. 

Apparently, that line of thinking was correct. Alec looked at the building's front and saw scorch marks and deep grooves in the red bricks. There was a layer of red and grey dust surrounding the front. Seraph blades littered the ground as the group walked up to the door. The door itself was half off it's hinges by the looks of it. Jace nudged the door open with his foot. If the warlock's warding was still present, then none of them wanted to rush into it. His foot didn't meet any resistance, so the group took that as the go ahead. Immediately, Alec ordered Jace and Izzy to look after Clary and to deal with any Circle members that they happened across. Meanwhile, he was to go upstairs and try and find Magnus. After parting ways, Alec took out an arrow from his quiver. Tight spaces weren't ideal for his weapon, but he was prepared nonetheless. Worst case would be for him to pull out a seraph blade. He might not have been as skilled as Jace, but he could still stand his own. Slowly, he inched his way up the stairs. In the slim corridor, he heard the sounds of a battle raging faintly through a door. Alec followed that noise till it felt like the battle was just to his left. Using his arm, Alec carefully opened the door. Even though the warlock's warding might not have been up on the outside, didn't mean that the internal warding would be gone as well. When no resistance was met, Alec crept into the room with a silent grace. 

Alec's first impression of the space was that it was cared for by whoever lived in it. Without the mess that the fight was causing, he could tell that the space was personalized by someone with eccentric tastes. Bright, vibrant colors could be seen under the fight's grim. The plush chairs that had been knocked over were clearly a personal preference of the host, and the bookshelves that looked disheveled were full of someone's personal collection. The place was frequented, and it showed. 

Focusing back onto the fight, Alec saw that it was a warlock and a shadowhunter. The warlock had a tall, slender frame. Despite that, Alec could tell that the warlock's body was very muscular. He was wearing dazzling clothes, and his shoes were leather. Compared to Alec's love for anything monochromatic, this man was the walking embodiment of color. Even with his back turned towards him, Alec could tell that the warlock was handsome. _Focus, Lightwood,_ Alec reprimanded himself. The warlock seemed to be holding his own against the shadowhunter, but Alec could tell that his strength was waning. Quickly, Alec drew back his arrow, and shot the opponent in the leg. The shadowhunter went down to his knees where the warlock swiftly finished him off. The warlock's actions were graceful and smooth as if he were gliding in water. 

"Well done," said Alec. He truly was impressed. This warlock knew how to fight. 

"More like medium rare," quipped the warlock. Finally, the warlock turned to face him, and Alec was able to finally get a good look at the man. 

_Damn,_ thought Alec. What faced him was the most beautiful person he'd ever laid eyes on. The warlock's face was covered with perfect makeup while his nails were a deep burgundy. His outfit shined from the glitter, and was tight against his body. His hair was an electricfying shade of blue that shined with deep, azure sparkles. The hair's style was gelled into spikes that had remained immaculate throughout the battle. Suddenly, Alec couldn't think of anything other than the man's face, lips, skin. His throat dried almost instantaneously. White noise seemed to fill his ears, and without thinking, he relaxed. 

Alec found his own interest reflected back at him by the warlock. He stood across from him, and was looking his body up and down with obvious desire. 

"I'm Magnus. I don't think we've been properly introduced, have we?" Magnus questioned. His eye lit up with amusement when the shadowhunter startled a bit at his voice. 

"Alec," he said. That's all his mind could come up with at the moment. The man- Magnus' voice was like honey, smooth and effortlessly alluring. Every other faculty was being taken up by just how beautiful this man was. Vaguely, he was aware that this was Magnus Bane, and that he had to ask him a favor. He was also aware that he was currently staring at him. His gaze just couldn't leave this stunning man alone. 

"W-we should, you know..uhh..the fight...." stuttered Alec. His normal, stoic composure completely abandoning him when facing such a glittery man. 

"Right," said Magnus, "we should go help the others." _Oh this was going to be interesting_ , thought Magnus with glee. He almost purred at the thought alone. 

Alec-along with Magnus- met up with the others in another room. The three of them looked relatively unscathed, but Alec could only worry as a big brother does. 

"Are you guys alright?" questioned Alec. Reassurances were always good in his opinion even when they weren't true. 

"Don't worry, Hermano. We're all in one piece, and we've dealt with all of the Circle members," answered Izzy. She was smirking as she saw Magnus' gaze. Izzy intimately knew that look as she had used it countless times to distract targets. Something told her that Magnus' was genuine interest though, so she didn't comment. 

"Okay," Alec turned to Magnus, "We have a request for you. Clary has some missing memories which has led us to here for assistance. She remembers you, so we were hoping that you know where they've been stored." 

"Oh I do know where Clarissa's memories are. I would help, but those memories are as good as gone. You see, I fed them to a memory demon. If I was found with someone else's memories, the Clave would have had my head," answered Magnus. Alec could see that he did look regretful about the situation. 

"Is there anything that can be done about that memory demon? There has to be a way for her memories to be taken back, right?" questioned Alec. 

"Well darling, I could summon the thing."

"Alright. What would it take for you to summon it?" Internally, he cringed. Those memories were more important than any Clave punishments that this demon summoning could bring to the group. At least, he hoped they were. 

"For starters, all of you have to be sure that you want the demon summoned. I need you all in the circle with me. Especially you Clarissa. The demon will likely demand a sacrifice of some kind. That sacrifice will probably be a memory of some sort. Everyone of you has to be resolved in that something will be taken from you," explained Magnus. He would make sure that they knew the risks of something like this. Despite what the Clave said about demon-blooded beings, Magnus could not let them go into this blind. His morals simply wouldn't allow it. 

"Done. Would this necklace be payment enough?" Alec held up the necklace. It truly was a piece of art. The metal was a cool-toned, gunmetal color while the ruby was large and a deep shade of red. Engravings of protection and defense could be seen surrounding the ruby in the middle. Whoever had gifted this necklace had loved and cherished the other immensely. 

"No darling, I won't charge for something like this. These are Clarissa's memories after all. Keep the necklace. It can protect the wearer from demons, and can alert that person of nearby demons as well. Something like that can help in your field." He finished it off with a wink. Alec immediately blushed and quickly looked away. 

Izzy cleared her throat after a moment, "Thank you. What can we do for the summoning besides offer up memories? Do you need some help in preparing the circle or gathering ingredients?" questioned Izzy. Unlike her brother, she knew a little about downworlders' practices from her encounters. Something like this would need substantial planning and power. 

"Actually yes, I do need some help preparing for the summoning, but first-"

Magnus suddenly snapped his fingers with a flourish and a blue spark. Alec grew lightheaded all of a sudden, but the feeling quickly vanished as he took in his new surroundings. He and the group were in another large space. _Probably another apartment of Magnus'_ , thought Alec. This one in comparison to the other was bare. There was no personal touch, nor was there any stylized portions. The room did have a table, but it was overturned as if someone had flipped it over. 

"First, I need a new space to work." Magnus smirked as he saw the shadowhunters take in their new surroundings. Alec's reaction was particular interesting to watch. His eyes were wandering around the space with an almost innocent look to them. _That's not something you see everyday_ , mused Magnus, _an innocent shadowhunter._

Magnus turned to Clary, "I need you to draw the actual circle. These are your memories after all." With a snap, Magnus handed colored chalks to her. Without turning away, Magnus directed, "Pretty Boy, get your team ready."

Jace immediately started forward, but was stopped by Magnus' hand. 

"Not you, blondie. I was talking to you, _Alexander_." Magnus pointed at Alec. Alec's face felt like it was on fire, and he knew that his face was bright red. Izzy certainly wasn't helping as she visibly tried to hold back a laugh. Meanwhile, Jace looked downright offended that he wasn't "Pretty Boy". Quickly, Alec nodded, "Alright." He meant it to come out confident, but in reality it was a barely uttered stutter. 

After about an hour and a half of preparation, everything was set up and ready to go. Alec was sandwiched between Magnus and Clary, and he looked out across the circle. Externally, Alec was cold stoicism. Internally, he was a nervous wreck. This demon could pick any memory. Any memory. The implications of that were enough to almost send him into a panic attack. A lot of his memories were something that he never wanted to discuss with anyone. _Especially these people_ , thought Alec miserably. His stomach twisted at that thought. He knew that his palms were sweaty, but there was nothing to be done about that. His memories were dangerous, but Clary's were important. Taking deep breaths, Alec tried to calm himself down before something unfortunate happened. Alas, that was a plan doomed to fail. When trying to calm down did nothing, Alec decided that re-centering himself on the goal was best. _Whatever,_ thought Alec _, I just have to remain in control long enough for this ritual._

Alec grabbed Magnus' and Clary's hand. Now was the moment of truth. Magnus began his chant and soon enough, a demon appeared in the middle. Faintly, the chanting continued in the background while Magnus made his demands. The price would be memories. Alec tried to keep his breathing under control, and tried not to think of whose hands he was holding. He could feel _it_ simmering in his core. Whether it was his nervousness or his instincts, something was telling him that if he didn't act quickly, that something bad was about to happen. He looked up to see Clary looking wide-eyed at the demon. Izzy's and Jace's heads were bowed while Magnus was looking down at the demon with an intense glare. Memories flashed overhead, but he paid no attention to them. Memories were ultimately a private thing for people. Disrupting that privacy was something that he never wanted to do. Then, the demon was looking into his eyes, but he didn't look away. The thing was sifting through his memories, trying to see which one would provide the maximum amount of emotion. Dimly, the sensation reminded him of a light poke inside his brain. Finally, it decided. A white wisp flowed from his temple. It traveled towards the middle of the group. Suddenly, the memory was playing for everyone in the group to see. Unlike Alec, his siblings had no qualms about viewing a memory, so each of them were looking up, hoping to see something interesting. 

**Izzy was gleefully laughing at whatever joke had just been said. I was standing to the side of her and smiling as well. I could feel pride welling up inside me. It was such an honest emotion that I almost laughed. I looked around, and found Izzy and I were playing in the garden behind the Institute.** **The walls were glass, and plants decorated the room. It was humid. The atmosphere was alive with life and child glee. Suddenly, Izzy started to wander off. I guess she got bored with whatever they had been joking about. The exit loomed ahead, and looked to be Izzy's destination. I shouted, "Izzy, don't!" She shrugged in off. With that child-like arrogance and naivete, she continued towards the dark exit. Being the big brother that I was, I ran after her to catch up. It didn't take me long since I was ten at the time and was already quite tall for my age. Finally making it to the exit, Izzy opened the door with a flourish. I remember feeling a vague sensation of surprise. Shouldn't that be locked? It led outside the warding, so why was it so carelessly secured?**

**"See, Hermano! There's nothing to be afraid of," Izzy giggled. She walked out into the darkness with a cocky stride. Her arms were bouncing at her sides in time with her steps.**

**"Right, well let's just head back in. Mom doesn't want us out here. Also I want to check out more of the cool plants," I whined. My face was set in a pout, and I crossed my arms over my chest. My freshly done voyance rune stood out** **sharply** **against my pale skin.**

**"But, Herma-"**

**Abruptly, a slithering sound emanated from the dark alleyway. Before I had time to comprehend, a gruesome claw shot out of the abyss with lightning speed. It immediately latched onto Izzy as she was in front of me. She shrieked with fear, and in vain tried to grab at the digits that restrained her. The claws tightened into a vice as Izzy squirmed. I looked around, trying to find a weapon, any weapon. I came up empty. Hopelessness crashed into me like waves. What could I do? Should I run? Scream? Fight? As I tried to think of anything, the claw seemed to drag Izzy backward.**

**"Hermano!" Shouted Izzy. She had tears in her eyes, and her hands were outstretched towards me.**

**Instinctively, I reached my hands out towards her. She tried to grab onto my hands, but her fingers slipped through my grasp. I finally took a good look at the scene in front of me. The claw was dragging my little sister, Izzy, away forcefully by her abdomen. The nails were sharp enough that I could see lines of red from beneath her ripped clothes. Her mouth was wide, and her eyes were swollen shut from her tears.** **Something arose in me at the sight.** **The thing was like a vice on my heart, so without thinking, I reached out with my hands once again. Instead of reaching for Izzy though, I reached for the claw itself. I didn't know what I was thinking, just that this could work. I grabbed the closest digit, focusing of whatever was growing in me. I felt it crest within me, overtaking everything. The claw stiffened, and it looked as if it were-**

Alec ripped his hands away. No one could see that. No one. The circle's connection was abruptly cut off, and the demon screeched while it turned into dust. His chest was heaving for breath which didn't seem to come. The air in the room was frigid while Clary and Magnus subconsciously cradled their chilled hands. The shadows in the room seemed to burst to life as a dead silence settled over the room. A weight flowed into the space, and everyone went tense. 

The atmosphere grew charged as everyone waited for an explanation. Alec could feel four sets of eyes on him yet could meet none. He didn't have a plausible lie, but the truth wasn't going to answer anything either. Without a moment's thought, he left the room. His siblings stood ramrod straight in shock. Their eyes were wide, and their mouths were slightly agape. The first person to move was Magnus. Quickly, he pursued Alec who was opening the door to leave. 

"Wait!" shouted Magnus. Alec froze in the doorway. His shoulders were hunched, and the muscles were set in a tense line. Without saying anything, Alec's eyes peeked out from behind his shoulder; he was waiting for an explanation. 

"What was that? I said you would have to be prepared to lose a memory, didn't I? You even agreed, so what was that!" Magnus questioned. He didn't feel angry, just curious. 

"That memory can never be seen. I was prepared to lose any other memory but that one. It's too dangerous to be seen, and it's too important to be lost, alright?" Alec didn't meet Magnus' eye as he explained himself. Shame surged through him. He knew that the memory was to be kept hidden, but that didn't make this interaction any easier.

"I'm sorry that I screwed this up, but I can't explain anything. Please, just let me leave in somewhat peace..." Alec's words trailed off at the end and grew quiet. Magnus didn't look at him with judgement. With a quick glance, Alec instead found sympathy in his eyes. 

"Okay. Go if you must. I'll give the others something to help ease this, but you should talk about it if it affects you like this." Magnus couldn't help but feel concern for this young shadowhunter. This shadowhunter that somehow kept surprising him. Whatever was in his head couldn't have been good, and Magnus knew that feeling all too well. Living for four hundred plus years didn't leave anyone unscathed. Good or Bad, memories just didn't leave as quietly as he hoped. Looking into this young man's eyes, he saw that same struggle with oppressive memories and responsibilities. 

Alec gave a dry chuckle at that. It was more like a breath being exhaled forcefully. It was without mirth, and Alec finally found Magnus' eyes with a steady determination. 

"Thank you." Magnus could see it in Alec's eyes; he was truly grateful. Without another word, Alec turned and walked out the door. Magnus was startled at how _final_ that door clicking shut was. 

_What a weird Nephilim ,_ thought Magnus. He quickly turned back around, and strode into the previous room. Jace, Izzy, and Clary were huddled together and whispering conspiratorially. Apparently, this wasn't how that handsome shadowhunter acted usually. Izzy's head poked out from the huddle, and narrowed her eyes at him. 

"Did you do something?" Izzy accused, her features were sharp with suspicion. "I swear if you-"

"I did nothing. I assure you that whatever caused Alexander's little reaction wasn't caused by my influence. What he did was entirely him, honey." Magnus shot back. His eyes flashed with indignation. He wouldn't let these _children_ come into his home, and accuse him of something that he didn't do. That was a disrespect that he wouldn't let slide. 

"Right, sorry, I lost my head there for a bit. It's just... Alec is the levelheaded one of our group. Seeing him panic like that was just so... wrong," explained Izzy. Her eyes were apologetic, so Magnus let the issue slide. Magnus turned toward Clary.

"Well Clarissa, your memories are gone for good now. I'm sorry, but that was a one time thing. You'll just have to make due, but know that your memories should start to come back to you eventually. You might not get everything back, but you should get most. The Mortal Cup will just take a bit more time to find is, I assure you," Magnus said. Clary turned away from Jace, who had been talking to her in a hushed voice.

She nodded, "Alright, I can deal with that." 

With that, the group started to head towards the door. Before Izzy could leave however, Magnus grabbed her arm. 

"Yes," Izzy said. One of her immaculate eyebrows was raised in a look of disbelief. 

"About Alexander..." started Magnus. Izzy smirked, she knew that he had been interested, "...is he more of a flowers or cologne type of man?"

"My bets on the cologne."

"Dully noted...thank you," Magnus said. Something told him that the hazel-eyed shadowhunter wasn't going to leave his mind anytime soon. After seeing him, it felt like his frozen heart had started to wake up from its decades slumber. As he closed his door, Magnus startled. Slowly, an emotion bubbled towards the surface of his mind. It was almost foreign to him in nature, but something told him that this was something big. It continued its ascent upwards, yet Magnus had trouble placing a name to the feeling. The emotion finally burst to the surface with an alarming realization. _It's hope,_ thought Magnus. Strangely, Magnus seemed to deflate at that. His shoulders shrugged, and his eyes drooped. The glamour that he tightly held over his eyes flickered out. _Great, I've caught feelings for a shadowhunter of all people,_ he sighed. Resigning himself to his feelings, he let the feeling of hope grow until in encompassed his entire mind. He was not one to turn away from those feelings. No matter the consequences, he always embraced them. 

With that, Magnus slowly smirked to himself. 

_Things were about to get interesting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter felt like filler. I swear there will be a bit more plot going forward. I hope that within the next one to two chapters I can get to a major plot point that I've been thinking of for quite some time. How were my interactions? Did my memory sequence make sense? I wanted to make it like Alec was there, but also internally speaking of his experience within the experience. Almost like he was telling someone about the memory from his perspective. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec deals with the aftermath of the botched demon ritual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! Here's the next chapter in this fic. I'm sorry that it took so long to get out. I had some writer's block over the course of this chapter. Anyways, I hope that you enjoy!

Walking back to the Institute alone was dreadful. The night air possessed a chill that embedded itself within his bones as he walked, and his thoughts kept revolving around the same thing. _Why,_ thought Alec helplessly, _Why can't I just succeed for once_. Magnus didn't need to tell him, he already knew that the summoning circle was a one time deal. He didn't know how he knew, yet his instincts were screaming at him that the demon could not be summoned again. _Not only did I make a complete fool of myself, I also screwed up in getting the Mortal Cup._

Vaguely, Alec could tell that his legs were walking. In truth, he felt disconnected from everything. To him, he saw two things moving one after another. First, went the left one. Then, went the right one. This process seemed endless to his disconnected mind. There was no feeling, no sensation. Looking to his sides, two long things were swinging in time with the lower ones. They swung about without any real coordination that would be expected of a shadowhunter. He knew that he was heading to the Institute. He knew that these _emotions_ would disappear. That didn't stop the feelings of shame and disappointment from welling up inside him, covering his mind like a dense fog. It blanketed over every thought, every move he made. Nothing escaped it. 

Finally looking up, Alec realized that he had stopped outside the Institute. He made no move to enter. Something was stopping his feet. It was as if his feet were rooted to the spot, and no matter what he did, he couldn't move forward. He wouldn't be surprised if he looked down and saw actual roots with how heavy his feet felt. _Wake up, Lightwood. You've got work to do,_ Alec mentally demanded himself. 

Several minutes passed. 

He continued to stare impassively at the great, oak doors that were supposed to represent his sanctuary, his home. 

Finally, Alec's legs moved. One after another, they carried him up the steps, and into the great hall. Involuntarily, Alec realized that he was quickly approaching his room. 

Once in his room, Alec realized that he still had that necklace. No sooner had that realization settled, he felt as if it were burning a hole in his pocket. Quickly, he sneaked back out into the hallway and went into Izzy's room. Setting the necklace down, Alec made his way back the way he had come. The door closed softly behind him, and he instantly started to undress. Everything was reflexive at this point. 

Once done with his usual routine of placing silencing and locking runes over his door, he examined his room. It was still in a general state of chaos. He had made no move to clean up the mess. The chair was still knocked over, and the books and papers were scattered on the floor. The dresser was tilted where it stood, and his clothes laid at haphazard angles. Sighing, Alec thought, _It's not like it'll be getting any better._ Alec finally managed to flick his light off, and laid face down on his disheveled bed. He pressed his face into the pillow hoping that it would drive away his thoughts. Once calm, he laid there for a few moments to think over everything that had happened today. The most notable being how the demon had managed to pull _that_ memory out of him. Even though most demons went for loved and cherished memories, they could also take the painful ones. It was all the same effect for them anyway. Because of Alec's disruption, the demon had failed to collect it. It was still fresh in his mind as his eyes drifted shut. 

**The demon stiffened, and where I was touching, the digit seemed to disintegrate. Ash flowed down from the claw in rivulets; not quite liquid, but it flowed nonetheless. It was a dark grey, and pooled onto the concrete in a thick puddle. Long, broad veins of grey-ish blue could be seen climbing the arm back towards the demon's body as a chill slowly crept into the air. I finally noticed that I was no longer holding the digit. The claw's grasp loosened considerably as it no longer had a claw to grip with. I didn't notice Izzy collapsing. The alley's air was almost frozen in temperature, and the shadows grinned from their seats, eager for their show. My audience rallied me on, so without thinking I let the wave crest again within me. This time, I saw that the ash wasn't ash at all. It was frozen sheets that had broken off from the demon itself. The slight breeze that infiltrated the alleyway easily tore the demon apart.**

**Again, the wave crested.**

**Again, I let it.**

**I stood there in my own moment, being spurred on by the shadows. By that point, a smug grin was starting to grow on my face. I had done this. I had destroyed this demon. I alone killed a demon. A wave was beginning to form again, and I almost let it go as well. Looking around, I hoped to see Izzy's smile and pride staring back at me for my accomplishment. I remember wanting to see her eyes as I let another wave crest. I wanted to show her my power, and have her be excited for me.**

**What I found wasn't a smile. What I found wasn't pride.**

**I found her crumpled into herself, clutching her legs with her arms. Her skin was almost blue at that point. Against the concrete, her body was rigid as she shivered. Her** **fingers were clenched so tightly that her knuckles were white.**

**As sudden as the feeling appeared, it vanished in an instant. I snapped out of my trance and rushed to her side.**

**Seeing her up close, I noticed her face. Her lips were blue, and her eyelashes were covered in frost.** **"H-Her-rmano-o..." stuttered Izzy. Her lips were shaking so bad that she almost couldn't speak.**

**I looked down at her with anguish splashed across my face. How could I have done this? What did I do? I was her big brother, her hermano. How could I have hurt her? Izzy looked back up at me, and tried to speak once more.**

**"C-co-old... so co-old..."**

**Tears were in my eyes at this point. They fell down my face in thick streams. My lips trembled not from cold, but from fear and sadness. I had done this to her. I had caused Izzy, my little sister, pain.**

**"Hold on Izzy, please! I'll bring you inside, and I'll warm you up. I promise! I'll even make you hot chocolate with all the mini marshmallows that you want!" I finished that sentence off with a wobbly smile. I tried to reassure her, to tell her that she was going to be okay. The smile didn't reach my eyes.**

**I picked her up, and cradled her against my chest. Thankfully the garden door was still open, and I kicked it open wider. I found a bench where I set her down. The garden was probably the best place to warm up at. The sun's heat got trapped in the glass space easily, and didn't leave till the early morning hours. Also the Institute had never come across as warm to me. Inside, the place was sterile and cold. After minutes of anxious waiting and internal debates, Izzy looked to be recovering. Her lips were returning to their rosy coloring, and her fingers had relaxed. She was no longer in a fetal position and was breathing without a tremor. Stepping back, I let out a breath. I sat against the glass walls, and turned towards the adjacent glass. I looked out towards the city until something caught my gaze. I focused on it. Something was wrong. The reflection that was staring back wasn't mine. It couldn't be. I would know if it were. I looked at that reflection everyday after all. But something was...off. I couldn't place it until I looked at my eyes. Those hazel eyes that I had grown to expect weren't there.**

**Glowing blue eyes stared back at me instead.**

Alec startled awake at that. He had no idea when he had fallen asleep while going down memory lane. Groaning, he looked at his alarm clock. _1:00 a.m, really,_ thought Alec. Turning his back to the fluorescent red numbers, Alec tried to calm his thoughts enough to fall back asleep. That memory always managed to make him anxious. Memories led to the night's action which led him to Magnus, the sparkly enigma of a warlock. Surprisingly, the thought of that glittery man managed to lull him into sleep. His mind began to fill with color and bad innuendos as his eyes gradually drifted shut. All the while, a smile snaked its way across his face. With one last huff, Alec slipped into a deep sleep. 

He saw blood. It was everywhere. It covered everything. Nothing had escaped it. Alec looked around in horror and tried to figure out what was happening. He saw two figures on a hill that was surrounded by death. Bodies were clinging to each other, and the blood was thick enough to float in. One of the figures looked vaguely familiar to him while the other was a complete stranger. The familiar being had black hair and ivory skin. The stranger was a platinum blond with a slim build. He could tell that both were males, and that both were fighting to the death. Wanting to get closer, Alec thought about where his body was. Suddenly, he was aware of a faint floating sensation that seemed to radiate throughout his body. Looking down, Alec realized that he was indeed floating. He looked transparent like a ghost, and was set off into the distance, watching the ongoing battle. _I'm spectating,_ thought Alec, _I don't have a role in this, do I?_

 _You must win,_ said a voice. Whipping his head around, Alec tried to locate The Voice's origin. He saw none. 

_You must defeat him, Alexander._ The Voice resounded inside his head like a hammer strike. Again, there was no source for The Voice. 

_Only you have the power to stop this. Don't disappoint...._ The Voice trailed off after that. 

Between one moment and the next, Alec found himself face-to-face with the stranger from the hill. Up this close, Alec could see the stranger's eyes. They were completely black. An aura also seemed to surround him. It was hot like hell's fires, and burned with a similar intensity. Looking down, Alec noticed what weighed heavily in his hand. A steel blade that looked worn and used was held tightly in his grasp. Blood was smeared across it's gleaming surface, and Alec could tell that the edge was sharp enough to kill.

Without warning, a sword was brought down upon him. Instincts took over from there as he and the stranger clashed against one another. No one could gain an advantage, nor could either of them deal a fatal blow. Blow after blow, they fought. Alec got him on the arm. The stranger got him on his thigh. The moments stretched onward into infinity, and Alec began to lose his sense of time. Alec would get quick glimpses of the hill from one blow to the next. They were surrounded by an audience of death, and Alec couldn't figure out if they were cheering for him or the stranger. _Probably both,_ Alec thought, _Death has no preferences after all._

Finally, the battle ended. Alec felt a bone-deep wariness as he viewed his sword. It was sunken into the stranger's chest, and Alec could see that already, the stranger was struggling to breath. Red was beginning to bloom out from the wound. 

He had won.

There was no feeling of victory, no satisfaction. 

His victory was a fact, nothing more. 

The stranger looked at him with a weird set of emotions. Anger, Fear, Pride, Respect all intermingled on the man's face, all flashing across rapidly. As he contemplated his victory through a fog of exertion, he became aware at a chill that crept through his limbs. It was agonizingly slow, and seemed to trap the breath inside his chest. Looking down, Alec saw the culprit. The stranger's sword was lodged in his chest. Red was soaking through his shirt, and Alec was aware of a silence that was clogging his ears. Slowly, he slid to his knees. Grasping the sword, Alec pulled it out with more strength than he thought he possessed. He examined the sword that was going to be his bane with a distant look. It was like his body was telling him what was happening, but his mind wasn't able to fully understand. The sword clattered to the ground as Alec laid back. Alec looked up at the stars. He saw so much, yet the vast emptiness in between is what called to him. His breaths came in short gasps as his chest struggled to work. A clarity seemed to settle over his mind at that moment. This clarity brought with it the people that he cared most for. Their faces flashed across his mind in a montage of events. 

Jace.

Izzy.

Max.

Maryse. 

Robert.

His family member's faces appeared before him and all of their best memories together. 

He was with Izzy and Jace. They were playing outside the Institute on one of those rare days where nothing was demanded of them. He remembers how bright his smile was that day, and how loudly Izzy and Jace laughed. The game didn't matter so much as the company. He remembered the joy that he felt in their presence, the comfort that he had with them. 

Thinking of his older siblings led him to think of his youngest, Max. He sees himself sitting on his bed, reading a story about brave sailors and the perils at sea. Max is laying down with the brightest smile he had ever seen. 

Next, he saw his mother. This was before everything. He could tell because she was talking to him without a look of disgust on her face. She and Alec were sitting down at a table where figurines were splayed out across a battle mat. Her eyes gleamed with pride, and a small smile had begun to grow as he talked about his strategies. 

Robert appeared next. He was always close behind Maryse, even in those days. Alec and Robert were standing in the training room, and Robert was holding a stele. Alec remembers the happiness and hope that had filled him. He would finally be a true shadowhunter with runes. Robert even had a small smile on his face as he described proper usage of runes and the dangers of overuse. Pride shined from his eyes then, not disgust. 

The memories flashed before his eyes within seconds, each leaving their own impression. Alec took another shuddering breath as a silent tear descended from his eye. A small smile took form, and for a final time, Alec shut his eyes to rest.

The shadows cheered from their seats. 

Alec awoke with a scream. He sat up quickly, and his chest heaved for air. His hands gripped the comforter so hard that his knuckles were white. Frantically, Alec looked around for the battle. He looked for the blood, the stranger, the shadows. With trembling hands, Alec felt around his chest. Nothing was there. No blood, no sword. He realized that he was back in the Institute, in his bed. _I'm safe... Another event, huh?_ thought Alec. Gradually, Alec came back to himself. Steady breaths filled his lungs, and his trembling hands calmed. With blurry eyes, Alec finally looked at the state of his room. _This one must have been big._ Alec regarded the room's state, and just thought, _the room's in shambles._ Papers were torn and shredded across his floor. Books had been ripped apart by the spine, and his clothes were strewn across the floor, most being scraps rather than full garments of clothing. His desk looked to be almost split in half while the closet was completely on its side, it's drawers spilling open. 

Almost in a haze, Alec swung his leaden feet over the side of his bed. His legs moved as if on autopilot as he rifled around his desk's drawers, careful as not to further break the piece of furniture. Finally, he came upon what he had been searching for. 

It was an old sketchbook. The casing was weathered leather, but anyone could see that it was well cared for. There were no cracks, nor were there any tears. The pages were thick and yellowed on the edges. The paper had begun to fray, but not from misuse. It had just simply begun to deteriorate. At first glance, the sketchbook held no noticeable characteristics. There was no name, no signature that told of what the book contained within its pages. The spine told a different story. On it was metallic gold lettering. The lettering was runic and small, and had been engraved into the leather with painstaking detail. The gold shimmered with an ethereal light, and glowed with power. Absentmindedly, Alec ran his finger down that spine, causing a shiver to run down his back. _No one would ever see those letters,_ Alec was sure of it. 

Cracking the book open was surprising to say the least. No one would ever guess the gruesome details that the book hid. The first initial pages looked alright. Alec was still getting his touch back then, so the imagery was juvenile in style. The pictures were hard to discern, and the actions were hazy in detail. As the pages progressed however, was when the details became fleshed out in all of their horrific beauty. Truly, the pictures could be sold in art galleries. Angelic faces dotted the pages, and bright lights could be seen. The monsters were horrific in detail, but sold the horror so well. Looking past that facade was when the true nature of the pictures was told. Pools of blood were everywhere. People's lifeless eyes stared back at Alec. His fingers trembled as he flipped the pages, the next page more abominable then the last. Near the end, Alec slowed down his desperate pace. He hadn't realized it then, but he could now recognize and put a name to one of those mysterious faces that he had drawn for so long. 

Clarissa Morgenstern. 

She appeared more and more frequently as the sketches went on. Sometimes, she was lying in her own pool of blood. Sometimes, she was clutching an all too familiar body. Her fiery, red hair stood out against the smudges of black and grey that covered the pages. _I still don't know where you belong in all of this_ , Alec thought. Despite what his siblings said, Alec wasn't one to actively fret about control. Not really anyway. He knew that he could easily lose his control at any time. He also knew that sometimes things had to play out to a certain extent, in a certain way. Yes, he liked the idea of control, but that was simply because he had _none_ most of the time. It was idealistic to him, a fantasy that he could hope for. 

Thinking of his siblings, Alec got back to his task at hand. Quickly, Alec brought out his charcoal stick that was always with him. Color could always be added later. After the first couple of events, Alec learned that always having one on hand was better than having nothing. He sat down on the edge of his bed, and slowly forced his mind back into his nightmarish scenes. That all too familiar rush engulfed him, and the charcoal started to move on its own accord. Lines were laid down, shadows darkened, edges defined. Without looking in a mirror, Alec could tell that his _eyes_ were out again. They always appeared when he delved into this state, this trance that enveloped his every sense. 

He didn't know how long he stayed like that. It could have been hours for he knew. The only sounds that filled his room were the _sku, sku_ of the charcoal as it dragged across the page. Vaguely, he was aware of the sun that had begun to peak out through his window. He was also aware that his back was starting to develop an ache due to his posture. Regardless of the passing time, Alec didn't stop until the waves that had been crashing against him and engulfing him settled into their place. 

Alec looked down at his latest work. The images left him sick. If he hadn't been so accustomed to the graphic imagery, he would have dropped his stick. The images flowed together like water, yet nothing could have prepared him for seeing himself lying there, dying. Even though he had experienced that pain, seeing it in graphic detail like an outsider was something entirely different. At least for the experience, he had been partially numb from blood loss. Here, he had to witness everything with a detached sort of horror. All of his feelings could be seen clearly. In the moment however, all Alec had been aware of was a sort of faint panic. He knew he had been dying. He had felt it. This however, let him fully experience it with perfect clarity. 

With shaking hands, Alec swiftly dropped the sketchbook to the left of him, and brought his hands to his face. There he rested them in hopes that darkness would give him some much needed security. Letting out shallow breaths, he trailed his hands down until they lay clenched in his lap. 

After several minutes of him just trying to breath even, deep breaths, Alec got to his feet. He trudged over to his mirror which had somehow remained intact despite everything that Alec had hurled at it. In the reflection was a ghost of a man. Pale, ghastly skin was sunken against thin bones. Dark circles stood out proudly against his skin, and his lips were so scabbed that they looked like a mottled mess. The eyes that stared back were an electric blue although it was quickly fading into hazel. The irises were surrounded by bloodshot scleroses. _Pull yourself together_ , Alec demanded, _you have an institute to run._ People always needed a leader, someone to direct and take charge. It didn't matter if he was up to it or not, he had a job to do and people to lead. 

Finally, Alec managed to put on a decent mask. He picked up some of the less tarnished clothes, and put them on. The clothes were all black. 

_Izzy's right, I really am monochromatic in all aspects, huh?,_ mused Alec. He was never one to really care about how his clothes looked. Clothes served a purpose, so why should he care about what others had to say? His style was especially bland when compared to one sparkly, handsome warlock that he had met last night. His cheeks heated up at the thought. _Really, Magnus could pull off anything. Particularly when Magnus had been chanting. He wouldn't be surprised if that demon-_

Reality washed over him like a bucket of ice cold water. Magnus Bane, the demon, the memory. Everything came back to him in that moment. With this morning's event, he hadn't thought of what the aftermath would be. Magnus said that he would give an excuse for him, but he knew that his siblings wouldn't buy it for a second. Izzy and Jace would have questions. Questions that Alec wasn't sure if he could answer. 

Mentally composing himself, Alec set his shoulders into a soldier's stance. He was a man on a mission. This was a battle of wills that he just simply couldn't lose. 

Turns out he didn't have to wait long for the questions. 

They cornered him as soon as they spotted him, basically dragging him away into an abandoned room. 

"Well, do you have anything to say about last night, Alec?" questioned Izzy. Her arms were crossed over her chest, but her words held no fire. She did sound worried though. Alec grimaced at that. 

"Yeah, parabatai, the bond was picking up on this unease from you the entire time that we were at that club. It went away at Magnus' new hideout, but once the memories were being taken, it spiked" Jace spoke with concern. His brother wasn't one to bail during something. Alec would stay and finish no matter what the mission or request was. Seeing him practically run out of there...it was unnerving to say the least. 

If any of them noticed Alec's pale skin and frighteningly black dark circles, none of them pointed it out. 

"It was nothing. I'm fine. The demon just brought up a really painful memory for me, one that I couldn't show anyone. Not yet at least." Explained Alec. _Hopefully never_ , a quiet voice whispered in the back of his mind. 

"Painful memory or not, Magnus warned us about that. Why did you just bail like that? I get it if it were a precious memory or something, but that memory wasn't anything important. I was there, and I don't remember anything painful about it. In fact, the most I can remember is the garden, then nothing." 

Alec looked down at his hands after that last remark. He was glad that she didn't remember much. It was selfish, but he couldn't have Izzy hating him. If he told them, he would do it on his terms. Not from some random memory demon. That train of thought sparked a whole new debate. _Would they understand if I told them? Would they look at me the same? Would I still be Alec, big brother, parabatai once they found out?_ It would be so easy. To just let go, and tell them. They would understand, right? 

_But what if they didn't,_ a small voice whispered in the back of his head, _what if they think you're a freak?_ _They would take one look at you and run._ The voice grew stronger as Alec listened. A _normal shadowhunter can't do what you do, so why should they treat you like one. You're not. They'll see that, and leave you. Just like they did all those years ago. Pathetic. Freak. Monster._ The words repeated endlessly, and the voice was screaming inside his head, drowning out all other sensations. 

A crack resonated through the space. Startled out of his thoughts, Alec whipped his head up to find the source. Izzy and Jace both looked confused as well. Finally, the origin of the noise was found. It was the room's window. It had cracked in a hundred different spots. Vaguely, the cracks looked like how ice did on a winter morning. The windows had turned opaque with how many cracks had appeared, and the surface was covered in a thick frost. 

Panicking, Alec tried to find a good excuse to isolate himself, to leave. "I-I have to go... manage the... shifts for today's patrols." He ducked his head as he tried to make his way out of the room, but Izzy caught his arm before he could stride past. Alec continued to look down at his feet as Izzy began to talk. 

"No, hermano, you're not going anywhere. Not yet at least. Whatever hit that window doesn't concern me. What does concern me is that memory that you're so adamant to hide," Izzy stated, "I don't remember it well, but I do remember that the entire situation was fine. I don't get why a memory like that would be chosen, and I don't get why it would freak you out so much."

"There is no good reason, Izzy. I don't have a good reason for why I messed up that ritual last night, okay? That memory... it just... it's painful for me. Hell, even going back into the garden is painful for me still." Alec all but shouted near the end of his sentence. An anger welled up inside him. _Why couldn't they just let it be?_

"Alec, it's okay. Nobody blames you. I don't, Izzy doesn't... even Clary doesn't blame you. We're here to support you with whatever is going on," reassured Jace. His parabatai was hurting so clearly, yet he couldn't help him. Jace reached out his hand to grasp Alec's shoulder to comfort him. Alec evaded it. It looked involuntary if Alec's alarmed expression was anything to go by. 

Raising his hand to the back of his neck, Alec said in a quiet voice, "Sorry, didn't mean to do that. It's nothing against you, it's just... touching is too much, and I don't think I can handle that." Jace slowly lowered his hand. He wasn't hurt. He wasn't. This was his parabatai, and he would respect his wishes. What did hurt was the fact that Jace didn't know how to comfort him in the slightest. Alec had always been the one to put a hand on his shoulder, to say the soothing words when he was upset. Now that Alec was hurting, Jace was left trying to do those same things without any idea how to do them. 

"It's okay, hermano. We get it. Just... don't feel like you have to do everything though, okay? We're right here, even Clary would pitch in if you ever wanted to talk about it." Izzy comforted. She wasn't like Alec. She couldn't comfort these things away with a hug and some words. All she could do was show that she was here, that she wanted to help. _I might have a talent for spotting these things, but comfort... it just wasn't something that I could do. Not like Alec at least,_ grimaced Izzy. Even with her assurances, Alec was stubborn. She knew that. He wouldn't take any comfort if it meant that someone else would get affected in the process. He refused to, it was just his nature. 

"Thank you," whispered Alec. 

With that Alec walked over to the door that was cold to the touch. Pausing, Alec peeked over his shoulder, and stared at his siblings with so much love and affection that Izzy and Jace almost ran over and hugged him. His eyes looked glassy from unshed tears. Turning towards the door again, Alec hastily left without another look. 

After several silent minutes, Izzy finally spoke up. 

"Jace, can you feel anything from your bond?"

"Kind of. The bond feels murky. It's the only way I can describe it. I can feel Alec, but there's this...something that's also there."

"Keep an eye on him, will you? I don't know what's going on with him, but if it's got our brother this worked up....," Izzy trailed off with that.

Jace met her eyes, and Izzy knew that they were thinking the same thing. 

_He doesn't deserve to go through this alone._

Izzy drew her eyes away from Jace's for a moment, and looked back at the shattered window. With the amount of cracks in that thing, it truly was impressive that it hadn't shattered. _What had hit it though?_ Izzy thought back on the conversation. After Izzy finished talking about the memory, Alec had started to look panicked. Then, the window shattered, and Alec had looked downright horrified. _Something's going on here,_ thought Izzy, _and it's all connected back to Alec._

Walking through the Institute usually left Alec in a better mood. In these walls, he had a job, a purpose. Everything-his memories, his emotions-they became background noise. He could tune it out until it was a gentle buzz in the back of his mind. Izzy called it a harmful coping mechanism.

He called it bliss.

Alec strolled through the Institute's long hallways, and let his thoughts drift apart. There was no real purpose to his walking, he was just meandering about. Everything washed over him in a comforting way. The stark walls gleamed, and his shoes clicked in a rhythmic way. His thoughts circled each other until he found himself thinking about one thing repeatedly. 

Magnus Bane. 

Just thinking of him, his cheeks flushed bright red. A small smile crept up on him, and unconsciously, he began to quietly hum. No one had ever made him feel like this. No one but Jace. Although even then, this was an entirely different feeling. His stomach didn't just flutter, it erupted. Despite everything that had happened last night, Alec kept coming back to the same thing. Magnus had called him Alexander. Not Alec.

Alexander.

He didn't know how he knew his full name, but he wasn't about to make him stop. Alec was his name to everyone else, yet hearing Magnus saying his full name was almost like a praise. His lilt on the name made him nervous and disoriented but not in a bad way. It was a good out of control moment, something that he had never experienced until then. Thinking of his name also brought with it his parents. He didn't know if his name would forever bring them to mind, but for now they were never far behind. 

Alexander Gideon Lightwood. 

It was a regal name fitting of someone of high status. Just hearing someone say Alexander always left him feeling heavy like a weight had been added onto his shoulders. His parents had thought it fitting to name their first born that. After all, Alexander did mean protector, and what other name was more fitting for someone who would dedicate their entire life to protecting others. He could still remember the way his mother had said the name. Stern and unforgiving with an edge of disappointment. 

Magnus didn't say it like that. 

He didn't make him feel weighed down.

For once, expectations weren't attached to it. 

His parents had always done that. 

Being Alec was by far easier than being Alexander. Alexander always carried a weight with it, an air of promises that didn't care if he could fulfill them or not. Most days, it seemed that his shoulders would forever creak from the weight of those promises. He could be Alec any day. To be Alexander, was taxing. 

Even with those morbid thoughts bouncing around his head, Alec couldn't get the way Magnus had said his out of his head. Magnus had spoken it with a playful lilt that had just exuded life. His blush intensified from there. _Izzy would give me so much shit for this. I'm grinning like a teenager_ , thought Alec. He smirked at that. 

Before Alec could truly delve into those new feelings, reality seemed to crash back into him. _Get a hold of yourself! Those are not thoughts for someone like you. He's a guy and a downworlder at that! You're the future head of the Institute, not some love struck fool,_ Alec berated himself. 

Alec quickly looked back up. Those emotions were ones that could disappear, and he wouldn't be the least bit upset. They made his life a living hell, and had doomed him to a lonely, loveless life. Shadowhunting and homosexuality didn't mix after all. Especially shadowhunters and downworlders. 

Deciding that he needed a break, Alec made his way to the training room. A few rounds with the punching bag couldn't hurt, right? _At least the pain would distract me._

Entering the training room, Alec spotted Clary stretching on a mat. She wore all black, and her hair was tied back into a ponytail. He was beginning to see her angelic lineage more and more these days. 

"Hey Alec!" Clary called out. 

"Hey Fray," responded Alec. An awkward silence filled the room as they both looked at anything but each other. Alec ran his hand through his hair as his nerves set in. 

"Look-"

"Hey-"

They started at the same time. 

"You first, Alec"

"Okay... well I don't really know how to do this. I'm not the best at these things, but I just wanted to apologize. I know that I screwed up your chances of getting your memories. I bailed when you needed me. For that, I'm sorry." His voice was gruff, but Alec was looking at Clary by this point. Although he was nervously rubbing his neck, his eyes shone with conviction. 

Clary looked up at Alec. The apology might have left something to be desired, but his eyes were earnest. He truly was sorry for his actions. 

"It's okay. I might not know you as well as the others, but I know that something big must have happened for you to react like that. Plus, I'll get the memories back eventually, it'll just take a bit more time," She ended with a smile. She could see that this was something that was weighing heavily on him. His shoulders were hunched, and he was obviously nervous. The paleness of his skin didn't go unnoticed either. _He's really not that emotionless, huh?_

 _"_ Thank you." Alec said in a small voice. It was barely above a whisper, but was packed with emotion.

After a couple of silent moments, Alec found his voice again. With a cough, Alec said, "What were you planning on doing in here anyway?" 

"I don't really know to be honest. I came in here to maybe workout? It just felt like something a shadowhunter would do." Clary shrugged at that. This world was just so new to her. There was no instruction manual for her to use, so she was a little lost in what she was supposed to do. 

"Really, Fray? You could get hurt in here if you don't know what you're doing. You do know that, right?" Alec was back to stoicism. His shoulders were straight, and his voice was commanding. 

"I mean-"

"No, Fray. Iratzes might help with healing, but out there in the field, there's no time for that. Despite our runes, form, skill, strength could all be deciding factors in if we live or die. There is no playing when stepping into this room. You enter this place to get better, not for fun." Alec looked down at her with a silent anger. Clary averted her eyes in shame. 

"How can you do that? Go from nervous to threatening so quickly? It's like a switch."

"Because my parabatai and sister have become attached to you. Despite my problems with you, those two like you. I would prefer you to actually survive. If not for them, then for yourself. This isn't a game, Fray. You could die out there, so this room needs conviction, purpose. We come in here to train, so that when we get out there, we don't die." He wouldn't spare her the details. Honesty was always best with these things. Exaggeration and false promises would serve no purpose when trying to tell someone their life was on the line. Also, he felt that she deserved to know. Her mother had taken away her chance to be prepared, to be trained. This was her life now, yet she didn't know anything about it. The blatant truth would ensure that she finally understood the significance of everything. At least, he hoped it would. 

"Okay. You have a point. Can you help me then? I don't want to burden you guys in the field. Worse, I don't want someone to die because of me either." Her voice was barely audible. She held her head low, her eyes staring intently at the floor. Anything was more interesting than seeing those angry eyes piercing into her. 

"Yes, but don't expect me to take it easy on you. You have a lot to catch up on, and not much time to do it." His eyes had softened. No longer was there a silent anger; gentle concern had taken its place. 

_Izzy was right, he really is a big softy,_ thought Clary. Any other time, she would have laughed, but with him looking at her like that, she kept it to herself. Those kind eyes told her that he cared, and that he would protect her if he needed to. Clary vowed that she would do everything in her power to never see that anger in those eyes ever again, that anger that told her that she had wronged him. Something told her that disappointing Alec would be more devastating than anything she had ever done. 

"Alright. I agree. When do we start?" Her eyes shone with mirth, and a big smile was spread across her face. 

"Now." Alec smirked at that. Clary's smile was authentic. He could tell that she was genuinely excited to learn. 

_Maybe Clary Fray would turn out to be a decent shadowhunter after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the chapter! Any support is appreciated immensely, and I hope that you're finding this fic an interesting read! How I've got this fic going is that I'm basing my timeline off of the show-verse. I won't do everything that the show did, but I'm going to follow that general outline. The show was great though, you should totally check it out. Hell, that show was what made me start to seriously read the book series (Both are great btw...)  
> Also any help about tag additions would be gladly accepted. I don't really know how to tag this piece, so any recommendations would be greatly valued!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Malec for everyone with some remembrance mixed in from Izzy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter took a bit, but I'm happy to say that it's out! I hope that you enjoy. This is a bit filler-ish, but there is still some good plot points that get introduced (At least in my opinion...)

He didn't really know how he ended up in this situation.

Alec knew of course, but that didn't mean that the circumstances weren't any less confusing. 

Currently, he was holding Magnus' hand. Magnus, who was gripping his hand like a lifeline, was borrowing his strength. Alec didn't know why he offered it, but something just told him that this was right. Luke had been deposited on his couch injured from a fight within the pack, so everyone had come running into Magnus' loft demanding that he be healed. Magnus, being the golden-souled person he was, accepted. _Clarissa Fray, you will be the death of me one of these days,_ Alec thought with barely smothered contempt. Clary had decided that she needed to go back to her charred apartment of all places. Nevermind the fact that she had no formal training, she didn't even stop to consider the enemies she now had in the Shadowworld. Having Morgenstern as a last name would do that to anyone. Despite the short time frame he's known her, he should've just known that she would pull a stunt like this. Her stubborn nature only seemed to amplify her inquisitive nature. No, she just went out. _If this didn't prove his claim about her idiocy, then nothing would._ Maybe he would add himself to that idiotic list. He had left her for _one minute_. One. Not five, not even ten. Just one. How she managed to sneak out amongst twenty trained shadowhunters was beyond him, but she was going to go on inchor duty or something after this. She needed to learn something, so might as well have her learn discipline. 

Alec startled out of his thoughts after Magnus gave a particularly harsh tug of his hand. This was followed by an equally harsh pull on his strength. Alec gasped as he felt his reserves crumbling. _Hold on Magnus, you can do it._ Nevermind the fact that Alec was about five seconds from passing out himself. Although his strength was flagging, he was determined to keep Magnus going. This was only reinforced when he took a long look at the warlock himself. The man wove his magic about with elegance, and his hands were a bright blue color. Sweat was dripping down his brow, his makeup was smudged beyond recognition, and his breath was coming out in pants. _He's the most beautiful person I've ever seen,_ thought Alec. 

"I've got it!" Clary shouted as she ran with a white, creamy mixture in hand. _For something that's supposed to be the cure, she is sure taking chances with the stuff, huh?_

"You need to get him to drink it Clarissa. I can't keep the magic going, and feed him the potion," gasped out Magnus. His voice was breathy and strained from exertion. 

"Got it!" Rounding the corner, Clary carefully tipped the contents down Luke's throat. Besides a choking cough, the potion went down without issue. 

Magnus collapsed after that. Alec quickly righted his body to catch most of him. Looking down, Alec gazed into his exhausted eyes. 

"You alright?" _Nice Alec, good one. Of course he's not doing alright, he just kept a man alive for five hours straight!_ Alec almost groaned after that thought, but managed to keep it in. 

Magnus gave him a limp smile at that, and closed his eyes. Alec just cradled him until he thought that he was deep enough into sleep to talk. 

"Everyone", commanded Alec, "he needs rest. I'll stay to confirm things with him while you guys leave. Type up the reports, but omit certain things, okay? We don't need everything on that report. Got it?" His voice was firm and clear, yet it was also quiet. 

Three pairs of dumbstruck eyes looked down at him. No one moved a muscle. Alec, this 6'3" shadowhunter with a permanent scowl, was cradling Magnus as if he was the most precious being ever created. The contrast was jarring to say the least. 

"Well? I can give you more tasks. In fact, I'd love to. I've already got them picked out too." Alec gave a sadistic smirk after that. His patience was wearing thin by this point, but snapping at them would get nothing done. At least, it wouldn't get things done faster. _It'd be more satisfying though_ , thought Alec wistfully. A signature migraine was building just behind his eyes, and Alec resisted the urge to pinch his brows together. 

"No! We're good. We'll leave now. Don't worry about it." Izzy exclaimed, nearly shouting. Her face was set in a panicked expression, and she quickly ushered Jace and Clary out the door. They followed her mindlessly. Izzy knew not to mess with her brother when he got that look in his eyes. It was an icy glare that sent chills down her spine just thinking about it. _I'm surprised he didn't petrify me with that look. It certainly was strong enough._ Izzy winced with that thought. 

Once out in the hallway, Izzy and Jace pulled Clary along. She was dragging her heels, and her whole body was tense.

"How come Alec gets to stay, huh? He's got no authority. He can't tell me what to do!" Even Izzy could hear how much of a brat she sounded like. 

"Well technically, he's the acting head of the Institute. Since you're a shadowhunter at that institute, he's got jurisdiction over you, and can command you to pretty much anything now that you're runed." Izzy explained all of this without a pause.

"Also he's obviously got a thing for Magnus," Jace said nonchalantly with a completely straight face. 

Izzy's mouth dropped open in surprise. "You know?"

"Of course. We're parabatai after all. It's kinda hard to hide sexual preference when you share half a soul, don't ya think?"

"I mean yeah, but have you told him?

"Told him what?"

"Told him that you know that he's gay." She says this as if it's the simplest thing in the world, and it probably is to anyone else.

"Nope, not yet. I want him to tell me himself. It's his moment, and I won't take that from him," Jace said. His eyes were filled with sincerity and love for his parabatai. 

"Alright.... That's kind of you. Kinder than I gave you credit for actually." Izzy looked away with shame after that. Her face was set in a sheepish expression, and her hands fiddled with the hem of her shirt. 

"It's okay. Most people think I'm pretty oblivious, but I do notice some things."

Both siblings stared back at one another, each taking in the other in a completely new light. "What do we do now?" Clary said, completely breaking the tender moment between Izzy and Jace. Both startled and looked at her as if just realizing that she was still there. 

"Ummm....go back and file the reports?" Izzy looked at Jace after that. He gave a curt nod, and set off down the hallway with long strides. Izzy and Clary quickly caught up, and all three disappeared into the night. 

Alec was still clutching Magnus. Even after all this time, the warlock was pale. His usual golden skin was a muted version of itself. Dark circles stood out against the paleness, and his breath was still shaky.

Eventually, Magnus made a faint noise. His eyes opened, and Alec felt a twinge of disappointment. His cat eyes weren't out anymore. A chocolaty, brown masked them. Alec almost spoke this out loud but was startled when, in one fluid movement, Magnus stood up. _Damn, he's graceful. And flexible. And beautiful. Fuck, I'm screwed, aren't I?_ Alec's eyes glazed over as those thoughts quickly deteriorated into less than pure images. He could have sworn that he heard his heart beating out of his chest, and his hands started to sweat. His stomach quickly joined, and became a fluttery mess. _This man is going to kill me, but man what a way to go,_ thought Alec. 

"Do you feel that?"

This snapped Alec out of his reverie, and he quickly sought Magnus' eyes. "What?"

"The cold. It got really intense out of nowhere. I could have sworn that I didn't leave the air on. Maybe it was...." Magnus' breath came out in puffs of mist, and his shirt looked to have a light layer of frost near the edges. 

Alec checked out after Magnus said cold. Immediately, he clamped down on his emotions with an iron grip. He mentally swept through himself, and shut down everything. The fluttery feeling in his stomach became leaden, the sweaty palms turned as dry as the Sahara, and the wild beat of his heart slowed to a turtle's pace. 

"No, I don't" His voice was robotic. 

"Hmmm, that's strange... It's gone." Magnus took one look at Alec. The gaze was strong enough and charged enough with _something_ that Alec almost squirmed. "Nevermind that darling, what did you want to discuss. Despite your best efforts, I did hear your little commands to the others." Magnus finished that off with a wink. 

All in a rush, his emotions flared up. Alec just knew that his face was bright red. 

"Umm...uh well payment first off....and uh I wanted to clean up since you've used a lot of magic, and I just thought it would be nice, ya know? And-" His stuttering mess of words was cut off by Magnus. More specifically, his finger which now rested on his lips. Alec stared until Magnus removed it, his eyes traveling with it to Magnus' eyes. 

"Well doesn't that sound kind. It really wouldn't be a bother. I do have magic, and more in reserves than you could ever know." Magnus finished in a rush. Alec looked about one second from reminding him that he'd exhausted his magic tonight. 

Alec gave a shrug at that. He had said that he was going to clean up, so with that, Alec quickly set to work with a rag and some cleaner. Once Magnus saw that Alec wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon, he migrated over to his large, expansive windows. Magnus stood in front of them and looked out across the city skyline. A martini was in his right hand, and he was idly drinking it. His gaze was far away. Minutes passed in companionable silence. _Why doesn't this feel uncomfortable? Why does it feel so...natural?,_ wondered Alec. Social interactions had never been his strongest skill. Give him a couple of Clave members, and he could charm speak them into anything. Giving him someone who he's never met before, and asking him to start small talk was a different story. Hell, it was an entirely different genre in his opinion. 

"Drink break?"

Alec looked up at that. Magnus had abandoned his city gazing, and had instead turned to look at him. The martini that had been full minutes ago was at its dregs, and the other hand was out in a flourish. His face was quirked into a smirk, and one of his eyebrows was raised. 

"Drink break?" Alec said, confused. _I couldn't be worse at this,_ groaned Alec. Internally, of course. 

"You know that thing that some people get. It's usually alcoholic, and most do it to relax." Magnus looked to be barely suppressing a laugh at Alec's obliviousness. _He was just too innocent,_ crooned Magnus. 

"Yeah I know what a drink break is, Magnus. You just caught me by surprise." Alec felt that he had to defend himself in this. _He wasn't all that innocent._

"Of course, of course, my apologies. How rude of me." If Alec hadn't been looking at him, he would've thought he had offended the man. In all actuality, Magnus' eyes were alight with mischief, and his voice held no real heat. "The offer still stands, Alexander. Drink break?" Magnus snapped another martini in his flourished hand. Without breaking eye contact, Magnus held the drink in front of Alec. He accepted it without a moment of hesitation. Alec grimaced as the sharp burn of alcohol met his throat. He felt his face scrunch and everything. _Why do people drink?_ , questioned Alec. He had never been one to indulge. He found liquor to be too intense, too strong for his taste. Meanwhile, Magnus looked at Alec with faintly disguised amusement. Once again, silence reigned in the space.

"Why did you need me?" Alec questioned out loud. It had been hiding out in the back of his mind. This quiet moment only served to draw it out into the open.

"Blondie didn't tell you?" Magnus had a look of faux innocence, "Well, it was a lie anyway." He turned away after that, and fiddled with his ear cuff nervously. _Either tell him or don't. There's no going back once you do._

"Are you always this cryptic?" Alec couldn't help but ask. Magnus just sent him so many mixed signals, half of them he didn't even know where to start in deciphering them. The rest were just...unexpected for him.

"I'm not being cryptic. I'm being coy." Magnus said plainly as if it were the simplest thing in the world. He turned back around, and found Alec fidgeting with the lip of his martini glass. The alcohol hadn't been touched. _Fine, I'll take mercy on you poor, naive shadowhunter,_ thought Magnus. 

"Let me spell it out for you. I wanted to see you again, Alexander." Magnus all but purred out his name. 

"Why?" It was such a foreign concept to him. Someone wanted to see him? What for? Did he do something wrong? Did Magnus need something from him?

"Why'd you come?" Magnus fired back. How could Alexander, this tall, dark, and handsome man, not know why Magnus wanted to see him?

"I...don't know," Alec answered honestly. It was almost as if something had called him to be here, a pull to Magnus' loft. His instincts were usually right with these kind of things, so following them had become second nature.

After that, Magnus shut his eyes. This was it. "For more than a century, I've closed myself off from feeling anything for anyone, man or woman. I don't know how or why, but you, Alexander, have unlocked something in me." His eyes misted over in his vulnerable state, and he blinked rapidly to dispel the trapped tears. Alec gaped at that confession. What did he do? What did he say? 

"I-I uhhh....uh well...." His phone rang out into the space. Alec huffed out in annoyance while Magnus looked away to collect himself. It was his mother. Just thinking of her made his heart still in fear. With hands that were trembling softly, Alec answered the phone. His responses were stunted and emotionless, yet his other hand lay clenched by his side; the martini sat long forgotten on the table. _By the Angel, mother is terrible. She treats me like shit, and still manages to keep me at her beck and call._ The how to it all was something that Alec could never answer but always hoped to find one day. With a shaky finger, Alec aggressively ended the call. All she had done was insult him with thinly veiled words.

The room's air sharpened to a point. Every breath was like hundreds of needles to his lungs, each stabbing and maiming the soft tissue. The walls crawled, and Alec was seeing red. He could feel _it_ simmering just beneath his skin, and By the Angel, he longed to let it out, to be done with it all. 

"Was that your mother?" Magnus' voice barely came out as a whisper. He was looking up at Alec with a strange look, but his eyes only held concern. Suddenly, Alec snapped out of his trance. The walls stopped moving, and he could finally take a deep breath. 

Alec nodded, "Look Magnus, I don't...I just don't know what...I wish-" Abruptly, Magnus silenced him, his ramblings stopped once again by his finger. 

"Alexander, I understand. But how about another drink?" Alec grimaced at that. Seeing this Magnus quickly followed up with, "Just one. Nothing else. We can just talk, and then you can see how you feel." Once again, Magnus snapped, and a drink appeared in his hand. This time, it was a bright yellow, and smelled faintly of pineapples. 

Alec took one long look at the drink and said, "Absolutely."

Back at the Institute, Izzy was sitting in her room. She was cleaning up for the night since she had an early morning patrol scheduled for tomorrow. While brushing her hair, she kept going through her and Alec's conversation in her mind. Why did he look so panicked? The window cracking had something to do with it, she just knew it. Was it her? Was it the subject? Her mind was spinning with the questions. Really, his behavior has been all over the place recently. One moment he's smiling and laughing, the next he's sinking into his chair with clenched fists. Honestly, since that memory demon he's-

The memory demon! 

That memory that was about to be shown was important somehow. Putting down her brush, Izzy took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She sifted through her memories until she came upon the offensive material. The memory always gave her vague feelings and flashes. Being eight at the time would do that. _Huh, that's strange. How come I can remember most of my eight year old memories, yet this one is hazy?_ With that thought, a feeling of panic settled in her. Why couldn't she remember? What was blocking it? Was it even being blocked in the first place? Or was it just something that happened? Was it just so unremarkable that her mind didn't keep it? These questions made it hard to concentrate, but Izzy took another moment to collect herself. 

**I saw Alec. His freshly done voyance rune was standing out against his pale skin. I remember being so jealous of him. He had a rune, and got to go out on missions just like a real shadowhunter. The glory and honor he would get was mesmerizing to me.** The thought made her chuckle. _Focus!_ **They were in the garden. It was alive. Plants hung from the ceiling and climbed up the walls. Everywhere I looked, there was the color green. The shades all varied, but the effect was remarkable. He and I were laughing at some childish joke, but the exit caught my eye. I always wondered about what was beyond that door, beyond those wards. Alec made some comments, but I just snarked back to him. He didn't know anything.**

**I continued my strides till I could reach the door's handle. I pulled it open with a flourish. The alleyway was dark and damp. It smelled like wet garbage, but in my eyes, it was glorious. This was another adventure, another story ready to be told. The thought excited me. Then, a growl emanated from the darkness. I remember being squeezed, being crushed from a vice like grip, and hearing Alec cry out in distress. Or maybe that had been me. I couldn't tell.**

Everything went black after that. Izzy sighed in frustration. She almost yelled at the feeling. It didn't feel like a block was on her mind. Not that she would know what that felt like, but from the texts concerning memory blocks, she could say that the feeling she was experiencing wasn't a memory block. It didn't feel like a wall was in her mind. It also didn't feel like a large chunk of memory was just vacant. Yes, she could remember many things from when she was eight, but she also couldn't remember much either. Her memory didn't feel cut up or replaced. It just felt like feelings, impressions. Almost as if her mind was trying to shield her from something that was just too much. She tried one last time. Messing with memories like this never turned out good for the person, but this memory was important, she could just tell. 

**It was cold. The walls were moving, and Alec was just standing there. He looked proud of something. I couldn't tell because the cold had crept and taken a hold of me. I couldn't move. Suddenly, I heard Alec shout. Next, I felt his tears. He was kneeling over me. When did he get there? I remember wondering why. My mouth was making noise. I didn't know why. My vision tunneled, but the last thing I saw was a shock of blue against the darkness. Finally, darkness consumed my thoughts, and I went limp.**

She darted up with a heaving chest. Somewhere in the middle of that, her body had collapsed against her bed. Blankets were strewn across her body as if her subconscious was trying to shield her from the memory. Izzy didn't remember ever feeling that. It wasn't like she thought about that day often, but sometimes when her mind traveled through her memories, this one would pop up. The garden was always the same, and Alec was always there making jokes with her. Exiting was a constant, but that frigid air was new. That and the demon. 

_What the hell was that?_

"No, don't do that...please." whimpered Alec.

His eyes were firmly shut, and he was restlessly twitching on the couch. He saw Jace and Izzy entering an abandoned warehouse with him, each with their own cocky grin on their faces. He was walking behind them, scanning the surroundings as his siblings joked about everything and nothing. The chatter was just to fill the space, but Alec couldn't find it in himself to be annoyed that neither of them were watching for stray demons. Next thing he knew was that he was above them. They were in the warehouse now. It was large, and a thick layer of dust had settled over everything. Cobwebs were thick enough to see from a distance. Spinning wildly, Alec cocked another arrow into his bow. He was standing on a perch at a distance. Both Jace and Izzy were facing a demon head on. Suddenly, a massive behemoth demon swept out of the shadows. Alec couldn't get an arrow fast enough. It took a colossal claw, and knocked both of his siblings clear across the space. They landed with a deafening thud. Alec screamed out in anguish, and felt something take hold. It exploded out of him. In a flash, a bright light invaded the space. Confused, Alec looked at the light till it blinded him. _Was it a skylight? Or a hole in the ceiling? Did I cause it?_ His mind was in a sluggish daze. Closing his eyes, Alec awoke with a start. 

Magnus was sitting across from him with a concerned expression spread across his face. "Bad dream?" His voice was tentative, but full of sincerity. 

Blinking away the last visages of sleep, Alec raised his hand to shield his eyes from the bright light. The bright light from the dream was really an opened window. Slowly, he became aware that he was in yesterday's clothes as well as the fact that his tongue tasted like shit. _Damn those drinks!_ , thought Alec. The large grimace that was currently on his face told all. "You could say that." 

A peaceful silence swept into the space. Both were happy to just remain there. Alec was still trying to get his entire mind back online. Where am I? _Magnus' loft,_ came an answer. What happened? _I fell asleep_ , his mind answered. Alec's eyes widened at that. "Wait....what happened last night?" Fear crept into his voice as he looked at Magnus.

"Nothing, darling. We fell asleep." He was moving to sit beside Alec, but as he sat down Alec shot up onto his feet. This sent black spots swarming his vision, but Alec refused to sit down again. "...On separate couches, never fear." 

Alec scrambled about after a moment. Where was his stele? His phone? By the Angel, what time was it? _It had to be at least 9 in the morning, way past the time he was supposed to be back at the Institute._ He checked his pockets with flailing hands. Once everything was accounted for, Alec turned back to Magnus who had decided to stand after all. He was nervously pulling on his leather jacket. Somehow he hadn't fallen asleep with it on. 

"Magnus-"

"Alex-"

They both started at the same time. Magnus took the resulting pause to continue. 

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. It was just sleep."

"Yeah I know...." Alec trailed off at that. Why did he believe him? Maryse had always drilled into him that warlocks were tricky, that they liked to play with others. Instead of mulling over what this could mean, Alec said bluntly, "I trust you. I don't know why...I just do." 

Magnus looked surprised by that declaration. "And I trust you. It's strange, after four hundred years, you would think that I would gain a little skepticism." _Not that I want to,_ mused Magnus, _especially if this shadowhunter proved my feelings true._

At that, Alec stared at Magnus in shock. He quickly wiped that from his face, and instead replaced it with a neutral emotion. Or at least he tried. Magnus' face said otherwise. Taking a sharp breath, Alec turned to leave. These confessions would only make his life more difficult. _Better run now since I can._

Magnus watched Alec turn to leave. He wasn't sure if he would see the nephilim again, but he hoped he would. Everything that he had said last night was true. These new feelings that had invaded his mind were all because of Alexander. 

Alec abruptly stopped. "You can't tell anyone about this. It wouldn't turn out good for either of us." Again, the truth was easier to say than to think of an elaborate lie on the spot. 

"Oh don't worry Alexander, I have a reputation to uphold as well. If anyone found out that I had let a shadowhunter sleep over, even platonically, they would make me the laughing stock of the Shadowworld."

The tension that Alec had been carrying eased somewhat. _He wouldn't tell anyone,_ thought Alec. Instinct told him that Magnus meant every word. "Thank you."

The familiarity of the situation struck Magnus. Here Alec was, about to leave his loft again in a hurry to disappear. But what really struck him were those last two words. They were so simple, yet Magnus hadn't heard them from someone like Alec in a long time. _Alexander_ , thought Magnus, _who are you?_ That in turn, stirred something else awake in Magnus. _Lilith, I'm so far gone already._ The feelings weren't just confined to lust now.

Alec took one last look at Magnus, one last moment together in that silent bubble of peace. He took it in before he had to go deal with the Institute and all its numerous problems. Taking one last deep breath out of the tranquil loft, Alec turned to leave. As he was walking down the stairs and onto the street, Alec was startled by one thought that he never thought he'd have.

 _Magnus_ , _who are you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope that the read was good. How was the dialogue. I almost hate writing dialogue, but with these two characters it's even harder. Their intonations and word choice is already hard, mixing in other stuff is just plain cruel. Anyways, I just wanted to thank everyone for their lovely comments. Until now, I didn't really get how comments could fuel a creator. After starting this fic, I now see how the audience's participation helps in the writing process. That being said, any and all comments are welcome. These fuel me to keep going! When I'm stuck on a plot point, seeing those comments allows me to finally make the last connection for the chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm here with another update, and It's a big one! This scene is what spurred me on to write this fanfic after all, so I hope that you enjoy it.

_So this is what the walk of shame feels like, huh?_

He had of course heard of the infamous walk-who hadn't?- but he had never thought he'd be one to experience it. Who he was, and who he wanted just didn't work out. _Me and one night stands? Yeah, never gonna happen,_ thought Alec. Unlike his siblings, he wanted something more than just sex. He could see why they did it, but it just wasn't for him. Whoever he had sex with was going to mean something to him, something important. They weren't just going to be a fling. 

Another cat call brought him out of his thoughts. The walk back from his impromptu sleepover with Magnus has been filled with cat calls, dog whistles, and everything in between. Scowling at the noise, Alec thought, _Okay_ , _this officially sucks_. If walking back had felt bad, then actually walking into the place was terrible. Izzy immediately greeted him with a sly smirk, and a poorly disguised innuendo. He only made it worse when he admitted to the cocktails. _Nothing could make this worse,_ thought Alec. Just staring at Izzy's gloating smile was driving him insane. 

"Oh yeah, Mom and Dad are coming in today. I don't really know what for, but it has to be serious if the Clave is sending them back early." Izzy was looking down while she said this, her attention completely captured by the ipad in hand. Alec's look of complete misery went unnoticed. _I just had to think that, didn't I?_

"Okay." His voice was completely dead. 

At that, Izzy looked up, "What's wrong? Are you not telling me something? Did something actually happen at Magnus' loft? If so-"

Alec cut her off before she could continue her tirade. He loved her, but once she got going, it was impossible to stop her. "No, nothing happened. Just...Mom and Dad being back is going to...complicate things." Alec didn't elaborate off of that. His mouth shut, and his eyes were looking everywhere but Izzy. 

"Alright...well I'm here. Just remember that."

He nodded in response, and stalked off to his room in silence. 

She watched him disappear down the corridor, and thought, _Why would our parents complicate things?_

Back in his room, Alec gave himself a moment. A moment to just be. They were rare, but with everything that was happening, he felt that he deserved this at least. Memories played out behind his eyes. More bad than good came to mind. _They always made the bad ones surface more easily_. Lying back onto his bed, Alec once again allowed himself to be swept away by the sea of memories.

He remembers the event like it was yesterday. In reality, it was almost a decade ago, but that didn't make the emotions any less painful. He had just killed his first demon out behind the green house, and Izzy had managed to pick herself up and leave. She went off somewhere. He didn't remember because he had been too focused on not letting Izzy see his eyes. They were still a brilliant blue instead of his smooth hazels, and he hadn't wanted to scare off his sister. Instead, Alec had his head tucked in between his knees, trying- and failing- to will the world away.

The only warning he got was the _click, click_ of heels on tile. 

"Alexander! What is the meaning of this? You should be training, not sleeping out in the greenhouse!" Her words came out sharp. They bit into his body, and latched onto his mind. Already, he could imagine the disapproval on her face. 

"I'm sorry, Mother. It's just...something happened. I don't know what, and I can't explain it!" The end came out panicked, and his voice was frantic. He raised his head slightly, but still didn't meet his mother's eyes.

"Alexander, calm down! Shadowhunters do not panic, you know this. Collect yourself this very instant!" He could already feel her furious glare. "You will explain everything to me, NOW!"

"It was- I don't...There was a demon, and I....killed it?" Alec sneaked a look up. She arched an eyebrow, and Alec quickly ducked his head again. He paused at the last detail however. Hesitantly, Alec whispered, "My eyes...they changed."

"What was that? I couldn't hear you. You need to speak up, Alexander. Shadowhunters, especially leaders, don't mumble." 

Instead of trying to say anything, Alec just raised his head. How he had been able to hide them, he didn't know, but he thanked every angel above that his mother hadn't demanded him to raise his head for longer than a second. Piercing blues met his mother's eyes instead of smooth hazels, and Maryse gasped. They were completely alien to her. Not only that, but they _glowed_. Power swirled behind them, and Marsye gave an involuntary shiver. She felt like her soul was bared for those eyes. It was as if they were dissecting her, taking her apart piece by piece. Who had done this? Was her son cursed by some vile warlock? 

The chilling fear was replaced with vicious anger. "Alexander, you will explain those _things_ this instant!" The command was cold even to his ears. 

"I don't- they just appeared! It happened after I vaporized the demon." Alec took a breath, "Mom...what's happening to me?" Alec was looking up at Maryse with child-like hope. The plea fell on deaf ears. 

"You will hide them! Do you hear me? No one is to see those hideous things. You're a shadowhunter, not a downworlder." Her voice was shaking by the end, and her eyes wavered between anger and fear. Not bothering to wait for a response, she turned away from her distraught son. Meanwhile, Alec stayed there as a numbing sensation spread throughout his body.

_Monster._

_Freak._

_Hideous._

The words ricocheted inside his skull, and Alec sat there in perfect silence, completely alone. 

"Yes, mother." The whisper was devoid of feeling. That was the first day Alec learned to shut off his emotions. 

He managed to hide for five hours.

Alec knew that it was inevitable, that she would find him again. He also knew that once she found him, he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. As acting head, he had responsibilities. Responsibilities that he had been neglecting as of recently. Really, walking into his office was probably not the best decision. With Maryse back in town, she would reclaim the space. After all, he was only _acting_ head. A place holder really if he was being honest with himself. Bitterness filled his mind, and Alec worked hard to remain emotionless. Walking in, he saw her sitting at _his_ desk reviewing reports and files that he had been meaning to complete. _Scratch bitterness, it's too weak of a feeling to describe me right now,_ thought Alec. Alec looked up finally to meet his mother's face. The tight set of her lips, and her clenched jaw gave her away before any words could. 

"What is the meaning of this, Alexander?" Alec gave an involuntary flinch at those words. Her voice was deathly quiet but steeped in anger. She had yet to look up, so Alec plunged forward in what would undoubtedly be a harsh conversation.

With more confidence than he felt, Alec said, "Reports and files, mother." Before Maryse could interrupt him, Alec continued, "Missions have kept me busy for the last few hours. I was saving those for later."

Maryse's head jerked up at that. "Alexander, you are the future head of this Institute! You do not 'leave things for later'. A leader is meant to be someone others look up to, respect and depend on. A leader is not someone who procrastinates." Then under her breath, she says, "I'm surprised this Institute is still running. With all these unfinished reports and unsanctioned missions, someone ought to think that there is no leader at all." Again, Alec flinched at those words. His mother always knew how to cut him down. What made it worse was her eyes. They told him that she meant every word. 

"I'm sorry, mother. It won't happen again." He made sure that his voice didn't waver in the slightest. _It seems like every second word from me is an apology these days._

"Good. Make me proud. You're a Lightwood, now act like it," Maryse commanded. There was no question in her voice. It was either he did what she asked, or get out of her way. A tense hush fell over the office. Maryse was the first to speak. 

"Now, moving on from that, has there been any...incidents?" 

"No, mother." His jaw clenched at that. Frustration welled up inside him.The disbelief in her voice was beginning to grind on his nerves, and It was just insulting now. _If I knew anything, it was to keep everything in check_. 

"There's some promising news. Is it going away?" Her eyes held hope while her face relaxed slightly. Maybe, just maybe, her first born wouldn't turn out to be a disappointment. 

"No, mother." She asked this of him every time. Every time he replied with a negative.

Immediately, she straightened her back, and her face hardened. It was as if his honest emission had offended her. Maryse set her mouth into a grim line, "Well that's less promising. Just keep in under wraps. You could tarnish our name with something like that." Alec didn't flinch at that. He was used to it. Briefly, silence reigned throughout the room. Soon, the sound of rustling papers filled the office space as Maryse went back to her duties. A pen's click reverberated through the space. A book was opened with a loud creak. Alec knew better than to leave. The atmosphere was stifling, but still he stood there in his soldier's stance. The tension was thick enough to cut, and Alec found that he almost couldn't breath through the dense fog. Closing his eyes, Alec focused into himself. Now was not the time for a slip in control. 

"You are dismissed."

Alec's head snapped up at that. He hadn't expected that this soon. His focus was interrupted briefly, and a burst of cold air flew through the office. Papers scattered everywhere. Pens and pencils were swiped clear of the desk. Books fell off of the shelves. Alec curled into himself, abandoning his soldier's stance. Maryse regarded Alec with cold detachment. 

"That is what you call control?"

"Wait, mother-"

"No! That is pitiful. That is your control?! By this rate, you'll surely make the Lightwood name a disgrace! Nevermind the countless other things that could happen." Maryse was seething. She rose to her full height, and turned her eyes to her eldest son. His shoulders were hunched over, and he was fidgeting with his hands. _Pathetic_. "You know that you could kill someone, a fellow shadowhunter at that. It's not like you haven't come close before, right? With control like this, I'm surprised there's half the amount of shadowhunters in this institute." This time, she saw his physical flinch. It was violent and shook his entire body. 

Alec knew that he looked like a wreck. He could feel his mother's eyes on him, but that didn't lessen the shaking in his limbs. "I know, mother." This wasn't his voice. His voice was filled with authority, with confidence. At best, this was a cheap imitation . It came out barely above a whisper, and was threaded with self-loathing. 

"Get out of my sight. Better yet, go learn some control too while you're at it," She said with a sneer. 

Alec left without another word. 

He found refuge in the training room. Every fatal flaw, every mistake was pounded into submission against the punching bag. Faces flashed across the surface, some appearing more than once. The repeating offenders were always hit harder. In what felt like eternity, Alec managed to bring his thoughts into order. With everything happening, his world was blurring past him. The control that he so desperately hoped for, craved for in fact, was even further from his grasp. It was tantalizing. With a huff, Alec gave one last swing to the bag. It hit the back wall from the force of the blow. Alec looked down to see bloody knuckles. He had long ago given up taping in favor of the nullifying pain. He hadn't quite given up iratzes though. They were just another part of the process, the process of steadying himself. Applying the rune quickly, Alec felt that burst of energy course through his veins. It was nothing like the surge of raw energy that a stamina rune offered, nor was it like the fulfilling rush of a nourishment rune. The burst was small, but a godsend nonetheless.

Just as he was coming down from his iratze, Jace ran into the room. He was frantic. Something happened. _If it's Clary, I'm not touching it,_ he resolved.

"Dude, we've got at least three raum demon nests. Maybe a fourth. I don't know, the intel that we got was just that there's a lot of demons a couple of miles from here. Get your bow, we've got to go!" Jace rushed out after that, fully expecting Alec to drop everything and run after him. Alec sighed. Some day, he wouldn't be at the beck and call of his parabatai. _That's a nice hope._ He got his gear, which was on a nearby bench, and ran full speed after Jace. He spotted Izzy and Jace gearing up by the door. 

"Who else is going with us?" Even with the two greatest shadowhunters of their generation, three shadowhunters against thirty to forty raums was pushing it. 

"Just us," she said confidently. "Do you see anyone else to come with?" Izzy asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Taking a look around the room, Alec became aware that he, Izzy and Jace were the only ones in the ops center. The room was filled with a buzzing white noise, something that almost unsettled him. That and the plummeting sensation in his stomach. Something bad was going to happen, he just knew it. 

"I see your point, but this doesn't matter. Three shadowhunters against three maybe four demon nests isn't really feasible. Even if they're lesser demons, that's a lot of claws, fangs, and bodies." These demons had to be dealt with, but something told him going in with only these two was spelling disaster. 

"I know, hermano. But, these demons need to die. They're _this_ close to the city. _This_ close," she gestured. "What if one goes out, and decides to feast on a mundane just because we gave it the time? Or better yet, it decides to rape a poor mundane woman? We simply cannot leave these demons alone. We know about them, so now we have a job to complete." She spoke with confidence, and Jace looked about two seconds from jumping in with his own points too. 

After a lengthy internal debate, Alec conceded. "Fine. We go, but if it becomes too much, you listen to me and get out. There is no shame in retreating when we're this severely outmatched." He fixed them with his signature glare. A true battle of wills ensued, but Izzy was the one to look away first.

"Deal." He could hear her smirk as she turned away into the night. 

Alec stood on his perch, shooting arrow after arrow. The demons had decided to set up in an old, abandoned warehouse. Alec could see the appeal. It was a huge space, and a thick layer of dust had settled over everything. It had clearly been abandoned for many years. Perfect to breed and multiply in. _That is, if I were a demon_. The screeches of the dying beasts echoed throughout the chamber, and Alec was struck with a familiar feeling of deja vu. His stomach plummeted, and dread settled into him. Alec's moves became frantic. _We need to get out of here,_ thought Alec, _Now_. Before he could act, a scream that didn't belong to a raum demon sounded off in the distance. It was a behemoth demon's cry. 

"What the hell! This was just supposed to be raum demons! Where'd that behemoth come from?" Jace shouted. Izzy looked equally confused. 

Alec jumped down from his ledge to join his siblings. His bow had run out of arrows, and he would not allow anything to happen to them. 

Joining into the battle was hard. One moment he would slice a raum demon in half, inchor spraying across his body. Another, he would be splitting a raum demon's head in half, the demon disintegrating into a pile of inchor and bone. Eventually, he and his siblings got separated. It wasn't surprising. The battle was thick enough to clog his every sense. What was surprising was how accurate his dream had been. He could still remember vague flashes, but since he hadn't drawn it out, the details were fuzzy. Panic swept through him. What was he supposed to do? What happened next? He couldn't remember. There were too many, and they didn't have any back up. Should they retreat? Stay? Regroup? Thoughts swarmed his mind, all the while his body was moving on autopilot, dealing with the grotesque demons one after another. His entire body was drenched by this point, yet when one fell, another would just rush up to take its place. Everything was too much. The sound of his sword slicing through warm flesh. The grunts and cries of the falling demons. Jace and Izzy's shouts. The dream that played behind his eyes. The thoughts, feelings, sensations enveloped him, and Alec felt his control slip. It arose in him, and crested like a tsunami. 

It was unstoppable. 

"Jace." Alec gritted out. His body was rigid with tension. The sword that had been swinging, fighting, slicing earlier had come to a standstill. It was taking all of Alec's self-control to hold everything back, to not allow it to consume him like it had so long ago. 

"What?" Jace didn't look over at Alec, his focus still on his ongoing battle. Throughout the battle, he had made his way back to his side. 

"Jace!" This time it was a yell. 

Jace whipped his head around. His parabatai never yelled at him, not like that at least. Alec had stopped fighting. Jace nearly yelled at his brother for that. Could he not see the hordes of demons that were just waiting to rip them to shreds? Seconds later, the reality left him even more surprised. The demons weren't attacking him. It was as if they didn't dare to get close to him, as if just being in his presence would harm them. 

Before he could work out what that meant, Alec managed to say,"I need you to activate a speed rune. Maybe two. Grab Izzy and run. Get as far away from here as possible. Don't come back unless you feel something through the bond, got it?" His eyes were dead serious. Jace could also see something else in them. It was almost as if they were-

"JACE, you need to move, now!" 

Jace was speechless. Alec, the one who always gave comfort in the form of a shoulder and kind words. Alec, the one who always wore his heart on his sleeve. Alec, who's hazel eyes he could always find love and hope in. Jace didn't see those same eyes staring back at him. Instead, he found cold blue eyes that pierced his very soul. He felt like they were digging under his skin, borrowing deep enough to actually _see_ him. Not the cocky front that he used to keep people at a distance. No, these eyes saw the broken boy underneath it all. 

Jace flinch and said, "Alec, your eyes, they-"

Hurt flashed across Alec's face. It was gone within a second, but for that second, Jace saw Alec look devastated. Alec shut his eyes, and turned his head away. _Of course, they had to come out, didn't they?_ thought Alec. "You heard me, you need to leave, now." His voice sounded broken. 

"...Okay." Alec's voice had never sounded so distressed before. Jace couldn't help but wonder where his Alec had gone. The Alec that he knew was stoic, stubborn, and imposing. Not this. This Alec had hunched shoulders, and his voice was pleading. His Alec never did that. Nodding his head, Jace quickly activated two speed runes and ran off towards Izzy. He scooped her up, and ran out of the old warehouse, protests and all. 

Alec watched his parabatai take off with his sister. He almost felt calm about the entire thing. No demon had approached him. Maybe, they weren't brave enough. Maybe, they had too much self-preservation. He thought the latter was more true. He knew that eventually, one of them would wise up, that one of them would attack. He was on borrowed time as it was. Seconds passed, but Alec knew that Jace was already far beyond the warehouses in the area. Closing his eyes, Alec felt it. It was always at the back of his mind, never quite leaving him. Sometimes, it was subdued. Others, it was at the forefront of his mind trying to break free. His control had been pushed too much, stretched too thin. He turned towards the gathering horde of demons. The demons were clambering over each other, each trying to catch a glimpse of the strange man. They flinched when his harsh eyes landed on them.

For a moment, the world felt as if it were holding its breath. The air was silent. No one made a sound. Even the demons had settled. The only sound audible was the labored breathing coming from Alec. He took a deep breath. When he opened his luminous eyes, he smiled a small, sad smile. 

And like an exhale, Alec finally let go. 

Everything rushed out of him. The fear, pain, regret, hurt. Everything. He tried to keep love, to protect it, but that followed too. A ripple of energy expelled itself from his body. The moment it came into contact with a demon, they shattered into a pile of ash. The ground beneath his feet was covered in frost, and ice grew around every crevice and every crack in the wall. A wave of arctic air invaded the space. It rushed in, and consumed the warehouse's warmth for itself. The screeches and cries of the demons was like a symphony to it, spurring it on to feed, to devour. It billowed out with a single purpose: to consume. A shock wave blew through the space knocking everything over. The walls cracked, and the ceiling caved. Sky lights opened up above him. Nothing hit the ground. The debris was destroyed before it could make contact. 

Nothing was untouched.

Everything was destroyed. 

All the while, Alec stood there in euphoric bliss. The constant denial of this made the release so much bigger, better. The sensations were finally able to sweep through him, and Alec couldn't care enough to stop it. A small smile graced his lips, and this time it was out of sheer happiness. With a steady breath, Alec's knees caved, and he bowed his head. 

At last, he fought no more. 

Running with an extra person was tough. That was what Jace found out. The extra speed rune was definitely warranted. He ran as far as he could, as quickly as he could. Alec...he had scared him. He knew that he had been acting off for a bit now, but that didn't leave Jace any less confused. Jace had figured it was because of Alec's crush on Magnus. Maybe the hormones had messed with him? _Just thinking that, it already sounds lame_ , thought Jace. His breaths were coming in puffs, but Jace refused to stop. His parabatai had been adamant that he get as far as possible. Old warehouses passed him in a blur, and the gravel slowly turned into cracked cement. That would have been fine if Izzy hadn't been fighting against his hold. The uneven ground combined with flailing arms ended up with him and Izzy sprawled out against the concrete, both rubbing various areas of their bodies soothingly. 

"What the hell was that!" Izzy shouted. Her fury would have put Maryse's to shame.

"What do you mean?" _Play dumb,_ thought Jace, _then maybe she won't be as frightening._

"Nice try, but you won't get out of this one. God Jace, why in Raziel's name did you manhandle me out to the middle of nowhere?" She asked wildly. Her hands were swinging around her head, and she was spinning in a circle, pointing at the many warehouses that dotted the road. 

"Alec said we had to leave...so I activated two speed runes, and I left...with you." Jace actively avoided Izzy's eyes throughout his explanation. 

She pinched her brow, and said in a strained voice,"Maybe try explaining that without the breaks...now why would Alec need us to leave. He must have seen all of those demons from his perch. Even if he-"

Izzy was cut off as a shock wave rammed into them. It knocked Izzy over, and flattened Jace out onto his back. It had come from the warehouse. It passed quickly, but not before it knocked both his and Izzy's breath from their chests. Struggling to take a deep breath, Izzy shot Jace a distressed look. _Thank God,_ thought Jace, _at least she can't rush over there now._ Izzy was trying to pick herself up, but without air, her limbs were trembling and uncoordinated. 

"W-we need to go...to go help him."

"W-we can't. He said t-that I needed to what-t for something before we approached." By the end, Jace had recovered enough to speak without a stutter. Izzy looked to be in a similar condition. Even with air back in his lungs, Jace still felt like death warmed over. He felt drained, like his energy had been taken.

Just then, a wave of peace washed over him. He startled at it. The feeling was so foreign. Especially, since it was coming from Alec and not himself. 

"I think we can go back now." Izzy gave him an arched eyebrow in response. "Well, a feeling of peace just passed through the bond. Alec didn't say what I had to wait for, but I'm guessing that it was that."

Izzy didn't even wait for him to finish. She was already gone by the time he had finished talking. With a huff, Jace once again activated a speed rune, and set off after his sister. 

Nothing could have prepared them for the scene that they walked back into. Before, the warehouse had already looked beat up. Now, it looked utterly demolished. What had remained of the windows, was now shattered. The entire ground was covered in a strange frost/ash mixture, and cracks had crawled up the walls to the ceiling. Speaking of the ceiling, there were now large chunks missing. Izzy couldn't see the debris, but something told her that she wouldn't find it either. She and Jace crept into the space, wary of any demons that might have remained from whatever had taken place. _Whatever it was, it was big_ , mused Izzy. Walking deeper into the space, they stumbled at the sight before them. 

Alec looked ethereal.

He was kneeling, and his head was bowed to the floor. A sky light had opened above him, and the moon's light was shining down on him. The light hit him, accentuating his divine origins. His smooth, alabaster skin was a sharp contrast to his void black runes. Izzy wouldn't have been surprised to see wings protruding from his back. _He truly looked angelic._ Next, came the ground. Beneath him, a thick frost had formed in a perfect circle while demon ash encompassed it. The ash didn't breach the invisible line around him, but instead had piled up around it. The room sat in a hushed silence. Even the outside noises were muted. The air held a weight to it that left Izzy speechless. 

Jace took a step forward, but was stopped by Alec. His head had risen, and his sharp, blue eyes were drilling into them. "Stop. Don't enter the circle. It might not be safe enough for you yet. There might be...residue from _it_." 

They both eased back at that. A tense silence fell on them again. Jace was the first to break it while Izzy kept staring at her brother in surprise. 

"Alec...what did you do exactly?" It was little more than a whisper, but it was like he shouted the entire thing. 

"I don't have the energy to explain everything. All I know is that you cannot touch me or be near me right now. Neither can you Izzy." Alec paused for a brief moment. "I don't know how long I can stay awake. Once I pass out, I need you to promise me something. You cannot bring me back to the Institute. That would just spell disaster for too many people." 

"But-"

"No, listen to me," Alec commanded. He was using his leader's voice now. "If you take me back there, things will get messy, fast. I could still do unspeakable damage to everyone there, never mind how much trouble this would get you two in. Any...anywhere else but the Institute, ple...ase." Alec's eyelids drooped, and the next moment, he was out cold. Jace and Izzy exchanged worried looks. 

"Where the hell are we supposed to take him now?"

Several minutes had passed, but the silence had still prevailed. Jace had turned to pacing to ignore the feeling while Izzy just stared at Alec's collapsed form. It killed her to see him so small and not comfort him, but she remained outside the circle. It also left her speechless. What had he done? Why did he have blue eyes? Not just blue eyes, but _glowing_ blue eyes. 

'Well?" 

She took her glassy gaze, and turned it to Jace. "Magnus Bane"

"Izzy-"

"No, listen. He's the only one that we know that can transport Alec without touching or being near him. There's also the little thing with him having a crush on Alec. It's perfect."

Jace's internal debate didn't go unnoticed by Izzy, but she let him figure it out on his own. Eventually, he said, "Fine. But at the first sign of danger, we take Alec to the Institute. I don't care what he said, he needs help." 

What went unvoiced was the clear anger at Alec. Izzy couldn't help but agree. 

_What the hell has Alec been hiding from us?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how was it? I'm trying to get my writing to flow more. A flaw of mine is that my writing becomes disjointed easily due to my over detailed accounts of everything. So please, sound off in the comments! Any and all words are welcome, especially here.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the warehouse scene with some Malec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back. I'm sorry that this one was a bit late. I had trouble thinking of where to go with this fic. If you couldn't tell, last chapter was a big tipping point in the story. So for this chapter, I had trouble visualizing where I wanted to go with the remainder of the story. Too many ideas kept springing up, but I couldn't see where they'd lead. This led to some serious writers block. Alas, I'm here with another update, and I hope that you enjoy! This ones big, so I hope that you don't mind.  
> Also, happy Pride month! I'm not going to lie, I screamed "It's Pride Month Bitches!" in my car June 1st. It was a very happy moment for me.  
> Also for anyone participating in the riots, please be careful. Keep going towards your goals, but don't get hurt in the process. Please.

Calling up Magnus hadn't been difficult. 

He had answered on the third ring, and it took less than five words to get him outside the warehouse. They had chosen to call him outside the warehouse due to Alec's warning. They didn't want the warlock portaling inside the ring by accident after all. At first, Magnus was frantic. What had happened to Alexander? Was he alright? Then, that quickly morphed into confusion. A shock wave? Blue eyes? He couldn't understand any of it. Their explanations were lackluster to say the least. 

"Wait, wait, hold on, slow down. Can you repeat that again?" Magnus questioned. His face was one of exasperation. 

"Well you see, Alec was like 'run Jace' and I was like 'okay' then this huge shock wave crashed thru and-" Jace explained with a wave of his hands. 

"You know what, forget I asked." Magnus took a moment to pinch his brow, and continued with, "Fine, I'll take him to my loft. I promise not to touch him or get near him." Both Izzy and Jace let out sighs of relief. 

"Great!" Jace said with a smile. Izzy didn't appear to be as pleased. With skepticism dripping from her voice, she said, "What about us? We can come over too, right?" No matter how big a crush her big brother had on him, he was still a warlock. She knew that they could be tricky. Warlocks were much like seelies in that aspect. Both could trick even the brightest of minds with clever words and small distractions. Something like specifications had been known to get shadowhunters killed, and she wasn't about to risk it. 

"Yes, yes, both of you can come. Even blondie." Ignoring the indignant "Hey!", Magnus turned away with a flourish, and strode into the abandoned warehouse. Everywhere he looked, Magnus saw the nephilim's touch. He was never one to condone it, but he could say with absolute objectivity that this shadowhunter could destroy. That thought sent a shiver through his spine. _My, my little shadowhunter, you're just full of surprises, eh?_ , Magnus thought with a coy smile. When he actually walked into the big clearing however, was when he thought his heart had truly stopped for good. The sight confronting him was almost too much, yet Magnus couldn't find it in himself to turn away. There knelt Alexander in all of his glory. His head was bowed religiously, yet his most defining features seemed to be on full display. The plump, rosy lips looked fuller while the high cheekbones looked down right dangerous. Moonlight pooled into the space, and the shock of raven hair stood out in sharp contrast to the porcelain skin which seemed to shimmer with ethereal light. He looked heavenly, and Magnus couldn't help but drool just a little. _Darling, you will be the death of me,_ thought Magnus, his mouth agape. 

"Magnus!"

Magnus snapped out of reverie as Izzy appeared before him. Apparently, he had spaced out. 

"My brother isn't safe here if you haven't noticed! He needs to get moved, or are you going to continue to drool over him?" Izzy fixed him with a stare that had Magnus gulping. 

"Yes, sorry dear, but your brother is truly magnificent. Just look at how the light hits his face...he truly is a piece of art." Magnus ended that by biting his lower lip while his eyes stared hungrily at Alec's form. 

"Yeah, well less eye-fucking, more body-moving, yeah?" Jace said with a snort. How his brother could be oblivious when Magnus was like this, he'll never know. 

With a dramatic eye roll, Magnus finally snapped his fingers. In a shower of sparks, blue strings erupted from his fingertips. They crawled through the space, and wrapped around Alec with an almost reverential quality to them. Every so slowly, Alec was lifted into the air, and fed into an awaiting portal. Once through, Magnus gave the siblings a sharp nod. The nod was all it took for all three to disappear into the comfort of the loft, each as silent as the last.

Outside the warehouse, a figure stepped out from the shadows. He wore all black, and stood in a rigid posture. Heat was rolling off him in waves, but his face remained indifferent. The only tells were the hellfire in his eyes, and the white knuckled grip on the cell phone in his hand. The stranger was furious. 

"We've got a rat." The voice had a faint accent. 

"Really? How do you figure?",came the garbled response. 

"Three shadowhunters just took out one of our nests. This place had absolute warding and everything. Either they stumbled on it, highly unlikely, or someone told them about it."

"Hmmmm...well I'll have to see about our rat problem then. Anything else noteworthy?"

"Like I said, only three shadowhunters took out this nest. In fact, two seemed to run out at the last minute before a huge blast went off inside the warehouse."

"You're right, that does seem strange. Could you get a good look at them?"

"Negative."

A pause filled the air. Then, the figure let out an inhumane growl. His father had hung up on him. He cast his eyes back to the warehouse. A look around wouldn't hurt, right? With a quick jump, the figure approached the empty demon nest. _This space had had so much potential,_ resigned the stranger. He made his way towards the entrance, but was stopped short by a wave of cold. It seemed to rebuff his efforts to enter, so he just stood there looking up at the space. Anger flared up, and was quickly followed by confusion. 

_Who the hell were those shadowhunters?_

Back in the apartment, Izzy and Jace were stuck pacing the floor as Magnus looked Alec over with his magic. The warlock had stayed true to his word, and had not touched Alec. He hadn't gotten too close either. That of course led to the questions. Questions that neither of them could answer. They both looked dumbstruck as Magnus questioned them, so eventually, he gave up. 

Izzy finally sat down with a huff, and started to remember the last time they had been in this space. _Well, it's not like I've got anything else to do,_ thought Izzy. It had been with the memory demon. The event seemed like so long ago. In reality, it had been little more than a week and a half ago, but it felt like lifetimes already. Izzy squeezed her eyes shut when she remembered how Alec had reacted. In light of everything with the warehouse, Izzy could feel more pieces sliding into place. 

"Remember the memory demon? More importantly, the memory that it tried to take from Alec?" She took a pause to breath. "I think this is related to that." She finally glanced at Jace to find him staring at her intently. 

"Yeah, me too. Do you remember anything?"

"A little...in fact that coldness that the warehouse had been filled with...I remember that. I also remember feeling drained like how that shock wave drained us at the end." She fell silent after that. They sat there in their own thoughts until Magnus came bursting back into the room. Both startled at the abrupt noise, but both were quick to their feet to ask Magnus about their brother. 

Seeing this, Magnus quickly said, "He's fine. The best I can compare this to is magic deficiency. Other than that, he seems to be okay." Both siblings gaped at that. _Magic Deficiency?_

"Wait, magic deficiency? How's that possible? He's a shadowhunter! We don't have magic to spend!" Jace said. 

Magnus lifted an eyebrow, and said, "What do you call your runes then? You know what, never mind. That's why I said it's comparable to it, didn't I? Your brother isn't a secret warlock, don't worry." Magnus looked back into where Alec was sleeping. He was close enough to see him adorably scrunch his nose at something, and almost happily sighed at the image. Turning back around, Magnus said, "That being said, I don't know why your brother is in a comatose state. I also don't know why he was able to do all those things back at the warehouse. Something tells me that even _he_ doesn't know how he did all those things."

"But-"

"Wait-"

He fixed them with a stern glare. Despite not knowing much about Alexander, Magnus could already tell that his siblings would overwhelm the poor man once he awoke. Nobody deserved to be bombarded with questions. Especially when said person was recovering from something like this. He could already see where this was heading. Frustration and anger, but also despair for both parties involved.

"Both of you, shut up. Your brother just went through a hard ordeal." He held up a hand when Jace looked about ready to jump in with some shadowhunter ego nonsense. "I know that it doesn't seem hard to you, but your brother just expended a large amount of energy. What that energy is, well I can't tell you. I've never encountered something like this before. So, you must have patience with him. He likely doesn't know either, so both of you yelling questions at him, questions that he cannot answer, will not help him. Understand?" When both siblings nodded sheepishly, Magnus continued with, "I've seen enough magical outbursts to know one. He probably didn't mean to show you this, so you must go easy on him, okay?" Magnus ended up pinching his brow again in frustration. Seriously, shadowhunter knowledge of others was so limited, he doubted that they could tell a warlock apart from a seelie sometimes. With that Magnus turned to his drink cart, leaving the two siblings to stand there dumbstruck by the warlock's outburst. 

"Alright...well, what do we do now?" Jace said. He didn't know what to do with himself now. Izzy looked to be in a similar state because he found her nodding furiously to his question. 

Magnus looked back at them, and said, "Now? Now, we wait."

Opening his eyes, Alec became aware of the fact that he didn't know where he was.

It wasn't the Institute. That much he could tell. Soft, vibrant grass cushioned him where he sat, and bright, perfumed flowers surrounded him. Strangely, he felt at peace here. The Institute hadn't felt like that in years for him. _It probably never did._ As he looked around, Alec slowly began to move. It was a slow process. For some reason, the air felt thick here, so moving was weird. If the foreign setting wasn't strange enough, Alec realized that he didn't hear anything. The usually white noise that existed in New York was absent. There were no bugs chirping, no animals rustling, no people yelling. It was completely silent. See, he had a love-hate relationship with silence. Sometimes, his greatest thoughts came to him while in silence. Other times, it allowed his darkest, most dangerous thoughts to surface with little resistance. Shaking his head to clear those thoughts, Alec came to another realization. 

He was in a greenhouse. 

Not just any greenhouse. This one was filled with plants that he couldn't even name. Flowers dotted the windowsills. Vegetables and fruits sprouted from planter boxes, and small fruit trees were lined up against the walls. _Guess that explains the humidity, silence, and plants,_ thought Alec dryly. Why he was in a greenhouse, he didn't know. The only thing he knew was that at last, he could feel some semblance of control in this space. It felt amazing.

Getting past the initial euphoria, Alec started to think of what led him to being surrounded by plants of all things. The last thing he remembered was the warehouse. He could still remember the rush of power, the heady sensations of finally letting go. It had been exhilarating. Alec wandered around the greenhouse for some time before he realized that he was going in circles. There was no exit. 

"Hello!" Alec shouted. If he couldn't get out, then he would get someone to break in. 

"Hello." Alec startled at the voice. Immediately, he got into a defensive position. Raising his hands up, Alec looked at the stranger. The man was tall, nearly as tall as him. He had pitch black hair, and mismatched eyes. Both were familiar. One was a crystalline blue while the other was a rich hazel. The man wore simple clothes, but Alec could feel the power that he exuded. It made the man appear larger than he was. _Alright, maybe I won't attack him,_ thought Alec. 

"What are we doing here?" asked Alec bluntly. 

The stranger gave an amused smile at that, "What? You don't want to know my name?" The name of the stranger hadn't even occurred to him. Somehow, Alec felt like he knew the man already. At least, he knew him enough to not need a name. 

"Fine. What's your name?" snapped Alec. His patience was already thin enough. _By the Angel, I really don't need someone else's theatrics today._

"You wouldn't know me by my actual name, Alexander. Instead, you may call me Az."

"It's Alec." Alec said automatically. The only person he allowed to call him Alexander was Magnus. Why? He had no idea. _Yes you do,_ a little voice in the back of his head said, _You li-_

"My apologies, but I know you by many names. Alexander is just the easiest one to remember."

He did a double take at that. Many names? What the hell was this guy talking about? "Well, I've only had one name. It's Alec." He stared at the stranger before he continued. "Again, what are we doing here? Is this some kind of spell? Are you a warlock?" 

Az gave a short, mirthful laugh and turned towards him. His eyes were filled with soft adoration, and Alec was struck with a strange sensation of deja vu. Those eyes, he had seen them before. Not the stranger's, no, he had seen that expression before, that adoration and love. Once, Maryse and Robert had looked at him like that, like he was important and loved. 

Snapping out of his reverie, Alec noticed that Az was staring intently at him. It was almost like he could tell where his thoughts had turned. A sad smile made its way across his lips, and the stranger's eyes filled with compassion and empathy. Silence hung in the air before the Az spoke again. "I don't know."

Alec snapped his head up at that, "What do you mean 'I don't know'? 

"I mean exactly as I say. I don't know why we're here. It appears that we're in a greenhouse of sorts, but that's all I know." He spoke plainly, but the truth of those words was loud and clear to Alec. 

"Alright, well...." Unspoken words hung in the air. They sat heavily on Alec while the stranger took no notice of the tense atmosphere. In fact, the stranger appeared to be happily exploring his environment with a child-like glee. His hands were brushing against the plants gently. He was almost reverential when dealing with the plants as if he hadn't ever touched one before. 

The stranger spoke up after a while, "Although, I do know that you brought us here. That might be useful." Alec just gave Az a scowl at that. How could he, a shadowhunter, bring himself and another to a dream space? He needed magic for that. At least, he needed a different magic for that. "Impossible." 

"Ohhh, it's very possible. I think you severely underestimate what you can do. Especially after that little display of power that you did at the warehouse...well let's just say, it could be more than possible." Alec tensed at that, but Az continued on, "Yes, that outburst was what drew me to this space, this space that you created, mind you." Now Az had a smirk on his face as he watched Alec try to process this new piece of information. _I, Alec Lightwood, created a space like this? Yeah, I don't think so._

"Again, I say impossible. I don't know how you know about the warehouse, but I couldn't have made this." Alec waved his hands around in a flourish, but Az only looked at Alec with affection. 

"Fine, you're right....about the space. You're still the one that called me here, so in practice, you did make this space. I just added to it, you see?" The stranger was almost bouncing with a sort of glee. His smile was filled with mirth, and Alec couldn't figure out why. 

Alec gave another scowl at that. Why couldn't he have been a normal shadowhunter? One that didn't have nightmares about death? Or one that didn't run the danger of killing all of his companions in seconds if he wasn't careful? 

"Alright, then why did I 'call' you here?" Asked Alec with an eye roll. 

"Probably because you need me." Az answered immediately. 

Alec gaped at him. Why would he need this stranger? "Why? Why would I need you, a man that I don't know?"

The man turned to him, abandoning his exploration of the plants. When his eyes met Alec's, he couldn't help but flinch slightly. The man's eyes had flared up. They shone with power, and Alec was once again reminded of that carefully banked strength that he had felt during their introduction. "Think about it." 

That was the last thing Alec heard before it all faded away into nothing. 

With a gasp, Alec bolted upright. Looking around wildly, Alec found that he was in a far more comfortable bed than his own. That and the walls all told him that he was not at the Institute. _Guess they can follow orders, huh?_ With that realization, Alec quickly looked around to figure out where exactly he was. He wasn't in the warehouse anymore. The place was too orderly for that. It also wasn't destroyed either. Next, he spotted a glass of water. Alec looked around to find the person who had left it, but couldn't find anyone. Slowly, he brought the glass to his lips, and took measured sips.

He was glad to find that he didn't shatter the glass on contact. 

Still being lost in thought, Alec failed to hear the door creak open. The next thing he knew, Magnus Bane had walked in, and that had him sputtering out his water with wide eyes. 

Even embarrassed, Alec could still appreciate the golden skin that peaked out from his outfit, and the jewels that dotted the man's skin. The almond-shaped eyes looked at him brightly, and the full lips smiled at him. Alec felt his mouth go dry at the sight. 

"Well, hello sleeping beauty. How was your rest?" said Magnus with a wink. 

Blushing madly, Alec stuttered out, "Ah...uh y-yes, yes, it was great....um-" 

"Alexander." That promptly shut him up. Alec looked down at the glass in his lap, wishing that it would swallow him whole. _Of course I had to make a fool of himself in front of Magnus. Could anything go right for me?_ Meanwhile, Magnus looked completely unfazed by the reaction, and continued to smile at Alexander. _He really was adorable,_ thought Magnus. 

Eventually, his mind did calm down. With that moment of peace, Alec remembered all at once why he was on Magnus' bed. His eyes widened, and Alec shot his head up to look at Magnus. He was wearing an understanding smile, and his eyes were kind. 

"Magnus-"

"Alexander, it's okay. You don't need to tell me anything you don't want to." Alec let out a sigh of relief at that. How could this gorgeous man keep getting better?

With a blush, Alec said, "Thank you." With a pause, Alec remembered his siblings. Wincing, Alec questioned,"My siblings?"

"In the other room." Before Alec could start panicking, Magnus said, "And they will not bombard you with questions either. I've made sure of that." All at once, the tension in his shoulders melted away. He wasn't about to be interrogated. Closing his eyes in relief, Magnus gave him one last look before leaving the room. Despite his curiosity, he wouldn't pester the man with questions either. 

The click of the door brought Alec's eyes back open, and with a shudder, Alec came back to reality. Despite Magnus' intervention, his siblings wouldn't idly sit back and accept his excuses any longer. Sooner or later, they would demand answers. Answers that frankly, he didn't know in the first place. That thought alone almost made him crave the dreamscape he had just been in. At least, he didn't need to answer anyone. _Although, that cryptic dude was annoying as hell._

With a sigh, Alec straightened his shoulders. He relaxed his face back into his indifferent demeanor, and Alec prepared himself the best he could for the hell that was about to ensue. He threw the blanket back, and made his way over to the door. Looking at it, the door almost made him laugh. _This_ , thought Alec, _this door, this flimsy obstacle is the only thing keeping my siblings from my secret._ The thought was absurd to him. He had been keeping this in for so long. _I almost don't know how to talk about it._

Weighed down with a heavy heart, Alec made his way into the living room of the loft. Both of his siblings, who had been deep in conversation, quickly looked up at him. In a flash, both were surrounding him in their arms. The hug was all encompassing, and Alec couldn't help but lean into their warmth, their love. It might be the last time he was given it. Alec didn't even notice Magnus. The man was in fact off to the side, sipping a martini as he took in the familial reunion. A quiet smile played at his lips, but he remained silent throughout the entire scene. 

"Alec-"

"Guys-"

All three startled at the sound of their overlapping voices. Jace and Izzy looked at one another, and both gave a small nod. Turning back to a confused Alec, Izzy said, "You first."

That stumped Alec. It's not like he had a whole speech planned for this, but he thought he'd be better prepared for this eventuality. Because that was what this was. An eventuality. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but that didn't stop Alec from feeling overwhelmingly unprepared for the entire affair. "Well, it's...I was going to...I-" Alec gave up with a sigh. There was no easy way to tell this. He felt a burning sensation at the back of his throat, and his eyes misted over. His hands started to shake, yet Alec couldn't find the strength to stop them. They were going to find out. His siblings. The ones who he swore to protect. How could he continue to protect them when they knew about him? Would they still want to see him? Or would they leave him, just like his parents had? The thoughts swirled together until he couldn't see past them. It was like he had tunnel vision. Everything that mattered to him was there, but no matter what he did, he was always too far to grasp it. Or was it that they were moving away?

Izzy and Jace seeing this, jumped straight into help. "Alec it's okay, you don't have to explain right now. How about we go back to the Institute? There you can tell us all that you want to, and we'll listen without judgement. Does that work for you?" Izzy asked. Jace just continued to look on with concealed shock. Alec never cried. In fact, he rarely expressed emotion. Period. The only times he'd seen emotion on Alec's face was when he was talking to one of them. Love was usually present. That and anger. Or betrayal. _Betrayal was easily the worst one to see,_ thought Jace. It was even worse when he was the one to put in there. 

Alec gave a shaky nod while he bit his lower lip nervously. His hands were fidgeting with the hem of his shirt as well. Suddenly, he was glad for his burst of power. If not for that, he would surely have been tearing Magnus' loft to shreds by now. 

"Alright then, I guess we'll be going then, Magnus." With that, Jace and Izzy walked towards the door. They didn't look back until they noticed that Alec wasn't with them. Instead, they found him walking to Magnus. 

When he finally arrived, Alec surprised them both. He hesitantly took Magnus' hand into his, and looked deep into his eyes. In a whisper, Alec said, "Thank you. Not just for...the bed or the check up. Thank you for..." Alec looked to the side as he collected his scattered thoughts. The tunnel vision wasn't there anymore. It was more like his mind couldn't handle those thoughts when confronted with one Magnus Bane. "Thank you for accepting my answers or rather my lack thereof. Thank you for letting me have my peace. I know you didn't need to. Even though you looked over me, you didn't demand answers to why you had to. Many wouldn't have resisted in your position." Clasping a stunned Magnus' hand one last time, Alec turned away, and stalked towards his siblings. They both wore stunning grins, and Alec couldn't help but smile back. Even with his mind a jumbled mess, hope began to blossom. Slowly, the small bud grew until it flowered into an all consuming feeling. _Maybe his siblings wouldn't leave him._

Watching the receding shadowhunters' backs, Magnus couldn't help but look back down at his still extended hand in wonderment. The very hand that Alexander had cradled so gently and kindly. Magnus felt his breath catch as he thought of the young shadowhunter. How had he, the great Magnus Bane, gotten so entranced by a shadowhunter? A Lightwood at that. How could he, the playboy extraordinaire, get caught by this innocent, considerate boy. With a resigned shake, Magnus finally lowered his hand. One dismissive wave later, Magnus had two empty hands. Silence filled the loft, but Magnus found that for once, he didn't mind it. His earlier questions resurfaced then, and Magnus couldn't help but think, _What had that shadowhunter done? How had he done it? Did he possess magic?_ Magnus shook his head after that one. _Of course he didn't possess magic. It was impossible._ Alas, Magnus had kept the thoughts to himself. The poor man looked about two seconds away from a panic attack when just confronted with his siblings. Him, a total stranger, asking those types of questions would have damaged whatever they had between them irreparably. His thoughts strayed once again to that shadowhunter's grip. It was unlike anything he'd experienced before, and he found himself craving it like an addiction. It had been reassuring in all of the best possible ways. Magnus couldn't help but smile.

_Maybe this shadowhunter wouldn't break his heart after all._

The walk back was awkward to say the least. 

Alec didn't say anything. Jace could tell that he was lost in thought. Lost enough to have dropped his mask at least. Alec's face was twisted with worry and self-loathing, and Jace couldn't help but wonder what this entire thing was. Shadowhunters don't just manifest energy like that. He knew that, but that didn't stop him from wondering if Magnus was wrong about the whole secret warlock thing. It would certainly explain a couple of things. First off, it would explain the eyes. His brother had hazel eyes. Not electrifying blue ones that glowed. Second, his reaction to everything, and his reaction to Magnus. That last hug...it had felt like Alec was leaning into it fully as if it were going to be the last one for a while. Lastly, Jace knew shadowhunter society. To say that downworlders were treated as inferiors was putting it lightly. Hell, they were called downworlders for a reason. He knew his people's views. Those alone would cause anyone to hide that part of themselves. Jace bowed his head, and finally submerged himself in his thoughts. 

Izzy saw something completely different. 

She saw her brother trying to put words to feelings, something that had never been his strong suit. His face had lost its mask, and every emotion was rolling across it. Fear, anger, hope, worry. All of those emotions flashed across the surface. She also Jace sneaking looks at him with suspicion clear in his eyes. _If he does anything to upset Alec,_ thought Izzy, _I'm going to kick his ass, parabatai or not._ Izzy knew that Jace wasn't the brightest. He was also the most cynical person she'd ever met. The only one topping him was Alec himself. Internally sighing, Izzy began to think about what must have made Alec this way. His reaction, his fear, those didn't come out of nowhere. No, those feelings festered and grew until the revolting mass made itself known. Someone had hurt her hermano, someone who was meant to love him. Suddenly, Izzy remembered what Alec had said not too long ago.

**"Mom and Dad being back is going to...complicate things."**

_Those bastards,_ thought Izzy angrily. She already knew that they were colder to him. She had always figured that it was due to him being the first born, the eldest. With a seething anger, Izzy bent her head. Nobody got away with hurting her big brother. 

Alec couldn't even think. 

That wasn't true. He could think. He just couldn't think clearly. Every thought added to the white noise in his brain, and Alec couldn't sort out right from left. They crawled over each other, mixing into the next one with a fervent joy. Thoughts dislodged themselves from each other and combined with others. One minute, he was thinking about the what ifs. The next thing he knew, he was thinking about what to say. Everything blended together into a miasma cloud that hung over his head like a guillotine. All it would take was one word, one look that would send it hurtling down. He could already see Jace's suspicion, and Izzy's anger. At what, he could already guess. It was him. He caused this. Ringing through his head, Alec could make one thought out at least. It came to him in startling clarity, yet Alec couldn't find it in himself to deny it. 

_I don't want to be me anymore._

They did eventually make it into the Institute. Jace gave Alec a thinly veiled look of disbelief while Izzy looked to be just short of going on a warpath to Maryse's office. Alec just hung his head, and made a beeline for his room. At least there, he had some semblance of peace. 

Making it into the room was just short of a miracle. Nobody had stopped him, nor had they stopped his siblings. Sitting down onto his bed after applying several privacy runes to his door, Alec gave up trying to calm down his thoughts. His siblings' questions were coming whether he liked it or not. They entered the war zone with a look of understanding dawning their faces, and stood across from Alec. They both had their arms crossed in thought. 

Izzy was the first to speak, "Alec..." She was going to pick her words wisely. They didn't want another wave to go off inside the Institute after all. "...why didn't you want to come back to the Institute?" The question surprised Alec. He thought for sure his sister would have gone straight for the 'What was that' question. 

He looked up at her, and said, "I didn't want to come back to the Institute due to there being people here. I didn't know how strong the residual power would be from the blast." Alec took a deep breath. This was it. "If I had come back here, and the residual power was strong enough, I could have killed everyone here before they even realized what was happening." He squeezed his eyes shut, and bent his head down. He'd said it. There was no taking it back now. 

Both looked surprised. He could have what!? Izzy shot Jace a warning glance though when she saw he was about to speak. Her eyes said, _Let me handle this_. "Alec, what do you mean, you could have killed them? That doesn't make any sense. No shadowhunter has that kind of power. The Clave would have stopped anybody with that immediately." Alec flinched at the last part. He should have been stopped. He should have been ki- 

"Woah, Alec that's not what I meant. What I meant is that there's no record of someone having that type of power in the archives." Izzy rushed out. Taking a breath, Izzy continued, "Again, I'll ask, how could you have killed them Alec?"

"I don't know."

"Bullshit!" Jace exclaimed. His temper was taking over, and he wanted answers. "Just tell us what that was back at the warehouse!" 

"I don't know!" Alec yelled back, now equally frustrated. _Why couldn't Jace understand? Why did he have to push like this?_ "I really don't. Remember the memory demon? That memory that I wouldn't let go? That memory of mine contains the first time I used it." Izzy's eyes flared with recognition. That was why the cold had felt so familiar. She had already experienced it. In a small voice, she said, "You almost killed me." There was no accusation in her tone, no anger. She stated it like a fact because it was. Alec had lost control, and had almost killed her with it. Alec seemed to crumple into himself. Self-loathing was coming off him in waves, and he couldn't stop his tears from forming. "Yes. I didn't know what was happening. It came on in a rush, and I didn't know how to stop it." \

With a broken laugh, Alec admitted, "I didn't want it to stop."

"I don't blame you, hermano." It was such a simple statement, but it broke what little Alec had left. His tears fell freely, and Alec couldn't stop them. Not now. Not when his little sister was forgiving him like this. 

"You should." 

"But I don't. I never will either. You hear me? Whatever this is, it's clearly tearing you up inside. Let us in, big brother. We're here to help, so please, please don't push us away again." Izzy's eyes were filled with love and determination. Alec almost couldn't believe it. This was too much. It wasn't enough. 

Taking a shuddering breath, Alec resumed talking, "I don't know what it is. I mean, you saw the warehouse. My first demon ended up like all those other demons too. It's this rush inside me that destroys about everything near to me. Usually, I can control it, but with Clary and Valentine's return...my control's been going a bit haywire. That and the fact that if I didn't do something both of you would have ended up seriously injured or dead. Both of you wouldn't have escaped that behemoth's claw. Believe me, I know that for a fact." Alec added at the end when both Jace and Izzy opened their mouths to protest. 

Silence reigned in the tight space. Both Izzy and Jace were deep in thought until Jace remembered something from a couple of days ago. "Wait, has your control been going on the fritz longer than this week? Clary mentioned something about a feeling of cold and dancing shadows during a meeting." Alec scratched at his neck nervously as he answered, "Yeah, that was me. I didn't mean to, but my thoughts had wandered into some dangerous territories for me. I didn't even realize I had lost control until Clary brought it up. Usually, I can tell almost right away." 

Izzy's head snapped up with a thought. Jace could almost see the light bulb going off. "If it's that obvious, then how come we couldn't feel it? We've been around you constantly. If your control was breaking every couple of days, we should have felt something." Jace was in fact the one to answer that one. 

"That's exactly the point, Iz. We're around him constantly. So much so, that we probably got used to it at some point. Remember when we first discovered Alec's messy room? I remember us about to launch into a full interrogation session with him, but suddenly, a feeling overcame me. It was like I was in danger, like I had to get out of here. I know you felt it because we looked at each other before leaving. You had the same look in your eyes." 

Izzy picked up from there, filling in the blanks as she thought about it, "And Clary was able to feel it because she was new to the Institute. That also explains why nobody else mentioned the cold. They've gotten used to it too."

With that problem out of the way, Izzy latched onto the last thing Alec had said. "Wait, what do you mean, you knew for a fact that that behemoth would have taken us out? Alec there was no way to know that. Our intel was severely limited, and we were told that it was only going to be just one type of demon." Alec bit his lip at that. Should he tell them about those? _They already know about the other thing, why not this too?_

Hesitantly, Alec stood up. "It's better if I showed you." Izzy and Jace shared confused looks as Alec made his way over to the destroyed desk. Reaching under the hollow part of the desk, Alec brought out a sketch pad. It looked so inconspicuous that Izzy doubted that she would have ever found it. She watched him flip through the pages with practiced ease. Jace looked at his brother with both eyebrows raised. He was standing a slight bit closer, and so he could see the numerous drawings that filled the pages. _They're beautiful,_ mused Jace. 

Alec finally landed on the desired page. Clary was clearly present on the page, and he couldn't think of a better example of what these were. He turned the book towards his siblings with trembling hands, and said, "This is Clary. I drew this three weeks before she saw us in Pandemonium. I didn't know who she was, but I recognized her immediately." Alec stood there, waiting for their comments about how it wasn't possible, about how he couldn't have drawn a stranger. 

"That's impossible." Jace said. Izzy couldn't speak through her thoughts. 

"Look, I know-"

"No, Alec! You couldn't have drawn this three weeks before Clary appeared! It's not possible. People don't just dream of strangers that they're going to meet." Under his breath, Jace added, "At least, shadowhunters don't." The _You're not a shadowhunter_ went completely unvoiced, but Alec could tell that was the real reason behind the comment. Again, Alec flinched. He hadn't thought he'd hear that from Jace's mouth. Sure, Maryse had her prejudices. He expected it from her. From his parabatai though? No, this was a complete surprise. 

"Jace! What the hell!" Izzy exclaimed. She couldn't believe that Jace had just said that. How could he even think that Alec was a warlock?! Hadn't he heard Magnus? 

"What? You can't stand there, and not help but think the same thing. No shadowhunter can do this. As you pointed out, the Clave would have exterminated them immediately. That or documented them. Iz, he has to be a warlock. They're the only ones capable of doing things like what he did!" Jace turned back to Alec, and said, "Just admit it already! We won't judge you for it, but you can't keep lying to us about this!"

"Jace you heard what Magnus said though! He said that Alec didn't have magic! He can't be a warlock without magic."

"I don't care what Magnus said. He could have been wrong, or he could have been lying!"

Silently, Alec watched their shouting match with detached amusement. He'd lived with this thing for long enough to recognize that it was magic. Despite what little he knew, even he could deduce that. It was the kind of magic though, that Jace was getting wrong. 

"I'm not a warlock Jace." Jace whipped his head around to face Alec. For the first time since waking up, Alec appeared confident. His voice didn't shake, and he wasn't hunched over. "But it is magic."

Jace blanched at that. Magic was for warlocks, not shadowhunters. Who did his parabatai think he was fooling? _Not me, that's for sure!_

"Alec that makes no sense." Izzy said. Even she had to admit, this was making her curious. 

"I know, but I've been living with this thing for a while now. I know that it's magic, but Jace you're wrong about what type." In a quiet voice, Alec said, "I know that it's angelic in nature. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to vaporize those demons like I had. A warlock would have burned them. After all, their magic originates from beings made of hellfire. Me? I vaporized them by freezing them. In fact, I froze them to the point of shattering from the slightest breeze." 

Silence hung heavily in the air as both of his siblings took the time to process. He knew they'd need a minute, but that didn't stop his mind from wandering down those long, dark roads that always led to worse consequences. What if they didn't accept his explanation? What if they told everyone that he was a warlock despite what he'd said? Would people believe them? _Of course they would, they're the two best shadowhunters of this generation. Their words are treated as gospel at this point._

"...Okay." Jace said. His earlier anger had faded by this point. With a clearer head, Jace took a good look Alec. Despite everything that his brother did to keep others out, his tells were on full display right now. The bit lip, the quivering hands that played with the hem of his shirt, the constant shifting of his feet. His brother was being eaten alive by his thoughts, and Jace had yelled at him. Guilt immediately crashed into him. How could he? This must have been hard enough for Alec, yet he decided to make it ten times worse. 

Shaking his head, Jace looked Alec in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. I was frustrated and angry, and I didn't know what to do with those feelings. Just know that this changes nothing. I still love you, brother. You're my parabatai, nothing could change that." Alec's eyes misted over again, and before he knew it, Jace was being crashed into by Alec. He wrapped his long arms around him, and silently cried into Jace's shoulder as a weight too large to carry melted away into nothing. Izzy joined in eventually, and the three of them stood there in each other's embraces. A sense of peace enveloped Alec then. A peace that he hadn't felt in so long. 

_Maybe things wouldn't turn out so bad after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy? Please, tell me! I'm always happy to see comments after these chapters, so any and all words are welcome. Also sorry to all Jace-lovers. I kinda made him an asshole in this chapter, but to be fair, in the show he was kinda an asshole anyway. Besides that, who do you think Az is? I'd love to hear all of your theories!  
> Also, would you guys prefer shorter updates? I know reading large chapters can be tiresome sometimes, so sound off in the comments below about what your preference is!  
> Sorry to anyone who wanted to see Magnus question Alec. I just think that Magnus would understand that Alec could have secrets for himself. That's not saying that he won't get there eventually though. I've got plans for Malec, don't worry!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more explanation to the siblings. Also some heart-on-heart with Alec later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm here with a new update! Don't hate me too much when you get to the siblings, alright? Just some personal touches, I swear.
> 
> Also it's pride, soooo yeah, I just wanted to incorporate some happy pride moments in this chapter. It seemed to fit, so I just went with it.
> 
> Sorry it took so long! I like to update once a week, fridays or saturdays preferably. Stuff happened. Events took my time. Sleep evaded me. So, here I am a bit late, but still with quality work (I hope...)

Of course, the night didn't end there for Alec. 

After the group hug, everyone took a moment to collect themselves. Nephilim weren't emotional after all. Alec resumed his seat on his bed, and his siblings continued to pepper him with questions. With the big worry out of his mind, Alec didn't mind. In fact, it was kind of nice. The only people to ever know about it were his parents and him. His parents hadn't wanted to talk about it. Why? He never knew. All he knew was that every time he flashed his blue eyes at them, they would flinch, and degrade him for his lack of control. Most of the questions he could answer, but some of them were a mystery, even to him. 

They touched on control, and why he was so emotionless most of the day. They also talked about everything that Alec was able to deduce from his experiences. 

"So you say that you can see death before it happens, and you can kill things with a look." Izzy was rubbing her thumb against her chin thoughtfully. She'd never heard of this before. Hell, she hadn't even heard of a warlock doing this before. _I mean, I know that he isn't a warlock, but the similarities are uncanny, really. Both have a mark. Both have explosive powers. Both can do inexplicable things._ "Magnus said something to us while you were out at his place. The only way he could describe your comatose state was magic deficiency. Has this ever happened to you before?"

"No never, in fact-" Alec cut off there. Something was telling him to keep Az to himself. "-nothing remarkable has happened since the greenhouse incident. Sure, I've had little things here and there, but full blown explosions? Never happened, this is a first for me too." Alec fell into silence again. Why hadn't he wanted to tell them about Az? He was a mysterious man that had showed up randomly, so why was he keeping that to himself? It wasn't as if he was important. _Except he is_ , a small voice whispered. 

When Jace saw that Alec was done, he said, "Well, I just want you to tell us next time." Alec whipped his head up at that. What? Jace wanted to know when he was slipping? Why? Jace continued on, "I want you to talk to us, Alec. We want to help, so if you find yourself slipping...just tell us. We'll get you a quick excuse for you to escape somewhere to cool down." Jace smirked at his own joke while Izzy and Alec both executed the classic Lightwood eye roll. _Their brother was an idiot._

"Yeah, just tell me or Jace, and we'll get an excuse for you immediately." She took a deep breath. Slowly, she began, "We've seen what you can do, Alec. Please don't take that the wrong way, but we just want to avoid that, okay?" Alec's eyes saddened, but he nodded anyway. When Alec looked to be done with the conversation, both Jace and Izzy took that as their go ahead to leave. Both walked to the door, but not before they heard Alec whisper "Wait." He was feeling a sudden rush of bravery. If they could handle all of this weirdness, could they accept that?

"Yeah, what is it?" Jace said. 

"Since we're doing this whole expose secrets thing, I just wanted to get something else off my chest."

"Hermano, we love you. You can tell us anything, and we'll always be here to support you."

"I'm gay." Alec wouldn't look at them. At least, he wouldn't look into their eyes. He didn't want to see the disgust, the fear. Whatever spike of bravery he'd just experienced left him in a rush. What had he done? Why had he said that? They didn't need to know that. He was perfectly fine keeping that to himself, thank you very much. 

"Oh hermano, I'm so proud of you!" Izzy exclaimed. Her big brother had finally told her. She had suspected for quite some time, so to hear his admission...it was everything. 

"I'm proud of you, parabatai." 

Alec sat there speechless, his mouth agape. What? They were just going to accept that? He couldn't believe his luck. "You're okay with that? You're not...disgusted?"

"No, hermano. How could we? We love you. That means that we don't care who you love, just as long as they treat you right, and that you're happy."

"Yeah, we don't care what they've got between their legs." Jace said. Izzy leveled a _look_ at him before pinching her brow. How could her brother be this much of a crude human being? Meanwhile, Alec just blushed a bright red, his checks lighting up like a seraph blade. 

"Thanks...I-I, that means a lot...uh-" Alec stuttered. All Alec wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die at this point. That is, until he managed to raise his head to see his siblings. They were both grinning ear-to-ear at him, and Alec couldn't help but smile back. 

"This wouldn't have to do with one Magnus Bane, would it?"

Again, Alec blushed a bright red. Had he been that obvious?

"Yes." They both said. 

Alec thought he might pass out. The amount of blood rushing to his face couldn't have been good for his body. Seriously, he must have been depriving the rest of his body of blood by this point. Even the tips of his ears were scarlet. Both of his siblings didn't pay attention to this though. No, they were too busy laughing at their brother's apparent embarrassment. 

"It's okay hermano. If it makes you feel any better, he feels the same." Izzy didn't miss the way that Alec perked up at that. 

"Really? You really think he's...interested in me?" Alec asked hopefully. It was one thing to crush on someone unattainable. It was another to crush on someone who felt the same way. A rush of excitement flew through his stomach, and his heartbeat accelerated. 

"Yes Alec, if the innuendos and jokes weren't enough, then the longing looks were a dead give away" Jace said. No, he wouldn't laugh at his brother's obliviousness. _At least, I won't laugh at him to his face,_ thought Jace. 

With that out of the way, Jace and Izzy took their leave, both sporting a knowing smirk. It was late, and Alec had looked about two seconds from collapsing. 

Alone in his room once again, Alec felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Hope swelled within him, and Alec made a mad grab at it. He hadn't felt that feeling in so long that he wanted to cherish it. He still had his siblings, despite what he could do. Yes, they were wary of him now, but Alec would take that any day over avoidance and hate. The knowledge that they had his back now just heightened the feeling. Squeezing his eyes shut, Alec thought over everything that had happened in the last three hours. His siblings had been respectfully inquisitive, and Alec couldn't ask for anything more of them. 

Finally getting up, Alec went to replace his sketchbook in its proper place under his desk, and changed into his night wear. Not even bothering to look at the rest of the mess, Alec thought about his sister's reaction to the sketchbook itself. He'd suspected that nobody else could see the golden runes on the spine, and Izzy had just confirmed it. _Yet another mystery about myself,_ mused Alec. The writing had just appeared one night. It still left him confused to this very day. 

**I was just starting to get the visions. Events hadn't started yet though, so I must have been only 12 or 13 by this point. The sketchbook had looked so nondescript, so unnoticeable, that I knew that I had to have it. After all, the visions were all starting to swim together and get muddled. The details were beginning to faze out, and I couldn't remember all of them anymore. Even at that age, I knew that the details made all the difference. So, just seeing it in that second hand storefront seemed like destiny. I could hide something like that, and nobody would question it.**

**I bought it immediately.**

**Bringing it into the Institute was more difficult. The thing was big and bulky, but nobody stopped me. That didn't make it any less nerve wracking. Every second that passed, I was sure that somebody would stop me and demand to see my pockets. I was terrified. Especially Maryse. Even then, I knew to avoid her. I did make it to my room though. I still remember how the brown leather cracked under his fingertips, each swipe of my thumb sending tremors through its surface.**

**It remained that way for precisely 24 hours.**

**I had an event that night. It was the first one I'd ever experienced. I awoke to a destroyed room, and a head full of sights, sounds, tastes that left me fighting for breath. Somehow, I found the strength to walk over to my desk and pull out the sketchbook. I didn't have a charcoal pencil on me, but somehow, I found one on my desk. I didn't remember buying it, but that day, I was thanking whoever had left it. Briefly, I wondered what I was supposed to do. I didn't have any formal training after all. Do I just drag the pencil across the page? How was I supposed to do this? Those worries flew from my mind once I sunk into the right mental space. Before I knew it, I was done. The pictures weren't great, but they were distinct enough for me to tell what was happening to who.**

**I remember finishing the last of it, and looking up into my mirror. It startled me so much that I ended up dropping the book with a thud. My eyes were glowing blue. Before this, I didn't know what the visions did to me. This had confirmed some of my suspicions, but to see it? To actually see and feel evidence of what I was doing?**

**It scared me.**

**My focus wasn't on the book. It should have been because the next thing I knew, I was being knocked back again by a shock wave. It wasn't very big, but it was enough to knock me off my feet. I looked across at the thing, and couldn't believe what I saw. Gold runic writing was scrawled across the spine. It didn't shimmer yet. That came later. How much later, I don't know. But for right that moment, the golden writing was taking up all of my mind. Why was it there? What did it mean?**

Alec brought himself out of his head once again. He still didn't know what the runes meant, but that hadn't stopped him from trying. It just further motivated him. He still copies the runic lettering down as exact as he possibly can just to compare it to other dead languages that have existed. The newer languages hadn't been used though. Something told him that the writing wouldn't be found in old french texts. No, this writing was _ancient_ , possibly older than the oldest of warlocks. 

With that last thought, Alec finally felt himself drifting off to sleep. For once, Alec found it easy. 

Blood spurted from his wounds. 

It seeped through his clothes, blooming across his chest and legs. The stranger was no better, but instead of laying down across from him, he was instead standing victoriously over him. 

"Looks like I win, Nephilim." The figure sneered. Alec didn't miss the irony. "Didn't matter anyways. I always win." The stranger let out a cackle of glee as he watched Alec's chest slowly come to a stop.

With one last breath, Alec takes in the acrid smelling smoke along with the hazy sky that faces him before it all fades to darkness. 

With a start, Alec bolted upright. He again ran his hands across his invisible wounds, and let out a sigh of relief. That is, until he noticed where he was. 

He was back in the greenhouse. 

_What the hell,_ thought Alec. He grimaced with the thought. His previous event hadn't quite left him yet. The battlefield was still imprinted into his vision, and Alec couldn't get the stranger's cackles out of his head. Alec shook his head. He needed to think, not worry about what had happened. It was over with, but he was still trapped somewhere. 

Right as he was about to call out, Az stepped out of the shadows. He wore the same outfit as the previous day, but something was different. The difference? He couldn't tell. It was just...something. Whatever it was, he couldn't tell, but Az didn't let him dwell on it. No, he began to talk. 

"Hello!" Az waved at him like a long lost friend, and Alec couldn't help but roll his eyes. 

Alec stood up, and said, "So, is this a thing now? You just popping into my head? 'Cause if it is, then I need you to tell me, so that I can go to the Silent Brothers to get checked out. I've got some pretty important things in here," Alec tapped his temple, and continued, "that can't get out, got it?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I think we have more important things to discuss."

"Like what?" He wasn't knocked out again, right? Did something else happen to him while he was sleeping?

Az gave Alec a look. "You know what I'm talking about."

"Really, well can you share with me what I'm supposed to know because I really don't." _This guy could rival a seelie in misdirection,_ thought Alec. 

"The dreams, Alexander. I'm talking about the dreams." Alec startled back. How did he know about those?

"What dreams. I don't know what you're talking about." Alec said, quickly dismissing the stranger. This tactic had always worked for his siblings. Maybe it would work for Az? That hope went out the window as soon as Alec saw the man's face. It was unimpressed to say the least. 

"Alexander, there's no point in trying to lie about these things. I know about them, so let's talk about them. You need it," When Alec looked about to protest, Az quickly said, "Even though a piece of paper does help, having someone to talk to about them is always better. Details become sharper, events more distinct." 

Again, Alec stared at Az with his mouth agape. "How do you know about those? I just told Izzy and Jace about them, so you couldn't possibly have heard about them from those two. We also put privacy runes all over the door, so no eavesdropping either."

"I have my ways." Az said mysteriously. Alec waited a moment for him to elaborate, but Az just looked back at him expectantly.

"That doesn't matter. I'm still not telling you." Alec said stubbornly. It didn't matter if this stranger knew about them, he wasn't about to tell him every little secret he had just because he kept appearing. That just reminded him of his earlier question, "But really, is this going to happen more? You and me just meeting in a make believe garden?"

"Fine, yes! It will probably happen more as you grow. After all, you're the one calling me, remember?" Az leveled a look at him as he said this. That and his finger pointing at him, had Alec just about ready to lose it at this stranger. 

"Again, impossible. I can't have called you here."

"This again? Alexander, accept it. You called me here."

Alec took a second to take a deep breath, and to pinch his brow in frustration. _Why was this his life?_ , he grumbled. "Fine." Alec snapped. He opened his eyes, and gave the stranger a glare, "Last time we talked, you said I should think about why I would call you here to this space. I still don't know, so why don't you tell me, oh wise stranger."

Az's eyes lit up with amusement. _Yes, he would certainly do._ "Well, what brought you here last time?"

"I'd just gotten knocked out from excessive use of...my power." It still didn't feel right to call it power, and it certainly didn't feel right to call it _his_.

"Ahhh yes, the warehouse, if I'm not mistaken. Yes, that was a grand display there Alexander. Makes me proud. Alright, what about now?"

Ignoring the bit about pride, Alec said, "I just had an event. It was bad this time. Really bad. I mean, I've had this one before. It's not that uncommon, but this time I ended up dying instead of both of us dying. That's bad right?" Alec just kept going. He hadn't meant to talk about the event, but here he was spilling it all to this stranger. _I've really got to control my mouth,_ sighed Alec, _So much for not telling Az._

"You call them events? Interesting...well, yes I can see why you need me now. Was anything else off with this particular version?"

"Nope, just the ending. The battle was the same, and everything. The only thing different was the outcome. He managed to finish me before I could finish him. The next thing I knew, I was waking up here again." Alec explained. He hated how easily he was able to talk to this stranger. Because that was what Az was. For all he knew, Az could go off to someone else, and divulge this to anyone and everyone. Then, he really would be screwed. 

"I see...well maybe something changed in your life? Has something traumatic happened recently?"

"It wasn't traumatic, no, I told my siblings about everything. I couldn't really hide this", Alec paused to wave his hands around dramatically, "from them after they partially witnessed the warehouse scene."

"...alright. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think that's the final version of the event. I think it's just one of many iterations that will make themselves known to you."

Alec gave him a skeptical look. "How do you know all of this?" He of course knew this, but things like this weren't merely glanced at and understood. Hell, it had taken Alec years to learn that what he saw were just many versions of the same event over and over again. Some were easier than others, yet all of the versions could all be traced back to a single vision. 

"Alexander, think about it. The future isn't just one thing. No, it's more like a giant stream. In that stream there are rocks, and those rocks serve as diverges. Those diverges are the different outcomes that you and I live out in our day to day lives. Because after all, what's the difference between this moment and the next?" 

He looked down in thought. The man's explanations did match up with his own. Shadowhunters didn't exactly cover philosophy in lessons, but Alec knew what the man was getting at. "It's our actions."

"Right again. So, just think about what you can do _now_ that will help the _later_ , got it?"

Those were the last words he heard before it all went black. 

Alec awoke with a start. He bolted upright on his bed, and proceeded to check for his invisible wounds again. Never could be too sure about those. Once done with that task, Alec gave his room a once over. It was still just as destroyed as the last time he'd seen it. In fact, it had deteriorated. Considerably. Not only that, but Alec found himself looking into the eyes of his parabatai. 

"Wha-what?...What are you doing here?" Sputtered Alec. His hands flew in front of his face like he was trying to protect himself from an imaginary foe, and his eyes were frantic. Last night hadn't set in yet. 

"We're in here because we heard you screaming your head off." Jace said.

Izzy added, "There was the mumbling too. Something about streams? I don't know, but you looked pretty concerned about it. Your face was all scrunched and stuff."

Screaming? Mumbling? Alec immediately looked to his door. His silencing and locking runes were burnt out. He'd forgotten to reapply them last night. 

Last night. 

Alec let out a big sigh of relief. He was okay. They knew. "Well, I'm fine. It was just another event."

"Event?" Jace and Izzy asked together. They then looked at each other. What events? 

"You know...those pictures that I showed you last night. Well, sometimes I have events. That's what I call them anyways." Then with a wistful expression, Alec said, "Could've done with a vision though. Those are always better." Ignoring his siblings' looks of confusion, Alec made his way over to his desk, and brought out his sketchbook and charcoal pencil. With an adept hand, Alec twirled the charcoal stick rhythmically. 

"Hmmmm..." Something wasn't quite right. He couldn't get into the necessary headspace. Looking up, Alec quickly figured it out. His siblings were still looking at him like he had grown two heads. A sheepish expression made its way across his face, but Alec asked, "Could you..leave for a minute. I need to..." Alec finished that thought by gesturing to his sketchbook. Izzy's eyes brightened with understanding, and grabbed Jace by the arm, forcefully dragging him from the room. Jace couldn't even muster up a protest. One minute he was staring at Alec with confusion, the next he was being dragged out to the hallway. 

Finally in a silent space, Alec found the headspace more welcoming. He sunk into it, letting himself submerge into last night's scenes with crisp clarity. The charcoal, it had never stopped moving, came to a halt, and began its journey across the page. Lines slashed across the pages, and faces formed themselves. Alec could still see the stranger's eyes alight in flames as he plunged his sword into his chest. 

Once he was done, Alec called out to his siblings. They were probably still curious about everything. "Alright, come on in. I'm done."

Jace and Izzy slowly crept into the space. The furniture's haphazard arrangement went unvoiced, but Alec could tell that his siblings knew that it looked worse. 

"So...what was that?" Jace asked tentatively. 

"Jace it's fine if you ask questions. I'm not going to get defensive about it. You already know now, so there's no point in hiding it anymore." Alec then added under his breath, "At least, some parts."

"Alright, what's an event? You said it earlier, but you didn't explain." Izzy asked. It had been bugging her since they had left his room last night. Somehow with all of their questions, they hadn't managed to talk about those yet. That and the fact that Alec wasn't looking up at them made them seem like a big deal in her mind. He still had his head in his sketchbook, blocking her view of his drawings. 

"An event is...it's like a vision. But, it's not in so many ways."

Izzy spun her hand, "Continue."

"Well for one, I feel an event. It also creates the mess that you're currently standing in now."

Jace spoke up again, "What do you mean, 'you feel events'"

Alec hesitated at that question. He wanted to answer, he really did. It's just...it was a bit much. Without looking up, Alec said, "I can smell the acrid scent of decomposing bodies, the plunge of a blade into my leg, the metallic taste of my own blood on my tongue." Then in a small voice, he said, "I can feel it all as if I'm right there, standing on that battlefield."

The sharp inhales of breath brought Alec's head up, consequences be damned. Both of his siblings were staring at him in horror. That is until they caught a view of those eyes of his. His hazels were tucked away while his blues were blazing in all of their glory. 

Izzy flinched when those eyes settled on her. All of the shields that she used came crashing down, and she felt herself shiver. Those eyes _saw_ her. Not Isabelle Lightwood. Not Isabelle. No, they saw Izzy. They saw the self-conscious girl that would never get her mother's approval. The one that would never be good enough. The one that would always be overshadowed by her older brothers. She saw herself reflected in those eyes, and the sight almost made her collapse. She saw a frightened young girl with pigtails cowering before a monster. She let out a shuddering gasp, but this time it wasn't for Alec's horror.

No, it was for herself. 

Jace wasn't able to hide his flinch either. He'd already felt how those eyes could strip away at someone's exterior. The warehouse had given him enough exposure. That didn't stop the eyes from stripping away his defenses once again. He was transported back to the cabin in Idris. Valentine loomed over him, and he gave a shaky breath as he saw Valentine slowly grin. He wasn't the greatest shadowhunter of his generation anymore. He wasn't even Jace Lightwood. He was Jace Wayland all over again. The horrors of his life came rushing over him, and Jace couldn't help but divert his gaze. 

All Alec saw were his siblings looking at him in fear. Guilt flared bright in his gut. That and fear took over his mind. His charcoal pencil was long forgotten as Alec felt himself slipping. A loud crack resounded through the room, and a wave of cold followed it. Alec's eyes widened in horror. _Shit, I can't do this here, not yet. I need at least another day to recharge. I can't be this ready yet._ That didn't stop the cold chill in the air. Instead, it just seemed to heighten it. Shadows grew. They stretched across the room, searching for its next source of entertainment. _Yes, yes, yes,_ they chanted. Again, he didn't know who they were rooting for, but he didn't care enough to figure it out. Alec squeezed his eyes shut, and turned his head away. His brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to reign it back in again, but with his head a mess of past, present, and future images, he found that he couldn't calm down enough. No, he was spiraling, and fast. 

As soon as Alec's eyes were off him, Jace and Izzy both snapped out of their trances. Izzy brought her hand up to her face, not surprised when she felt silent tears cascading down her cheeks. Jace's fists were clenched, but his glassy eyes gave him away too. Before either had time to think, danger crashed into their senses. Seconds later, a wave of cold washed over them as well. They looked at each other, frightened. Then, they got a good look at Alec. In his fist, were the remnants of his charcoal pencil, the other clenched at his sketchbook tightly. His head was turned away in concentration. 

"Alec, you need to calm down. I know it seems impossible, but I need you to breathe with me, okay?

"Yeah, parabatai. Breath with me, breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out." Jace continued like that for several minutes until Izzy gave him a nod. The shadows weren't moving anymore at least, but the room held a certain chill to it. It sunk into her bones, and Izzy couldn't help but draw her arms around herself. 

"Sorry about that. It won't happen again." Alec's voice was small, but void of emotion. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Looking into himself, Alec pulled at his glamour until it embedded itself above his eyes. Not even glamour runes could get past it, it was so powerful. He turned back to his siblings with open eyes. The sighs of relief didn't go unnoticed. 

"So, do you want to hear anything else? I've got to look over this new scene." Alec strained out. 

"Yeah, actually, you mentioned visions before. How are those different?" Alec was impressed. Usually, most people saw his true eyes, and left before he could take another breath. 

"Visions are the equivalent to nightmares. Events are the equivalent to night terrors except bloodier, and usually involve not just my death, but several others." He was done with this entire conversation. He just wanted to go to the punching bag. Maybe come back with a few bloody knuckles, maybe come back with an entire bloody wrist. He just didn't know yet. 

"Wow...okay. Yeah, that sucks man." Jace said. He was rubbing the back of his head nervously. _What was I supposed to say to that? I'm so sorry for your loss? I'm sorry that that's happening to you? They don't exactly have social etiquette for things like this,_ Jace thought. 

Alec snorted. That was the understatement of the century. "Yeah well it's saved your collective asses multiple times, so I can't really be mad at it, can I?"

"How long-"

"I got my first one after the greenhouse incident. Only after a couple of years, did I finally start drawing them out. I just couldn't keep track of them anymore." Alec raised his sketchbook and said, "So, when I saw this sketchbook...I bought it immediately. It's been with me ever since."

This was a lot to process. Alec knew that, but how much more could his siblings take? What was their limit to all of this? Alec couldn't help but worry that they were approaching that limit and fast. That is until his parabatai came over. He had a big, cocky grin on his face, and Alec finally relaxed. 

"Awesome dude! That's amazing! Wish I cou-"

"No, you don't Jace. Believe me, you don't want this." Alec cut him off before his brother could say something stupid. He was having to do that a lot lately. 

Seeing Alec's serious expression, Jace dropped it. "Okay, well...that's it for me. I think I get this thing pretty much."

Izzy piped up, "Same."

Alec almost couldn't believe his ears. This conversation that he'd been dreading for years was here, and they hadn't even batted an eye. Except for the incident earlier, they weren't running away. Alec couldn't be happier. 

"Guys, I don't know if I've said this, but...Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. The only thing is, you can't go telling people about this, got it? It remains between the three of us. No going to Maryse or Robert."

"Alec...what did they do to you?" Izzy whispered. She knew that something had happened, she just didn't know what. All she knew was that it was serious if her loving brother was treating them like strangers.

He flinched at that. They hadn't done anything. It was their lack of action that had caused the most pain. 

"It's complicated. You've got to understand, it isn't about action, not really anyways. It's about their _inaction_ , Iz. Maryse was the one to find me after the Greenhouse Incident. She basically called me a downworlder and told me I was hideous." When Alec saw that Izzy was about to jump in, he quickly said, "From then on, the only interactions I would get with them was when they either needed something or were degrading me. But don't worry, I've got some defense mechanisms. They can't stand the sight of my eyes, so if it's ever too much, I just flash them briefly. That usually ends their torment pretty quickly." Alec finished that with a small, sad smile. 

"Oh Alec, I'm so sorry." Izzy whispered. She reached out her hand, but at the last moment stopped, letting it fall back to her side. Hurt flashed across Alec's eyes, but neither sibling noticed, too absorbed in their own thoughts to pay attention. 

"It's alright. I just avoid them now." Alec took a moment to steady himself. "Just...don't tell them that you know. She'll make a big deal out of it, and I just can't be bothered to deal with that right now. Especially with Valentine going around." Jace and Izzy both nodded to that. Alec let out a sigh of relief. It was small, but still full of meaning. 

A drawn out pause filled the space, and Jace began to fidget. What was he supposed to say now? It was a weird sort of awkward between the three of them. Something that he'd never felt, and never thought he would feel. Alec was still Alec. That didn't stop his every instinct from yelling, screaming at him to move away. This was his brother, his _parabatai_. Izzy looked to be dealing with the same feeling as he could see her squirming too. 

Alec broke the trance. He whispered, "It's okay, you know. You can leave. I know that this is a lot to take in. I won't be hurt if you both need some time." What he didn't say was how much it hurt to feel the distance between himself and his siblings. They'd gone past the point of return, but that didn't make the sting of rejection any less hurtful. 

Jace and Izzy looked at each other, a silent message passing between the two. _They're almost like parabatai,_ Alec thought bitterly, _never mind that me and Jace are parabatai, and we can barely do that anymore_. Without another word, both disappear down the hallway. The door clicked shut with a thud, and Alec couldn't help but shiver. It had sounded so final, so conclusive. 

Instead of focusing on his bleeding heart, Alec looked to his room. The four drab walls stared back at him. He was never one for personal items. He had just never been a materialistic person. Sure he had some things. Pictures sparingly adorned the walls, books lined a shelf. His sketchbook sat snugly under his desk, but besides that, the room looked like it could be anyone else's. He used to find it welcoming. For all that he was and for all that he could do, this room made him feel normal, like he was just another person in this Institute. He could be a regular shadowhunter inside these four walls. 

Not today. 

Those same four walls seemed to collapse into him, moving closer until Alec couldn't breath. He couldn't stay here. 

In a flurry of motion, Alec put everything away in its proper place. Patrols could wait till later. 

Hastily, he grabbed his leather jacket without a second glance, and raced down the blank hallways towards freedom. 

_Why is it always plants?_

Every time he has an emotional time, there's almost always plants present. That or he finds himself among plants in the aftermath. The irony isn't lost on him either. He, someone who can kill with just a touch, being surrounded by vitality and life.

Yeah, it was hilarious. 

But that's where he found himself. Central Park had always fascinated him. Even before the whole greenhouse incident. He found himself being calmed by the plants' presence. Call it fate, but it worked for him. So, whenever the Institute, his siblings, or his parents became too much, Alec would disappear for a few hours just to observe them. 

Currently, he found himself on one unremarkable bench, looking at one unremarkable flower. Weeds covered the base, and the prized flowers sat off to the side. The flower itself was a dull orange color with red streaks flowing sloppily towards the flower's gaping center. The stem was a muted olive with dirty orange spots, and the bright yellow pollen clashed against the offset color scheme. 

It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. 

Alec snorted at the thought. _Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. But who can blame me, it's just so....pure._ The plant didn't do anything except sit there and look pretty. It was perfect. The flower didn't have some grand purpose to do, not some master plan to execute. No, the plant simply had to stay where it was, look pretty, then decay slowly. 

So, Alec sat there on that unremarkable bench, staring at that unremarkable flower. He sat and thought about what he'd done, what he'd said. There was no way to take it back, he knew that, but that didn't stop his mind. Oh no, it just spurred the damned thing on. His hands were clasped together tightly, and his fingers were constantly moving against each other. Alec could feel himself biting his bottom lip, but didn't actually stop until he tasted the tangy, metallic taste of blood. 

He took a deep breath. 

Then another. 

And another.

Finally, Alec came back to himself. He sifted through the evenings with a clearer head, each event leaving him with some sort of peace. Slowly, a smile made its way across his face, and Alec bent down towards the flower, plucking it from the ground with deft fingers. He brought the flower to his face, taking a deep breath. 

The smell was even sweeter than he imagined. 

When he pulled his hand back, Alec looked down in confusion. The flower's bland exterior was somehow sharper, more distinct. Looking closer, Alec saw a thin layer of frost covering the stem. It wasn't deep enough to harm, just enough to magnify. _Why am I not panicking?_ He should have been. Really, he had lost control, he had used his power on this living thing. It might just be a flower, but to him, it was one of the most beautiful and complex things he'd ever seen. _So why am I not panicking?_

The answer came like a lightning strike, quick and bright. 

_I didn't harm it,_ Alec thought reverently. The flower was still whole, not a speck of ash in sight. The colors were still visible as well. In fact, the colors looked to be _enhanced_ if anything. Alec reached out towards the flower tentatively with his other hand. With a finger, he gently stroked a soft petal. The petal didn't shrivel up, didn't decay. No, the frost that had covered the stem spread onto the petal. It grew across the surface, covering the expanse in seconds. The surface was no longer soft but instead, cold and firm. 

And like a dam, Alec broke down into tears. 

He didn't allow his siblings to see this. Not often at least. Alexander Lightwood was a leader, and leaders were meant to be strong for their subordinates. It didn't matter if he wanted to cry or not, he had a duty to fulfill, one that didn't allow a moment of weakness such as this. That didn't stop the tears however.

So, Alec sat there well into the night, his glamour rune finally fading out, and his body once again becoming visible. He sat there until the shrieks of children stopped, until the noise of people finally faded into nothing. His tears never dwindled, never stopped though. They quietly streamed down his face in thick rivulets, each drop producing a clear sound against the night's silent reverence. His shoulders trembled with emotion, but as time went on, it grew less and less until even they were still. 

All the while, the flower remained in his gentle grip, untouched by decay. 

In the back of his mind, Alec knew why he was crying, why he was _clinging_ to this flower so tightly. 

_It's the first time I've touched something and not destroyed it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how'd I do? I just felt like the siblings wouldn't be able to understand Alec all that much. That and their reactions wouldn't be nice.
> 
> Also sorry if this felt like filler. I swear I'm getting to more, it's just taking me so long to get to it. It's like every time I get to writing about the action, my brain tells me to write more exposition. Yeah...well I'm hoping my brain allows me to get to the Malec eventually, hehe.
> 
> Can anyone guess what I'm getting at with the flower? I'd love to hear your theories (Love hearing those!) You guys are always so interesting with what you thinks going to happen.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets into some trouble. Malec's in there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back again! Again, sorry for the late update. Also, don't kill me about the dialogue, okay? It's the only way I know how to progress a story....

"What's troubling you now?"

Alec turned his head towards the voice. It was one that he knew intimately now as he couldn't get the man to leave. Not that he wanted to now anyway. Az was staring at him expectantly, and Alec couldn't find it in himself to deny the man an answer. He turned his head back to the flower bed that he had been inspecting. It was filled with perfect beauties. 

"I held a flower."

Az gave a thoughtful pause. He looked to the painted sky, and said, "I see."

At that, Alec stood up to face the man. The response had been too short, too simple. "Do you really? Do you know what it's like to hold something that fragile and not turn it to dust instantly?"

The man finally looked him in the eyes. They held an unbearable weight. "Yes."

Alec shivered. The man's eyes were aglow with power, but it wasn't malicious. No, it was...comforting? Serene? Compassionate? Alec couldn't decide. All he knew was that those eyes, those all too familiar eyes, were something that he would never forget. 

Silence descended upon the space. Unlike the other times, the strang-no, Az didn't give him any advice. Instead, he left Alec to just breathe in the space. Alec loathed that he didn't find the man bothersome anymore. He should. Hell, he should be trying to escape, but after the many visits from the man, Alec just felt at peace when in this strange space. So much so, that he almost craved that tranquility like a drug. 

Az broke him out of his thoughts. "Still...", Az began, "...something's on your mind. Something important." Again, Az read him so well. How? He didn't know. _Shouldn't I be scared?_ The resounding _No_ was ignored. 

"It's not something that can be fixed by my imaginary friend."

"Who said I was imaginary?" Alec whipped his head around to face the man. The man in question had one eyebrow raised as if in a challenge, and his hands were clasped together across his chest. His head was also tilted slightly up as if he was looking _down_ on Alec, just waiting for him to say otherwise.

"Well then, who are you?" He was interested now. Az had never seemed fake, but it was the only explanation that he could come up with. That or he was finally going crazy. _Death visions would do that to a person,_ mused Alec. 

"That, Alexander, is something that you must discover for yourself. Just know that I'm not fake by any means. Some people might view me as fake, but I'm very much real." Then, almost like an afterthought, Az added, "Especially to those that have reached the ending of it all." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Az just smirked. It wouldn't do for all of the information to be given freely and immediately. No, the boy had a ways to go after all. Especially, if he was to be facing _that_.

"What does it sound like to you, Alexander?" Az asked curiously. He thought he was being very clear about who he was- _what_ might be a better description-but Alec just continued to scowl at him. 

"It sounds like I'm talking to someone who loves being cryptic." Alec said. _One straight answer, that's all I_ _ask for. Really, was it that hard?_

Instead of getting offended like most did when Alec was sarcastic to them, Az just let out a deep laugh. That just further deepened his scowl. "Well, I do love being cryptic, but it seems that you've missed the mark on this one."

Alec didn't get a chance to ask about the meaning. Darkness was swallowing him, and Alec let himself drift into nothingness. 

That had been a couple of days ago. Nothing new had sprung up, but Alec wasn't about to chance it. His siblings had asked him if he was alright though. That felt nice. They had wondered why he hadn't shown up for patrols. He gave the simple answer of, "I needed air." 

Alec didn't tell them about the flower. 

It now sat on his desk in its own vase, reflecting the light unnaturally. It was still its muted orange, something that Alec found himself being captivated by. There were no brown spots festering on its petals, no wrinkling leaves falling from its stem. It amazed him to say the least. _Maybe amazement was the wrong word...confusing? perplexing? Intriguing?_ What exactly did he manage to do to the flower? Was it alive? Dead? Preserved? He just didn't know, and dissecting the flower was never going to happen. It was too special for that. No, he was going to keep that flower for however long he could. If not to figure out what he did, then to remind himself.

To remind himself that his power could be something more than just destruction.

Another change would be his sketchbook. He had finally moved it from its hiding place underneath his desk. It now sat underneath that plain vase, looking like an antique among its bleached surroundings. It fit perfectly. Moving it had been a challenge though. Not because it was heavy, but because it had just felt weird to have one of his most coveted items out in the open like this. It felt like he was _exposing_ himself to everyone's eyes, and the feeling of that exposure was enough to send a shiver down his spine. The distance might not have been big, but for Alec, it felt like an eternity to set it on his desk for all to see, to judge. The only thing reassuring him throughout the ordeal was the knowledge that the two closest people to him already knew. It wasn't like he could be outing his secret by accident. They knew and accepted it after all. 

With the closest people knowing, he just felt that hiding it was...unnecessary. _I don't have to hide it, so why should I?_ _That and the events were getting more frequent, more real._

Another thing he didn't tell his siblings about. 

Their reactions to the images hadn't been the best. How could he show them more? Especially if all they did was react with horror. He already had to _live_ through the damn things, he didn't need his siblings worrying too. And it wasn't just the graphics, no everything had just been getting more...intense. The pain was more real, the smells, the feelings, everything. The only silver lining in everything was Az. Of course he wouldn't tell the man that. That would only make the man more insufferable. But, Alec couldn't help but wait for the garden to appear now. 

Alec shook his head with a frown, bringing himself back to reality. He was out patrolling since he hadn't shown up for patrols a couple of days ago. Apparently, since his siblings had covered for him, he needed to cover for them now. A fair trade is what they called it. Just thinking of their reasoning had his frown morphing into a glare. _As if I never cover for them._ He's covered for them multiple times, but each time is met with indifference. _Eventually_ , he tells himself, _I'll make them grateful._ A smaller voice gives a scoff, _I doubt it._ Alec winces _, Yeah, not going to happen._

The alleyway that he had chosen to look through was turning out to be empty. With a sigh, Alec made his way back to the entrance, but not before he heard the loud crack of shattering concrete. Swinging around quickly, Alec knocked an arrow. Tight spaces were never a good option for a bow, but he's never let that stop him before. The demon swiftly made itself known when it lunged from the shadows. It was a black mass of stinking filth with four large claws and a gaping mouth. A loud growl sounded off into the enclosed space. Alec didn't flinch, but he did notice one key thing _. The demon in front of me didn't open its_ _mouth_. Alec looked around and sure enough, a second demon was crawling towards him in a crouch. And a third. A fourth was there too, its luminescent eyes giving it away. 

Fuck.

Of course, he had to get a pack demon when he was alone. Him and his damn luck. It was a busy night, so that left nobody available to patrol with him. That combined with his supposed debt to his siblings had left him alone tonight. Alec could stand there for hours cursing his luck, but a growl broke through his thoughts. The demons were inching closer, obviously trying to corner him. Luckily, Alec hadn't moved away from the entrance, so the demons couldn't fully circle around him. _Thank the Angel for small mercies, right?_

Turns out he shouldn't have been thinking like that, but he wouldn't find that out until much later.

Within a second, Alec was letting his arrows fly. The first one went down with ease. A well placed headshot always did the job. The second and third quickly followed suit, but the fourth was a bit trickier. If he didn't know any better, he would say the damn thing was hiding. Alec quietly stalked through the alleyway, his advantage being forgotten entirely. It was only one demon, right? The alleyway was littered with bins of varying sizes, so the demon could be anywhere, hiding behind anything. Alec knocked an arrow. His body was pulled taunt, but he never stopped. He was so focused in fact, that he didn't hear the subtle thud behind him. No, he instead felt the damn thing before he heard it. A claw came down on his shoulder, shredding through his clothing and flesh with ease. His quiver was knocked off his back as well, the precious arrows scattering across the ground. A searing pain engulfed Alec. While distracted, the fourth demon decided to join in. It knocked his bow out of his hand, and lunged at his stunned legs. Alec found himself on his back which just made his back flare up. A scream was ripped from his throat as the fourth demon clamped down on his leg, its teeth tearing through the sinew and muscle. Alec wasn't able to think. All of his senses were _screaming_ in pain _._

It was instinct really. 

His seraph blades were too far away, and his control was too loose. 

A wave of cold was sent out. It wasn't quite as big as the warehouse, but it did its job. The two demons immediately disintegrated, and Alec was freed. What he wasn't though, was freed from the pain. Alec let out another anguished cry. He couldn't think clearly. Everything was just pain, so when a figure crouched down next to him, Alec didn't fight them. He was barely lucid after all, his consciousness only staying awake due to sheer will power. Distantly, Alec could tell that the figure was talking to him. It was saying things like "darling" and "Alexander". What he truly got was the feelings behind the words. They were full of worry and compassion. 

_When was the last time someone said things to him like that?_

Black quickly invaded his vision, and his body finally slumped in exhaustion. 

Magnus didn't know why he had decided to take a walk. Call it Fate or Destiny, but that didn't stop him from thanking every deity above and below that he had. He was currently clutching at an injured shadowhunter's clothing like a lifeline. The shadowhunter in question? It was Alexander. How Alexander had found himself bloodied in an alleyway, Magnus could only guess, but the one thing he did know was that if he didn't get this man somewhere safe, he would most likely bleed out. From what he could see, the shadowhunter had multiple injuries and possible demon poison running rampant in his system. Alexander's pale skin was already starting to look translucent, and his breath was becoming shallow. Sweat dotted his brow, and the full lips that Magnus had appreciated from afar were chapped from his ragged breathing. 

Really, it was a split second decision. 

With Alexander's boiling body, he swiftly made a portal directly into his loft, and carried him through. The siblings would be contacted of course, but for right now, he had a man to save. 

Magnus laid out Alexander on his bed again, and started to pour every last bit of magic into his body. His magic was screaming with how distraught he was, but Magnus didn't let it distract him. It flared bright blue as it sparked from his hands, and dived immediately into the body below him. Slowly, he drew the poison out of Alexander's body, not stopping until the scans came back completely clean. Next, he turned to the actual injuries. _There were so many._ Magnus mentally shook himself. _Don't think like that, he's going to be fine. Great even._ But Magnus couldn't keep this up forever. Healing him wasn't as difficult as Luke was, but his magic was dwindling. The usually bright blue sparks were starting to turn into a dull, muted grey, and the sparks themselves were becoming sparse. _I won't be enough,_ Magnus thought. That didn't stop him from trying to stitch the man up. No, it just pushed him to greater heights. Every last spark, every last drop of magic went into Alexander's body until Magnus had nothing left to give. _Why am I doing this?_ Magnus' mind whispered. _Because he's special,_ another voice answered. Magnus collapsed against Alec's body, and let out deep, ragged breaths, trying in vain to get his breathing back under control. Slowly, he felt his eyelids droop until they were left fluttering helplessly. 

He could only curse his bleeding heart as his mind went blank.

Surprisingly, Magnus woke up first. Magic depletion was no joke, but Magnus couldn't find it in himself to mind. Especially if this shadowhunter was the cause of it. The last time he'd seen the wounds, they had been half closed at best, but not bleeding at least. Now, the skin that used to be torn to shreds just looked slightly irritated. _Do shadowhunters have an impressive healing factor?_ , Magnus found himself wondering. Despite his impressive age, Magnus just didn't know much about shadowhunters. Sure, he knew a few things like the runes and government system. Those were easy. What wasn't easy were the specifics. Magnus pulled back from those thoughts. _They weren't important anyways._ He looked to the alarm clock that sat by his bed. It read 12 am on the digital surface. _Would it be rude to call the siblings now? Probably not, they're probably looking for the man right now,_ sighed Magnus. Although another voice, smaller in comparison, whispered, _They probably don't even know that he's gone._

Scratching his head, Magnus looked away from the sleeping body. Just as he was wondering what he should do, Magnus heard the sleeping figure murmur in his sleep. 

"...what?"

"Hello darling, we really must stop meeting like this. I would much prefer seeing you on a date rather than passed out in my bed." Magnus said. There was no way that this shadowhunter was going to be leaving without any teasing. This was the second time that they'd been in bed together after all. 

Barely lucid enough to blink, Alec just stared ahead confused, "M'gns? Wy'r you here?" 

"Well it's a funny story really. I was passing by an alley when I heard someone cry out in pain. I followed it and one thing led to another and now we're here."

Again, Alec couldn't muster up the energy, so instead he said, "mm'glad. Ur'always nice to look at."

Magnus couldn't help but blush a little at that. _Curse this shadowhunter and his innocence!_ Instead of saying that, Magnus just says, "Well, darling the feeling is mutual though I wish that we could see each other without the other being injured." Under his breath he adds, "And preferably with less clothes."

"...sssame. Wish I could see you anytime."

Magnus perked up. "Ohhh really?"

"Yeah, would like to see you."

He knew that he shouldn't. The shadowhunter was clearly not fully awake, but Magnus couldn't resist, "Why can't you?"

"Can't, forbidden. Dangerous too, got no control around you..." Alec drifted off again, his breath evening out into gentle snores, and Magnus just continued to look down at the heart-stealing nephilim with adoration. 

_Interesting._

Alec didn't want to open his eyes. 

He just knew that he was in the garden again, but this time it wasn't for fun. The anger rolling off of Az was thick enough to cut, and Alec didn't know if he was ready for that type of wrath yet. 

"Alexander." Az's voice was deathly quiet, a forced calm that spoke volumes about his fury. Alec couldn't help but give a shudder.

Finally opening his eyes, Alec got a good look at the man. His eyes told him all that he needed to know. "Yes?"

"What were you thinking?!" Az threw his hands up in exasperation. This boy was going to be the death of him, and that was truly an exceptional feat. 

"What do you mean?" Alec wasn't trying to play dumb, but he really didn't know what Az was getting at. 

Az pinched his brow at that. "You were surrounded by five demons, all of which were venomous. Not once did you try to stop them with your power when that would have been the easiest and best option to do. And before you say anything, that instinctual surge does not count."

Now Alec was getting angry. Pointing at Az, Alec said, "To be fair, I didn't know that there were five. I counted four. The other one just surprised me. That's all." Az gave Alec a look, but before he could interrupt, Alec continued, "I'm a shadowhunter. We're meant to fight the demons. With weapons, not special powers. Also, I can't control it, you know that. What was I supposed to do, let it all loose, and hope that I didn't kill anybody? You know I can't do that!" 

"Boy, that is not what I was suggesting, and you know it." Az seethed. He had crossed his arms again, but this time, it wasn't to challenge him. 

"Well, that's how I'm hearing it, so why don't you tell me what I was supposed to do, huh!" It was Alec's turn to throw up his arms. _This guy was impossible!,_ Alec grumbled. What was he supposed to do? He just couldn't risk it like that. Sure, he could throw a wave out there, hoping that it didn't hit anybody, but knowing his luck, he'll manage to hit at least a couple of people. 

"How about just sending out a small wave, huh?"

"I don't know how to do that!" Alec yelled back. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his arms shaking from the tension. Frustration crept over him, and his eyes began to burn. _No, not like this. I won't lose it here._ It had begun to creep up on him. The slow sensation of waves beginning to crest within him had him scrambling for control, but Alec didn't let Az see this. No, he kept his mask on with a firm resolve. 

Silence reigned in the space. Az didn't look quite as angry now. No, he almost looked...guilty? 

"...I see." 

Alec crumpled into himself. Despite having this power for half his life, he hadn't ever really tested it out. Every time he came close to seeing his limits, Alec had thought about the Greenhouse Incident. It was enough to deter any experimenting on his part. Now though, now all he felt was shame. Should he have experimented? Maybe he should have used it more.

The curling sensation in his gut just kept telling him otherwise.

"Look, Az, I'm sorry about yelling. You're right about it being the easier option, but I just...I just don't know how, okay? I haven't really experimented with it. Just the thought of losing control..." Alec trailed off, but from Az's face, he had said all that he needed to. 

Az looked down in thought. Moments passed in contemplative silence as Az seemed to be debating with himself. Finally coming to a decision, he looked up again into Alec's waiting eyes, "Alright. Next time you're here, we'll try exploring."

Alec did a double take. "What?" 

"You heard me, we'll explore it, so that when you get into another situation like this, you'll at least be prepared."

Alec's mind was reeling. Why was Az offering this? What did he have to gain from this? How were they going to do this? "Why?"

"Because, Alexander, you need this, and I just so happen to be able to help you."

Alec raised an eyebrow at that, "How are you able to help me with this? You've never explained how you know about me and what I can do. Just who are you?"

"Again, that's for you to figure out yourself. I'm just here to help."

"But why? Why are you here to help? Why am I so special to you?" Alec's voice steadily raised itself until he was basically yelling the last question. 

"You're special to me because I care about you."

"But why do you care for me? Before the warehouse, we were complete strangers. In fact, we're still strangers to each other, yet you seem to know a lot about me. Stuff that even I don't know about myself!"

"Now Alexander, I would have thought that we moved past the stranger stage." Az said. His hand was placed over his heart in mock hurt. Alec wasn't playing though. 

"Well I haven't! It takes a lot more than some words to get me to trust people, okay?"

"Then why have you been sharing with me?" Az couldn't help it. Alexander clearly had trouble with this stuff, so what if he decided to play devil's advocate? The last thought made him smirk. _God, I love that expression._

"I. Don't. Know." Alec gritted out, and all at once, the fight and aggression left him. He didn't want to do this with Az, the one person who somehow understood him. Alec's shoulders slumped, and he averted his eyes to the ground while his hand began to absentmindedly play with the flowers. After that, Az didn't push. Instead, he walked over, and placed a hand on Alec's shoulder. It wasn't intrusive or controlling. No, Alec found himself leaning into the touch because of the sheer _familiarity_ of it. Somehow, this man felt like home, something that he hadn't been able to experience for quite some time. 

When Alexander didn't push him away, Az took that as permission to sit down next to the boy. He kept his hand on Alexander's shoulder until it became impossible to do so, but only to quickly replace that touch with his shoulder.

So, they both sat there, shoulder to shoulder, thinking about their own troubles. At least, they did that until the world was calling Alexander back, leaving Az sitting there alone, staring at the box of beauties that his precious nephilim seemed to adore. 

Decay began to take the space quickly, but Az still stayed. He usually left when Alexander did, but today, he wanted to stay. He didn't know why. He didn't care enough to figure it out either. All that he knew was that he wanted to stay in this space for just a little bit longer. It was Alexander's space after all. Contrary to what he had said to Alexander during that first meeting, he didn't actually help to create the space. He couldn't have. The plants held such perfect detail while the air itself was alive with life. The space was made with _reference_ , something that he just didn't have.

He couldn't be prouder. Honestly. It truly was magnificent even in his inexperienced eyes. 

Az smiled. The space was so perfect in fact, that he bet that the others wouldn't be able to tell the difference between this and an actual garden. That is, if he wasn't anywhere near it because the only clue that this space was fake was his presence after all. The last of the space began to crumble, leaving Az in the oblivion thinking about the irony of it all.

_Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, Alexander. You best listen while you still can._

When Alec woke up, he wasn't nearly as surprised as he should have been. 

The first thing that he registered was the silken sheets that seemed to cling to his lanky frame. They were a shimmering gold, and unnaturally comfortable. 

The second thing that he registered was that he was not alone. 

Magnus sat off to the side, drifting off and on, trying in vain to stay awake. Alec took his time. Should he wake Magnus up? Maybe he should just slip out before he wakes? 

Before Alec could make up his mind, Magnus stirred. It took him a minute, but slowly, Magnus came back online. "....xander?"

Alec couldn't help but give the man a small smile. He really was just too much, but in a good way. "Hey Magnus." 

"Alexander! You're awake! How are you feeling? Does anything still feel off? A man needs to know these things when talking to his patient!" Alec just gave a raised eyebrow. Magnus had said all of that without a single break, and Alec was still trying to understand what he'd been asked. 

"Uhhhh I'm feeling fine, thank you. Nothing feels off either so no worries there." By this point, Alec was sitting up right in the bed. He looked down, and gave a startled sound when he found himself shirtless. Quickly, he pulled the covers up. Shadowhunters weren't really self-conscious about their bodies, but nothing was ever that simple with Magnus. He made him feel new things, so why not take his body confidence too?

Magnus just gave a short chuckle. "Oh don't get dressed on my account darling." When Alec began to frantically pull his shirt over his head, Magnus let out a huff and said, "...well I liked what I saw." He finished that off by giving his door a sideways glance, and fiddling with his silver ear cuff. He usually wasn't so self-conscious about flirting, but Alexander Lightwood always managed to turn him into a fluttering mess. With a single look no less. It was even better when Alec gave him his signature blush. It was a vibrant scarlet that left nothing on his face untouched. Even the tips of ears were covered in it. 

Who could resist that?

When neither jumped in however, a tense silence filled the air. Alec found that it wasn't harsh or aggressive. It was just...heavy. The air seemed to sit between the two of them, just waiting for one to do something. Static jumped between the two of them, charging the air with a hum. Or at least, that's how Alec imagined it was. He didn't know what to do with this. It just made him clench his fists tighter, wrinkling the silk sheets further. Magnus continued to play with his ear cuff. Moments stretched on as if the air had become honey, each moment clinging to the last before separating in a mess. 

Alec couldn't take it any longer. 

"Magnus-"

"Alexander-"

Turns out he wasn't the only one feeling the weird tension in the air. 

"Magnus, I just wanted to say thank you for patching me up-"

"What exactly did I patch you up from, if you don't mind me asking. I know that injuries can be a bit...touchy for you."

Alec let out a huff, "I was out alone patrolling when I stumbled on a pack demon. I counted four, but then I let my guard down. A fifth one jumped me while the fourth took a bite out of my leg." Alec gave a shrug after. It wasn't really anything too exciting if he was being honest with himself. With the way the Magnus talked about it, one would think that Alec took down an entire nest by himself. 

"Anyways I just wanted to say thank you again, but I've really gotta go. My siblings must be worried."

Magnus tried his best. He really did, but the wince crept up on him before he could suppress it. The crestfallen look that crossed Alexander's face wasn't any easier to gaze at. "....I see."

"I sent a fire message out two hours ago. The reply I got was 'Thank you for looking after our brother again. We're a bit held up with something else, so we might not get there in time to pick him up. Mind magicking him a portal?' Surprisingly, that has got to be one of the nicest fire messages that I've gotten. Especially when fire messaging with you nephilim." said Magnus. The mood lifter didn't quite work, but Alexander still gave an appreciative smile. "Alexander-"

"It's fine." That's all that the shadowhunter said before he moved with a careful grace, and walked to the bedroom door. Magnus called out, "Your gear is in the hallway! I even cleaned it!" The smile that he got in return was blinding, and Magnus couldn't help but want to be the sole reason behind that smile every time. 

Again, that heavy feeling crept into the air. Alec was standing just outside Magnus' loft with Magnus himself standing in the doorway. His hands were fidgeting at his sides, and his eyes kept dropping down to Magnus' lips. Unconsciously, he licked his own, and Magnus couldn't help but be captivated. The air wasn't uncomfortable; it was oppressing. It was like it was pushing him towards the other man, and Alec couldn't help but go along with it. Suddenly, he found himself mere inches away from Magnus, looking deep into those eyes. They were a warm, hazelnut brown with so much depth. _How easy it would be to drown in them,_ thought Alec, _I could look at this man for hours._ He wanted that too. He wanted to hold this man close to his body. He wanted to touch him and cherish him. 

His body was urging him forward, wanting him to take, to seize what he desired, but his mind was in a completely different place. It was a minefield of possibilities, each more gruesome than the last. The Greenhouse Incident flashed across his mind, but instead of Izzy, Magnus was the one shivering from the invisible cold. Next came the battlefield, but all Alec could see was Magnus' face on every corpse that he came across. 

_I shouldn't do this. Magnus doesn't know what I can do. He's ignorant to everything. How can I bring him into this? How can I involve this amazing man into my problems, my afflictions? It isn't right. I should turn around, and never come back._ _This is too dangerous. He's too close. I'll hurt him, I know it._ _What if I lose control? What about the Clave? They'll derune me, strip me of everything that I've worked for. Who will protect Izzy? Jace? Max?_ _I can't be with a man much less a downworlder._

_I shouldn't._

_I couldn't._

_I CAN'T._

Magnus thought that he was finally getting somewhere with Alexander. He didn't know if the shadowhunter was aware of it, but he kept creeping forward. Magnus wasn't about to stop him either. Just as he was sure that Alec would lean down and kiss him, the man pulled back sharply. The look in his eyes was frantic and panicked. Without so much as a goodbye, Alec turned away from the warlock, and raced down the hallway. Not once did he look back. Magnus just stood there in stunned silence. It would be impossible for him to not feel hurt, but Magnus thought that he could understand.

Alexander was interested. That he was sure of. 

What he wasn't sure of was the reason why Alexander held himself back. Why was Alexander denying himself and them of what could be? Was it the Clave? Was it something else? It might not be the 19th century anymore, but Magnus knew that the Clave would say otherwise with their homophobic teachings and rules. He could understand the internal conflict of desires versus duties. But, he couldn't help but feel exasperated. They had something here, something that felt _real_.

His mind went in circles after that. Usually, he'd get the person out of his system. Seduce them, sleep with them, then leave before they woke up. It was an easy process, one that had worked for him in his four centuries of existence. 

But something told him that Alexander wasn't simply a one night stand. _Is that why I'm waiting? I've been expecting the shadowhunter to come to me eventually, desire being one hell of a beast to control, but maybe I should go to him?_ Magnus shook his head. _No, that wouldn't work. Alexander is still firmly in the closet, and from the looks of it...innocent._

His mind was set alight however. 

_I do love a challenge after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think this needs to be said, but I've never been in a relationship before, so the Malec conversation is just me guessing. Tell me how I did. I'm dying to know if I actually made a good conversation between the two, or if I just put a bunch of cringe on this word doc hehe.....
> 
> Things are going to start rolling though. Once I get Malec set up, the action should pick up (That's a big if on the Malec though. I'm finding it really hard to write them because of how much I want it to be perfect....but no matter, I will prevail!)
> 
> Here's another update: I will be going out of town for five days without a computer, so don't expect an update next week. If I do update, it'll be shorter than what I've been putting out, or I'll do a double chapter for the week after. I don't really know yet, but I'll decide eventually.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Izzy heart-to-heart
> 
> Some demons get in the way though
> 
> Az finally gives him those lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, I'm not dead. At least, I don't think so.....  
> Anyways, I know that this is really late, but with everything starting up again, I haven't had the time or will power to write. Hopefully you guys understand. But, besides that, I'm back!

How he kept finding himself like this, was a mystery. 

Currently, he stood in front of his sister's door, fist raised to knock. He hadn't yet, but he'd been standing there close to an hour at this point. Every time he tried to knock, something would come along, and fill his mind with doubt so strong that he'd go back to pacing. He was a shadowhunter, for Raziel's sake. This wasn't even a problem that he should have. He, Alec Lightwood, the Head of the Institute-acting part aside-did not need help with _boys._

He kept telling himself that in hopes of actually believing it. 

Just as he was about to give up on the plan entirely, Izzy poked her head out with a smirk, "Boy troubles?" _Damn her sister's intuition,_ Alec thought with a grimace. Instead of bothering with a response, he gave an undignified grunt before crashing down, face-first, onto Isabelle's covers. He then proceeded to sprawl out too. The short laugh didn't go unnoticed either. "I'm guessing that that's a 'yes' then. What happened?"

He fixed her with a glare, "What makes you think that anything happened?"

"For one, you've been moping all day. The only thing that gets me that sad is relationship drama." She didn't need to say anything else. Alec had been caught. 

A moment passed until he admitted, "I ran away." 

"Ran away?"

"After our...talk yesterday, I went to Magnus'. We talked and stuff." A wistful smile broke its way across his face, "It was nice."

"What happened then? Clearly, you were enjoying whatever it was. What went wrong?"

"Me." When Izzy didn't question him further, he continued, "It's just, Magnus makes me feel out of control. We got to saying our goodbyes, and I just kinda freaked." Embarrassed, Alec went back to pushing his face into Izzy's bed. A muffled, "God, he must hate me now." was barely audible, but she still heard it. 

"He doesn't hate you, hermano. I don't think he's actually capable of that." The control bit had her thinking though. "Why would being out of control be a _bad_ thing?" she questioned. The look she got in return wasn't too impressed. 

"Iz, you and I both know why me being out of control is just plain bad."

"Well brother dearest, enlighten me then because I'm not quite getting it." she replied with a smirk. It was her job as the little sister to get a rise out of him after all. So what, if she was a smart ass? _It's literally my job, isn't it?_

Alec paused. How could he explain everything? Slowly and tentatively, he said, "It's because...It's got to do with _that."_ He waved a hand in front of his eyes, hoping that Izzy got his meaning. A sigh of relief left him when he saw understanding pass through her eyes. 

"I see." What else could she say to that? Really, there wasn't much. "Is that really your only reservation? I mean, Alec, you're my control freak of a big brother. There's really nothing else?" 

"Hey, I'm not a control freak, alright." Alec whined, but even to his ears, it sounded weak. Isabelle leveled a _look_ at him at that. _Not a control freak my ass. Alec is the definition of a control freak,_ she thought. "Fine...I can get a little controlling sometimes, but not all the time!" When Isabelle's glare didn't lighten up, he conceded, "Yes! Yes! Alright, it is about the lack of control, but it's not what you think, really. Usually, I'm pretty good about not having control. I've seen far too much to actually believe or think like that. What I do know is that, when it comes to me, I've got little to no control. And, I just...I couldn't handle it if I h-hurt him. Even accidentally. God, it would crush me..." She felt her heart break ever so slightly at Alec's quiet admission. For the first time in a long time, she was finally seeing her brother, not the Head of the Institute, not the Clave's perfect soldier. Honestly, to her, this was as precious as gold. 

"I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this. I mean, I should be able to figure this out, right? Just, why is it so hard to understand Iz?" 

That snapped her out of her thoughts, "No, Alec, I'm here. I'm _happy_ to help. Anytime and anywhere, got that?" The small nod was enough for her. For now at least. 

"Izzy, what should I do?" He sounded so hopeless, so lost, that she got up, and walked over to her brother to wrap her arms around him. She knew that it was especially bad because he actually leaned into the touch instead of tensing immediately. 

"I think that you should go for it. Screw the Clave. Screw our parents. Screw having control. It would be a shame to ignore whatever this is between the two of you just because of fear."

"That's easier said than done." Alec grumbled, yet there wasn't any heat behind the words. That and it being muffled by Isabelle's arm made her smile. 

"I know, hermano. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy. In fact, I think it's going to be the furthest thing from easy, but this thing with Magnus? It's yours, and I think that you should seize it before it manages to slip away."

Alec allowed himself a small smile while he felt his resolve fasten in place. 

\------------------------------------------

"Is everything ready?" It wasn't really a question. At least, not really. His subordinates knew that too.

"Yes sir!" Resounded across the wide space, the unified sounds reverberating across the space. 

"Lovely." The man turned to another. He stared down at the bound man with cruel abandon. A dirty strip of clothing hung tied from his neck, and a length of harsh rope shackled the man's wrists together behind a chair. His feet were in a similar position too. _What a sight to behold._ His lips curled themselves into a wicked leer, "Father, do look. I've worked so hard on this, and it would be a shame for my masterpiece to go unnoticed." The responding glare didn't ruin the elation that he felt. 

With a clap, the leader startled the others into action. For a teenager, the leader was terrifying. Especially with those eyes of his. The Circle members cleared out of the space, leaving only their leader and the former. A summoning circle was revealed, the runes blood red. He began to chant, his tongue flowing through the foreign language with ease until a spark could be seen. It started small enough, but grew with each minute. Silence took the space, slowly crawling through, and canceling the little sounds of life. It didn't stop their leader though. No, it just spurred him on. The members shivered. Every last one of them could feel the room's tension tighten, coming ever closer to _snapping._

And just like a snap, a rift ripped open with a loud tear. 

It was a large one. Greater demon large to be exact. Even from far away, the hellfires of Edom could be felt. Fear kept the members in place, but in each of their minds, escape was the only thing worth thinking of. Demons spewed forth, each in a bid to escape into their world, but were quickly pushed back by an unseen force. That force didn't remain nameless for long. Spindly legs thrust through the rift, followed closely by a set of long arms. A torso came next, its ribs sticking out against its paper thin skin. A shock of jet black hair was the last. Their leader just gave a small smile. 

"Mother!" 

The demon looked down with something akin to wonder. Had he summoned the wrong demon? The followers were frozen by anticipation. 

"Jonathan, what a pleasant surprise." Even the voice was deathly. 

"Surprise? You wound me mother." The man placed a hand over his heart dramatically. _No, no, this wouldn't do!_ "What else was I to do? We're losing. Badly. And, you're the only support we've got left."

"What about him." The demon jutted her chin out towards the captive. 

"Oh, him? He's been...compromised." 

A mirthless laugh filled the space. "Compromised? That is what you call me, child? Tell Lilith about how it really is." He looked to Lilith, and said, "I've been replaced."

"Now this-" The demon pointed back and forth between the two manically, "-is interesting. You, Valentine Morgenstern, have been dethroned?" Lilith gloated. She opened her mouth to speak again when she felt a shift. A quick look at the ground brought her the answers. A glare took root on her face, she snapped her head up, "You stupid boy, this circle is unstable! What were you thinking!" He didn't get to answer. Suddenly, Lilith was no longer there, instead replaced by multitudes of demons. 

"Everyone, move out!" He turned to Valentine, and growled, "You're coming with me." A warlock stepped up to them. Her eyes were as flat as flint and equally dead while black webs could be seen against her pale skin. "You know what to do!", he snapped. With Valentine in hand, he stepped through the portal, leaving the chaos behind. 

\------------------------------------------

_Not how I thought my day would go._

A demon made its way to him, and with a turn and a twist, he cut the demon to pieces. Inchor splashed out, and doused his clothing. Not that it made much of a difference. His clothes were soaked to the bone by this point. Just as he thought he found a moment to breath, another jumped out at him, begging for a fight. _This rift just keeps on giving, huh,_ Alec thought with a frown. 

The call had come in not an hour after his heart-to-heart with Isabelle. He'd been switching between pacing, and looking up at the ceiling for answers when the demon alarms had rung out.

The rift was big.

Greater demon sized big. 

Arriving at the scene was worse than the scramble for gear if he was being honest. The space, though large, was _swarming_ with demons, each bigger than the last. There were so many in fact, that he couldn't even get to a perch for his bow. Straight out the gate, the demons had attacked. Strategies flew out the window at that point. Truly, the only reason why they _hadn't_ been overrun yet, was that Magnus had come along as well. He didn't know why or how yet, but something told him that his siblings might have had a hand in it. Their poker faces weren't exactly great after all. _Seriously, how did my parents expect Izzy to be the diplomat? She can't lie! At least, not realistically!_

A bolt of magic zipped past him, killing an incoming fiend. He sent the warlock a silent 'thank you' before turning back around.

He had a fight to win.

Except, he didn't get that chance. 

He heard a cry sound off in the distance, the direction being close to where Magnus had set up. A jab of his sword there, a swing overhead, next thing he knew, he was racing over to the fallen warlock. Alec fell to his knees, his hands reaching out to cradle the man. His usually so composed figure was battle worn, and he could see his glamour flickering. "Magnus! What's wrong? Where'd you get hit? Can you heal it? Do you need my-" He was silenced with a brush of a hand.

Magnus couldn't help the fond look in his eyes even if he tried. 

"Alexander, I'm fine. A demon managed to get past a shield of mine, and got me in the leg." He raised his hand again. Alec, upon hearing about the injured leg, started to speak again. "...I'm fine. I healed it. See?" A wave of a hand, and a pointed look managed to calm the shadowhunter down. Alec was still tense, but he didn't look panicked at least. 

"Good, that's...that's good."

"Worried?"

Alec felt himself flush slightly at Magnus' tone. Flirtatious didn't even begin to cover it. "...Maybe. How could I not be when I heard you cry out like that?"

"Oh Alexander, my knight in shining armor."

"...Only if you want." Alec said. It was a bit muffled due to him biting his lip, but from Magnus' expression, the sentiment had been received loud and clear. 

"Alexander...did you just flirt with me?"

"If I did, what would you do about it?" He had diverted his gaze long ago to the ground. But, for this he looked up briefly. The small flicker of hope that had been growing since his time with Izzy bloomed when Magnus' eyes met his. 

"I, would do this." Magnus whispered, and slowly, ever so slowly, he raised his head.

Alec didn't let him get far. 

Before he could overthink, before he could back out, Alec brought his lips to Magnus'. Vaguely, he thought he heard a shout or a whistle, but he was too far gone already to care. Magnus' lips were soft against his, and Alec didn't fight it when his hands reached out to cup the equally soft face. The world dissolved around him, and the only thing left standing was _this._ All too quickly, they had to stop for breath, but even then, they didn't part far from each other. They breathed each other in with every single breath, and finally they were brought back together by their magnetic pull. 

Where as the first kiss had been hesitant, soft, chast, this kiss was hard and tinged with desperation. A soft groan left Alec when he felt the brush of Magnus' tongue against his bottom lip, but before they could continue, he felt a hand slap down onto his shoulder. 

"Alec, while I did say go for it, I didn't quite mean it literally."

"Yeah parabatai, I don't know if you've noticed, but we are on a mission." Jace said with a smirk. 

Turns out, he'd severely overestimated the rift. That, or the rift had finally run dry because there wasn't a demon left in the place. He could feel eyes drilling into the back of his head, but he ignored them for now. He ducked his head in embarrassment, "Sorry guys, guess I got caught up." 

"Oh darling, I think you got a little bit more than 'caught up'." Alec didn't even need to turn around to know that Magnus had a smirk plastered across his face. Suppressing a groan, he got up, and surveyed the scene. Luckily, not too many were paying much attention to them, but the eyes that he could feel hadn't quite left him yet. With a sigh, he turned back to Magnus with a smile. "Duty calls. I've got to go, but..." Nervously, he brought his hand up to the back of his neck, and continued with, "...but I would like to see you later. To talk and stuff."

"I couldn't agree more, Alexander." They didn't bother the rest with a response, but the eye rolls and mouthed 'Alexanders' didn't go unseen either. Alec turned back towards the circle. 

He had a rift to examine. 

The runes were what stood out to him the most. 

He got the feeling that they were ancient, old in ways that he couldn't understand. They almost reminded him of Az if he was being honest with himself. The second thing that caught his attention was just how _wrong_ the runes were. They were scrawled across the room in a controlled chaos almost, and the liquid was apparent enough. But, no that wasn't what was _wrong_ to him. To be completely honest, it was the god damn _placement_. 

"Alec!" That snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned to see Izzy looking up at him in concern. She walked closer to him, and whispered, "Why the grimace?"

"What grimace?" 

She leveled a look at him, and said, "Your face? It's set in a _very_ deep frown that one could only describe as a grimace. So, why the grimace?"

"Iz, this entire thing feels wrong to me."

"No shit. This thing spewed demons for what felt like hours, and it's been clearly drawn in blood. I'd honestly be _worried_ if this didn't set off any alarms in that head of yours."

"No, Iz you don't-"

"Alec, we've got something!" He didn't bother finishing the thought. She wouldn't get it anyways. He ran up to Jace who was looking down at a ring. It was customized, and gingerly, Alec bent down to pick up the piece of jewelry. 

"Magnus!" He yelled over his shoulder. "How's your magic? Do you have enough to use a tracking spell?"

"Why of course, dear. Not doubting my abilities now, are you?"

Alec sputtered, "N-No! Of course not!" 

"Never fear darling, I'll get this person found before you know it." Magnus took the ring into his hands. A blue glow shrouded them, and Magnus had his head bent down in concentration. A grimace formed before long, and after a moment, a loud "Damn it!" was uttered by the warlock. Alec gave the man an upturned eyebrow in response. Magnus huffed, "I'm getting nothing. It's either that this person is over water or they're...." He didn't need to fill in the blank. There were only two ways that a tracking spell didn't work. 

And the warehouse wasn't anywhere close to a river. 

"Alright, well I'm putting my bets on the Circle. It's gotta be them, right? Who else would be doing summons like these? It's either that, or some poor mundane who accidentally picked up a spell book." Jace said bluntly. 

"Maybe this is what they'd been preparing for?" Izzy said, speaking out loud. For weeks, their sensors had been going off nonstop until suddenly, they stopped. The blank period had them all scratching their heads, but now it seemed that the Circle was finally making its move. 

"I think you're right. Explains the strange abruptness of everything at least." Alec felt more than saw the resounding agreements. He looked up, and said, "I think that everything though. We should head back to the Institute. Run through what the runes mean, and see what they were trying to summon." He turned to Magnus, and with a small smile said, "Before I go, can we...talk?" 

"Of course, Alexander. You didn't even need to ask." 

The warehouse was virtually empty by this point. The stragglers were just leaving when he had finally pulled Magnus to the side. 

"So...about the kiss..." Alec trailed off. He looks up to see panic flare in Magnus' eyes. "Wait! No, that's not what I meant! I...uh-it's not like that, I swear! Ummmm...."

"Do you regret it?"

Alec snapped his eyes wide, "No! Never! It's just...Magnus, I've never done _this_ before, but...I want to see where this goes. All my life, I've been trying to... to make it from one point to the next, and keep everything precise. Controlled. But with you, you make me feel out of control, in a good way. In a way that I've never felt. It's just..."

"It's just that everything seems to be getting in the way?" Magnus answered. 

"Yeah, but I still want to see where this goes, Magnus. I want to try. For you, for me, for _us._ " 

Magnus smiled up at the stuttering shadowhunter, and said, "Well, I think we've got a date to plan, don't we?" 

The radiant smile in response took his breath away, and Magnus couldn't wait to see where this went as well. 

\------------------------------------------

_Gift, my ass._ _How could Jace ever want this?!_

Alec didn't really get much time to think about it. He was too busy dodging the platinum demon instead. The guy made another attempt at his leg which he swiftly dodged, but not before losing his balance for a moment. Of course, the guy was smart enough to use it. A line of fire burned its way across his torso. _It's always the torso._ What he wasn't expecting was the cooling sensation of.... _something_ to wash over him. And clearly the other man wasn't either. Alec pressed until he had the man at sword point. He couldn't keep the grimace off his face when his mouth spoke for him, "Why? Why do all of this? Surely, he couldn't have been that bad?"

"Stupid, Naive Nephilim. You have no idea what I've been through. This-" He took a pointed look at the blade to his throat, "-is nothing." And Alec stood there. The hellfire that mirrored his frost so perfectly grew until it looked to consume him. He couldn't look away. 

"I may be naive, but at least I've got hope."

"Yeah? Where's that hope gotten you? Pain and Despair." And with that, the man kicked out his legs. Alec lost his balance, and with one final swipe, the fiery-eyed man finished him. 

"Fun dreams?"

Alec shot Az a glare before picking himself up with a grunt. His torso still felt sensitive, and their conversation was on repeat in his head. "Sure, I just had the best dream _ever._ "

The sheepish look he got in return helped a bit. "Fine, alright, I guess that was a bit much, but can you blame me?"

"Yes, yes I can." Was what he answered immediately with a scowl. When Az didn't look to be talking again, he turned to the garden that he had grown accustomed to. Except, it was different. A lot different. The planter boxes were shunted off to the side, and the hanging plants had been relocated to the perimeter. The large fruit trees seemed to have disappeared all together, and Alec was just left wondering _'What happened to this place?'_

The confusion must have shown because Az spoke up, "Oh, wondering about the greenhouse? Yes, I took it upon myself to give us some room. Remember the lessons?" A quirked eyebrow from Alec, and Az was quickly saying, "Alexander, you must know, I was completely serious about those. I wouldn't offer this to just _anybody._ " 

"Okay...well what are we supposed to do?"

At that, Az let out a small laugh. Alec narrowed his eyes because it almost sounded condescending. " _We?_ Alexander, _we_ aren't going to do anything, but _you_ are."

"Bu-what? What do you-how does that make sense!" Alec sputtered. Never mind that his hands had flailed out by now. His face even had a light dusting of blush across it. 

"Well, this power isn't mine, now is it?" Alec really couldn't argue with that despite how much he wanted to. Honestly, he'd said something around the same lines multiple times when it came to training and consequences. Enough so to know that calling Az out would be hypocritical to say the least. So, instead he shut his mouth with an audible click, and resumed a soldier's stance. 

"Alright, then what am _I_ doing then?" He stressed the 'I' part with enough venom that even a child wouldn't be able to miss it. Az certainly didn't if the unimpressed look he got was any indication. 

"This garden that you find yourself in, it's a safe place. One that is so far removed from the places that you would consider protected, that you can virtually do anything in here. That being said, there are limits even this room can't bear, got that? So, while you can let go in here, just make sure not to explode. There might be some consequences for that in those protected spaces of yours." 

Alec nodded along as Az set the rules of this place. _So, as long as I remain at some level of control, I can really let loose in here?_ The overwhelming relief that he felt was almost too much. 

He waited for more, but when nothing was added, Alec sat himself in the middle of the room. Alec looked to Az, but found the man just looking at him expectantly. _Fine, guess that's all I'm getting. So, I have to...feel it? Maybe meditating would be best._ Meditating was one of the few things that actually calmed him down. On days of poor control, or when his parents would show up just to berate him, Alec would seclude himself inside his own room for hours just to feel some semblance of control. Sometimes it worked so well that Alec left his room feeling almost light. Of course, there wasn't any actual letting go, but the sentiment was nice enough to calm him. 

So, he positioned his body accordingly, and took a deep breath. Like a slow exhale, he let himself wander within himself. When Alec finally came upon what he was looking for, he almost pulled away. _I mean, that's it. That's what makes me this way. But is it though?_ The deep breathing turned shallow for a moment before Alec reminded himself to stay calm. _Good job Alec, you finally get a safe space, and the most you do with it is bicker with yourself,_ Alec thought dryly. 

Instead of retreating, Alec focused. He took one last breath before plunging forward into his...soul? Essence? Being? Whatever it was called, he made his way through it till coming across a lump. Really, it was more like a knot. Or a jar. He really didn't care enough to label the thing. Much too gently, he approached it. He prodded the thing when he felt it loosen. 

And that felt _amazing._

It was like slipping into someone's arms, or finally setting his head down on a pillow for the night. Or, it was the feeling of finally achieving something, and realizing that he was done. All he knew was that he finally _let go._

Alec didn't even open his eyes. Rather than be faced with what he did, consequences or no, he took to reaching further into the knot. He made sure to keep it measured at least, but with each nudge, he felt himself drift more and more into a meditative state. 

Az couldn't help but admire the boy even more. Although the power was rudimentary, novice levels at best, he could see the control that was being exerted. It was made better when Az could see how affected Alec was becoming. The harsh lines of tension that always seemed to bind him were losing their rigid structure, and his measured breathing was losing its regularity. Of course, he knew that this, feeling it, would help immensely, but to see it? It was beautiful. The greenhouse itself was vastly transformed too. The vivid coloring of each plant was sharpened while the plants themselves seemed to glisten with a glittery sheen. Frost had invaded the windows, spider web patterns building within its cracks and scratches. The soft dirt underneath his feet turned hard after only a few seconds, and he wouldn't be surprised if the layer was filled with permafrost. Of course, silence had filled the space naturally, and what was Az if not natural? 

Just as he was about finished with his gazing though, something caught his eye.

_Huh, that's different._

What he hadn't been expecting was how the shadows almost came alive the further that Alec traversed through the power. They curled their way towards him, licking at his heels almost like they were eager to please. _Seems like you've been holding out on me, Alexander,_ Az thought smugly. He hadn't meant for _that_ to get passed along, but honestly, the boy was going to need it. Especially if _she_ was summoned. He took one last look of complete peace on Alec's face, and decided to not comment. 

When Alec finally found his way back to the surface, it was almost like looking into a completely different world. He turned to face Az with wide eyes, and said, "I-I did this?" Despite what had happened at the warehouse, Alec had been too out of it to actually look around to see what he had done. His siblings had reluctantly filled him in on some of the finer points, but really his imagination could only do so much. So, being faced with it? Being forced to see what he could do? 

It was frightening. 

In fact, the closest reference he had was his first demon kill. But even then, he hadn't seen everything. At most, he had watched the demon dissolve into nothing, but was then too exhausted to actually look around. _Damn, that first demon...I was lucky. Thinking back, I'm surprised I even had the ability to pick up her body. Much less carry it back into the greenhouse._ The thoughts left with a shutter. 

"Who else could've done this, Alexander?" Az asked softly. 

Glassy-eyed, Alec whispered, "Hopefully not me." And Az felt a twinge of sadness at that admission. 

"Alexander, this isn't something that you should be afraid of. What you can do...it's amazing. Or at least, it can be. You just need to learn restraint, and listen to your instincts instead of repressing them. Believe it or not, they know a thing or two that your mind can't tell you." The last part was said with a smile, and the answering one was every bit as victorious. 

Alec took the long beat of silence that followed as a break. He looked down to his hands that were laying on top of his knees, palms up. The thick calluses from archery stood out as pale spots while the thin, silvery scars were barely noticeable. Wonder wouldn't be the first thing to describe them for a lot of people. Worn maybe, used if they were truly being honest. But to Alec, wonder fit perfectly. "So, where do we go from here." he said with his head still bowed. 

"That, Alexander, depends entirely with you. All I can do is provide you the tools, but it must be you who wields them." At that, Alec spins his head towards Az sharply.

He narrows his eyes in suspicion, and says, "What do you mean by that?"

"Think about it, why don't you?" Despite the void overtaking his mind, Alec could still hear the smirk on Az's face. 

_This man has got theatrics, I'll give him that._

Alec awoke to his siblings once again. They still looked worried, but otherwise didn't bother him. A glance at his door said that he had indeed put runes on his door again, but one internal check later also said that he hadn't put a strong enough block on the parabatai bond. Not that he needed that. Jace's haunted look spoke for itself. 

Wordlessly, he stood up, and shuffled to his desk. When he was done, he showed his siblings reluctantly. They didn't say anything for a long moment that seemed to stretch on and on until neither one of them could stand it. 

"Anything new this time around?" Iz asked quietly. 

"I at least pinned him this time." was all that Alec could say. He still hadn't mentioned Az to either one of them. It was just...something at the back of his mind, something saying _don't._

"That's progress though! Maybe you're doing something right?" Jace said. Ever the optimist. 

"Maybe."

After that, the conversation sputtered out. Isabelle was the first to leave, but Jace was more hesitant. Alec had a feeling what this was about, but was still hoping to avoid it. 

"So...I felt that last one."

Alec gave a huff, but it had more to do with his own anxiety than anything. "Which part?" 

"All of it."

"Jace, I'm so sorry that you had to feel that. I swear I had put a strong enough wall against our bond last night-"

"No, Alec I'm okay!" And just for added effect, he began to pat down his body with a grin. "-see totally fine! It's just that I wanted to talk to you. I know you've been dealing with these things for a while now, but now that I've _felt_ it, at least partially, I can't help but wonder how you kept it together. I mean, I only felt the pain, but to feel yourself die....or to see someone else die. I can't imagine." When Jace didn't continue, Alec gestured with a hand to continue. He wasn't trying to be dismissive, but sometimes his brother got lost in thought. That and the occasional nudge was what usually helped with his tougher thoughts. "Well, I just wanted to say, if you ever need to talk about it, my door's always open. Seriously, I'm here brother." Jace finished with him clasping his shoulder tightly before making his exit.

And Alec didn't know how to feel about that. 

Should he be thankful? Happy? Sad? One part was sighing in relief while the other was screaming for Jace to back away, to back away before he killed him. Was it selfish to want that, to have someone to tell about the horrific images? 

Alec just couldn't tell. 

"Thanks Jace, that means a lot." Alec said, a small smile gracing his lips as he whispered into thin air. 

He turned back to the drawings for what felt like the tenth time. If experiencing them didn't help, and drawing them out didn't help, then how was he going to figure this one out? Usually it only took him two or three events to prevent them, but this one was shaping up to be huge. Although, he really wasn't focusing on how big this problem was. Not really. What he was really focusing on was something else entirely. 

_How am I going to prevent this if I can't understand it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you all enjoyed! The action is starting to pick up, so be prepared~


End file.
